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God created our bodies to enjoy sex – what's not to enjoy?

Archive for the tag “spouses”

Top Ten Things to Do to Survive a Dry Spell in Marriage from the Wife’s Perspective – Guest Post

My friend V. L. Holt (her bio is at the bottom), who also wrote this guest post, “Sex as Rocket Science“, recently went through a short dry spell in her intimate life with her husband.  I asked her if she had any advice for women going through dry spells because of their husbands periods of lack of desire.  She consented to let me share her wisdom:

“Top Ten Things to Do to Survive a Dry Spell in Marriage from the Wife’s Perspective”

Before you freak out, have a little faith. There really are wives out there who enjoy fulfilling sexual relationships with their husbands. And when we hit a dry spell in our intimate life, we feel the pinch.

10) Find a new hobby. Very little can compete with the massive endorphin flood you get from an orgasm, so choose carefully. Bungie jumping off a bridge or sky diving are great options.

9) Visit amusement parks. Again, we’re trying to duplicate the hormone rush of good sex, so the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland isn’t going to cut it. We’re talking the Kingda Ka of Six Flags or Top Thrill Dragster of Cedar Point. With speeds upward of 120 mph, a girl can get mighty happy mighty quick. It’ll do.

8) Night out with the girls. Since hubby isn’t putting out, then it must be time to go out. Nothing gets so gut-bustingly funny as a bunch of real Mormon housewives drunk on being kidless for an evening. Plus being around extra estrogen can help tone down your sex drive so you’re not so peckish.

7) Speaking of hungry, the right food is the right stuff. Since you’re missing sex, you’re going to want to find something that will be a decent replacement without creating an even more keen desire. Avoid aphrodisiac foods like oysters, certain mushrooms or Indian food. (Think Kama Sutra.) Instead go for the things that you usually avoid because of the risk of bad breath. Garlic-stuffed cheese bites, sardines in mustard sauce, spicy BBQ pork rinds. Gnosh away!

6) Cuddle time with the kids. Studies have shown that women are capable of surviving with less sex than men comfortably because of the hormones that are involved in cuddling kids. Oxytocin and relaxin are just a couple that get released when you’re hugging or smooching on your toddler. Or adrenaline, if your toddler doesn’t want to cuddle and you end up chasing him all over the house brandishing a stuffed duck and a picture book.

5) Take flying lessons. All by yourself. If you get my drift.

4) Sex isn’t just about orgasm. Some other benefits are bonding (see #6) and unifying a couple. So if the reason you’re not making whoopee isn’t health-related, try an activity with your husband that unites you. Ganging up against your rebellious teenager whose grades mysteriously dropped two levels in one quarter can really unite you. Support your husband as he takes away the car, the phone, the internet, the bedroom door and one of the three meals. Your united front will bring you even closer.

3) There are some things you should probably avoid, you know, if you don’t want to be reminded of your low period. Things like sexy movies, sexy books, or cucumbers.

2) Surf blogs about married sex. Sometimes it’s nice to know that you’re not the only woman out there who is pining for the sweaty desperate yoga move called the beast with two backs.

1) Find a new hubby. Oh, oops! Typo! That’s not what I meant! I already put find a new *hobby* up at the top! What I meant to say, was try a little thrill-seeking stunt, like donning a raincoat and nothing else, and streaking through the park. Or if you don’t mind swallowing your pride, you could try begging for sex, but I don’t recommend it. If hubby really doesn’t feel like it, then you’re both going to feel lousy after he refuses.

I hope you enjoyed these nifty suggestions for surviving your sexual dry spell in marriage. If you end up trying anything illegal, you didn’t get the suggestion from me. And if you end up trying anything death defying and getting injured…well then hubby gets to take care of you. Maybe you’ll get lucky and he’ll give you a sponge bath.

 V. L. Holt

V. L. Holt is a SAHM of six kids ranging from missionary age to nursing age. After the third one came along, she asked a good friend how did anyone manage to make any more? Her friend suggested pushing a dresser in front of the bedroom door.

Holt also spends time writing. Her most recent accomplishment was 97: Rise of the Battle Bred, a young adult paranormal with ironically, no sex in it.

If you get a chance, check out her book.  It’s a great read, and proof that good stories don’t have to have graphic sex in them to make them sexy.

Thanks V for the great advice!

 

 

Thinking like a lover

valentine

Given that it’s Valentines Day today – the holiday for lovers – I think it is appropriate to write a post about being lovers.  This special holiday is a good time for us all to take a look at our husband/wife relationships and ask ourselves – are we our spouses lover?  I like this simple definition of what a lover is: “a person who is in love with another; a person who has a sexual or romantic relationship with another”.

Being a lover seems to come naturally in the beginning of a relationship and in the early years of marriage.  But somewhere along the line – especially after children come along and careers are being built – many spouses stop being lovers, they get lazy, and maybe a bit too complacent and comfortable with their relationship.

A friend posted this on Facebook.  “The woman who puts her children before her husband will soon have neither…  ”  This friend is married to a woman who I know for a fact lives her life for her children, they come first and I think this post was a direct message to her from her husband.  He is not blameless and has done many things to push her away and hurt their marriage and he has also put many things first before her.  The way they act and treat each other is definitely not my definition of being lovers.   Rather their relationship resembles a parental partnership and nothing more.  I am not sure the marriage will survive when the children are raised and gone because once they no longer have to parent together – there will be nothing left in their relationship to keep them together!

I wrote this tongue in cheek post on the negative effect that children have on parents’ libidos.  The truth is that children don’t kill libidos – spouses kill their own libidos by not giving their role as lovers the priority it needs to have.  They often allow their other roles in life, including being a mother or father, to trump their roles of being a wife or husband and lover.  They get out of the habit of thinking like lovers. acting like lovers, and making their spouses feel important and cherished.  They don’t stop loving them, but sometimes you can’t tell that fact by watching their behavior.

I hear over and over, women discussing how hard it is to switch from Mommy mode after a long hard day and suddenly trying to be all hot and horny with their spouse.  Most of them will tell you this switch does not work well because at the end of the day they are too tired to think about being a lover –  let alone acting lovingly.  Many husbands virtually ignore their wives all day long, except when they want sex – and then are surprised she  is not a willing or enthusiastic participant.

Perhaps what needs to happen is a re-prioritization of the roles of being lovers.  Perhaps they need to work on getting back into the habit of being  lovers all day long, every single day like they did in the beginning of their relationship, instead of trying to switch to that role now and then, only when necessary or on special occasions.

Think back to how you were in the beginning of your relationship.  How did you feel about your spouse?  How often did you think about them?  How did you treat them when you were with them?  How did you talk or communicate with them?  How often did you talk and communicate with them?  How did you kiss and touch?  How often did you kiss and touch?  What would have happened to your relationship if you both treated each other the way you do now?  Seriously consider that last question for a moment – would you have married each other if you acted then towards each other like you act now?

Now ask yourself – How do you feel about your spouse this minute?  How often do you think about them during a typical day.  In what way do you think about them? How do you treat them when you are with them?  How do you communicate with them?  What do you wear when you are around them?  How often do you kiss and touch each other?  Do they feel like they are loved and are in a sexual and romantic relationship with you?  Are you their lover?

Let’s get even more specific with the questions.  What happens when you wake up first thing in the morning?  Do you jump right out of bed and rush to take care of the screaming baby or get yourself ready for work?  Or do you take a minute first to cuddle up to your spouse, kiss them on the neck and say “Good morning lover!” before reluctantly leaving them to start the day?  When you are apart do you miss them terribly and look forward to being with them again?  When you are driving, does your mind wander to your spouse and do you start thinking about how sexy they were the night before and how incredibly good it felt when you made love with each other?  Throughout the day,  do things remind you of your spouse, do you ever take a minute to think how that sweet little baby has your spouse’s adorable dimple in his chin, or how your spouse would love the flowers in your boss’s office.  Do thoughts of your spouse cause you to feel a little flutter of love in your tummy?  Do you regularly text or email your spouse and tell them just how sexy you think they are and that you are thinking about them and missing them?   Do you stop what you are doing and greet your spouse with a long lingering kiss and hug when you part or when you see each other again? Daily, do you think of special things you can do for them to let them know just how much you love and cherish them?  What kind of voice and tone do you use when you talk to them throughout the day?  Would someone listening to your conversation think you were their lover, or a business partner, or even worse, their parent?  Do you regularly flirt with your spouse?  Do you enjoy pleasing them and being pleased by them – even when you can’t have a full-blown sexual encounter?  Do you think like a lover, do you act like a lover…are you your spouse’s lover?

Think like a lover – act like one – be a lover – all day long, every day!  It really is that simple (at least in theory!!)

Starving Spouses

This post is in response to the comments on my last post – here!

We always thought my husband had a high sexual drive.  Surprisingly, after I had my sexual awakening, his drive dropped considerably.  Hearing that others had the same result happen to their spouse in similar circumstances,  I have concluded that he really did not have a high drive in the first place, he was just sexually starving which caused him to be hungry for sex all the time.  When he is well fed sexually and is satisfied, then he does not desire sex all the time, and instead of wanting sex daily or more, like he use too, he is actually quite content with 3 or 4 times a week.

It is human nature to crave what you can’t have, especially if what you want is sitting in front of your face all the time.  This fact explains why diets fail most of the time.  Once you try to cut out certain foods completely, especially your favorite foods – in my case its donuts and pastries – your craving for them intensifies .  That craving increases to an almost unbearable level, when you are around those foods.

In my weight control endeavors, I have found that instead of totally restricting certain foods, I get better results when I concentrate on choosing healthier foods and eating smaller meals more often so that I am not hungry.  This helps reduce the cravings for the foods that are not good for me.  But when I start noticing that a craving for a certain food begins to build,  if  I allow myself to think that I can have it if I really want it, and will have some later, just not right now, or if I allow myself to have just a little after I fill up on some healthier foods first, then the craving goes away, most of the time.   But If I don’t eat regularly and if I am really hungry, and the foods I crave the most are in front of me, it seems the craving for that food just builds and builds until I can no longer control myself and I end up on a total pig out binge which usually includes not only that particular food, but any other unhealthy one that is within my grasp.   Keeping myself well fed, and knowing that I can have a food anytime I want, helps me not crave those foods as much and I am usually perfectly happy to say, “I don’t have to have that donut right now, because I know I can have it later if I still want it.”

I believe that for many people who think they have a very high sexual drive,  a similar principle applies instead.  Their high drive is really just a manifestation of their intense craving for the sex and connection with their spouse that they can not have.  Because their spouse denies them sex most of the time they are sexually starving.  And because their spouse is there, right in front of them, tempting them – the craving is there all the time and seems unbearable.  If they were allowed to have sex with their spouse when ever they craved it, and if their spouse kept them regularly fed with a healthy dose of sexual and emotional connection, I think many of them would find they really have a more average sex drive instead of a high one because they would not be starving for it anymore!

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