Here is a good discussion on teaching children about sex:
There are several video segments and I encourage you to watch them all.
Here is a good discussion on teaching children about sex:
There are several video segments and I encourage you to watch them all.
To move on to your second question – “How do you handle yourself and deal with how you feel so that you can make better decisions for your life?” Again, I repeat my first bit of advice to you – it is imperative that you figure out that your sexuality really is a wonderful gift from God. Then you move on to figure out how God wants you to use this gift he has given you – what are the boundaries that He wants you to place around it to help you enjoy this gift to it’s fullest.
Masturbation is a tricky subject in the LDS church. I personally see it as a grey area – something that one should be careful with, but is not always wrong. Many LDS members see it as a black and white area – that it is always wrong. You have to figure out what YOUR own beliefs are concerning this subject.
I personally do not believe that what you did as a child was sinful. I believe it was simple curiosity and a natural occurrence for you as a part of your growing up process – the process of learning about and exploring your own body. I think it happens to many children. Those who are taught and accept it as the natural occurrence it is, those who are not made to feel bad or evil for doing it – seem to be more sexually well adjusted adults. Those who are made to feel guilty and dirty for doing it, often have problems with sex as adults. That says a lot to me. What does that tell you?
I also personally do not believe that your current masturbation to relieve your “stress” now and then is evil and sinful either. I believe it CAN be a problem IF it becomes an obsession and a habit that you can not control and channel and IF it keeps you from living a happy productive life and/or keeps you from doing other things you want to do. For someone who is not married, masturbation can possibly be a problem if it keeps their sexual feelings and desires fueled so much so that it is hard to control themselves when they are tempted to be with others sexually. You say “Sometimes I stress relieve and I don’t feel bad. I don’t feel the spirit any less around me.” So if these issues are not the case for you with masturbation, then I personally would say move on to working on something that IS causing a REAL problem in your life. However, this is MY opinion and is based on MY beliefs of what God’s boundaries are. You need to figure out for yourself what YOU believe is God’s boundaries for YOU.
The best place to seek guidance about the amazing gift of sexuality is from our Creator, Himself – the one who gave us this gift in the first place – through sincere prayer. We can and should also seek to learn from the wise counsel and experiences of others we trust and know have our best interest at heart, so that we can avoid some of life’s painful lessons ourselves. But even with those we trust – we need to be careful to weed out any faulty thinking patterns concerning sex that they may passing on to us!
My advice to you is to study and pray to figure out for yourself what God’s boundaries are concerning sex – or in other words what he has commanded us concerning sexual activity. Read what the prophets have taught – (be sure to keep what they say in context – asking yourself who they are speaking to and why). Read what the current prophet teaches. Can what they teach also be found in the scriptures? Read what the scriptures teach. Identify what God has specifically commanded in regard to sex and sexual activity and then focus on following those commandments. In my opinion, there are many additional limitations on sexual behavior that have been/are taught in the church which suggest stricter and more narrow boundaries for our sexual behavior than the commandments. Some of these teachings have even been addressed with church policy in the past – in what I believe is a lofty effort to help us better live God’s commandments from God. The bottom line for me though – is that we are accountable to God on how we follow and live His commandments – so it His commandments that we should most carefully follow. If other, stricter teachings and limitations are a help in one’s lives – great, use them. But if not – then go back to concentrating on the actual commandments instead.
During your research – Ask yourself questions like – What is the boundary that is being suggested? Does that boundary make sense to me? Does it serve a real purpose to help me in some way? Does the boundary contribute to keeping the actual commandments from God concerning sex? Will I be happier if I implement that boundary? What does my heart tell me is right and wrong (be careful to weed out the false messages you have accumulated before answering this particular question). Then take your conclusions to God and ask Him if your conclusions are right and in line with His will for your life. If you get a feeling they are not – start the process over again.
Once you have a strong conviction on what you truly believe is right and wrong and you believe God has confirmed your beliefs, then live your life with moral integrity by choosing to stay within those boundaries. Not out of fear or guilt – but instead choose to implement those boundaries in your life because YOU know in YOUR heart it is the right thing for you to do or not do and is what will help you to be a happier and more productive person, while still embracing the gift God has given you. If/when you slip up – repent – and move forward. Don’t beat yourself up – it serves no purpose. We Mormons have perfected the practice of holding on to guilt and beating ourselves up over and over. This practice needs to be eradicated in my opinion.
I believe it is also important for you to read about God’s gift of sex and seek knowledge about your body. There are many good books and other media available to you. The above book mentioned – “Women’s Anatomy of Arousal” by Sheri Winston – is a good one to learn about the amazing creation of God that your body truly is – but be careful with some “anything goes” thinking that sometimes crops up in it. Take a look at my resource section. I especially recommend that you get Dr. Laura Brotherson’s book – “And they were not ashamed” if you don’t already have it. Dr.Jennifer Finlayson-Fife has written some excellent articles and podcasts addressing Mormon issues with sex . There are also many excellent Christian books about sex on the market. I believe that the more you understand your body and how everything works – the more you know about your sexuality – the easier it is to figure out how to control and channel your sexual feelings and desires – and to keep them within the appropriate bounds.
Along with studying and learning about your sexuality and your body – continue to also work on your spiritual side. Study and learn about God – and Jesus Christ. At this time, I think it is extremely important for you to work hard on seeing yourself as They see you – love yourself as They love you. Forgive yourself because They forgive you. Make changes in your life when necessary. Accept the beautiful daughter of God that you are! Remember, God wants you to be happy and to have joy! Stop beating yourself up and try to embrace the happiness you are meant to have.
Life is a process of learning. Learning is a life long process full of making mistakes. Mistakes can be good experiences, if we learn from them and make appropriate changes so we don’t make the same mistakes again. Understanding ourselves, understanding and learning about our sexuality is all a part of the life long process. WE can choose to make it a joyful process. I know – simple in theory, hard in application – but, I promise you – it is doable. Just keep trying! I am here if you ever want or need to talk more.
Apparently these tips written by a man who just got divorced have gone viral:
and this women who is on her third marriage gives 10 tips from the female perspective:
And these are my tips that I wrote in response to a young women on a forum awhile back. Later, I re-wrote it for another thread to make it gender neutral as I believe it applies to both spouses:
Its very important for you to remember your brain is your biggest sex organ – for both men and women. It is important to remember that in addition to your roles as parents, you also have the roles of wife, husband, friend and lover – and the husband/wife relationship needs to be nurtured just as much as your children need to be nurtured. If you were to neglect your children it would be disastrous. It is the same with the husband/wife relationship. To neglect it is disastrous and it will not thrive. One of the best ways to nurture the relationship is through having a healthy and frequent sex life with each other. The husband/wife relationship is the only sanctioned place by God for sexual activity to occur. For most men this is how they feel loved and adored. Having a woman that desires them and who wants to please him and allows him to desire her and please her is most men’s biggest desire in a marriage. They don’t just want sex, they also want an emotional connection with their wives and they want to be loved and supported and respected. Most women want to be loved, cherished, and adored. They want to be treated with respect and sensitivity. They want their husbands to talk to them and listen to them They want them to be a good fathers and a righteous leader in their homes.
Making a success of your marriage really is all about attitude. If you want it to be successful and put the work in it will be!
Here are my suggestions of things a woman and man can do for themselves and their marriage to keep the sexual embers burning!
1. Exercise regularly – that will help with your energy level and also your body image. It also often helps ramp up sexual feelings.
2. Eat healthy and regularly – also helps with energy level and body image.
3. Set aside some regular alone time with your spouse every day. During that time, only focus on each other. No TV, or computers, etc. Talk, listen, cuddle, make out – all the things you did while you were courting and before the children came. This seems to go out the window when children come – and it is something that is missed!
4. Have a regular date night once a week. I hear over and over couples say they can not afford a babysitter to do this. I say – you can not afford not to do this. If money is a problem set up babysitting exchanges with other couples. It is so important to keep your relationship alive – to be alone with each other and to have fun together without the kids. You don’t have to spend money on these dates – be creative and just have fun.
5. Be careful of letting resentment build up for things your spouse does or does not do. Discuss things that are bothering you. Watch out for getting into the faulty thinking pattern that your spouse has to do everything the way you think they should or it is wrong. Let them do things their way – and I promise you – your house and children will be just fine. And show appreciation for everything they do and never criticize it in the same sentence. If you need to teach them something so they are more helpful to you – do it at a time when they have not just attempted doing it or just did not do it.
6. Schedule sex time at least 3 times a week. If you have to change the schedule, make it up. Make this the priority it should be. You can still be spontaneous other times and you can surprise each other during these times. Someone suggested 1 time a week, but I don’t think that is enough for the young high drive guys and is really setting the bar too low. Use these scheduled times to take it slow and just touch and hug and reconnect each other – don’t rush right into the sex. Include Lots and lots of foreplay. This is participating sex for both parties! Women, do not EVER get into the habit of saying ” just do and get it over with”. And men – don’t accept pity sex!!! Allow yourself to relax and feel the sensations along with giving each other some sensations. Enjoy pleasing each other. You don’t have to have an orgasm every time, but learn to enjoy the process. Learn about sex, read about it – its an important part of a marriage – a very important part. Women – Don’t make this a chore that it is something you have to do. And men – be careful to not look at your wife as a sex object who it there to fulfill your needs! This is all about attitude, attitude, attitude!
7. Unlike men, most women are not turned on or in the mood when they start having sex, but they do get turned on in the process of having sex if they will let themselves. So women, even if you aren’t feeling it at the moment, try to keep yourself open to sex and allow your brain to get turned on so your body can follow. This really is a conscious effort on your part – if you want to be turned on you have to let yourself get turned on in your head before the body will respond.
8. Women’s bodies change from childbirth and will change during other times of their life too, as will men’s bodies. What worked before for you sexually or what works now, may not necessarily always work for you. So you and your spouse have to be flexible and there will be times that you have to re-discover your changed bodies and look for new things that work.
9. Women, court your husband, flirt with him, stop and think about sex throughout the day. Get your husband to court you again, have him flirt with you. And no he is not a mind reader and should not be expected to know what to do without you telling him!! Men – help her to stay madly in love with you by the way you treat her. Help her to feel she is the most important person in the world to you!
10. Think back to the erotic and romantic times you had before you were married and when you were first married. Use your sex organ – the brain- often!!
11. Women – Do things that make you feel sexy – light candles – take a hot relaxing bath and have your husband join you and wash your hair, wear sexy clothes, etc. Men – romance your women. Keep yourself sexy looking, take care of your hygiene, brush your teeth, etc.!!!!
12. Remember having a healthy happy sex life with your spouse is all about your ATTITUDE towards each other. If you want to have a healthy, happy frequent sex life with each other, and are willing to put in the effort – then you WILL have exactly that!
What tips would you add?
Several years ago, sitting in a doctor’s office for an appointment, I read an article in a magazine, “Redbook”, if I remember correctly. The article was on how sex can fix many issues in a marriage. While I do not believe it is a “fix all” solution, I do have to agree with the article’s main idea that having frequent sex together does have value for keeping a good marriage strong and healthy and can help ease some of the relationship bummers that naturally occur in every marriage.
Often In my marriage, sex definitely has a positive, almost magic effect in fixing some of our “issues”. For example – one particular week was extremely busy for my husband. He was gone a lot and stressed to the max with all of his responsibilities that were coming to head all at once. At the same time I was facing a major medical issue that required us to do research and make some important decisions. We did not have a lot of time together during this period and when we were together, we had to use the time to discuss the concerns and decisions we were facing. Sex got pushed to the side line because of lack of time and availability.
By the following weekend, we were exhausted, cranky, distant, and quick to criticize each other. Sunday morning, the digs at each other were flying everywhere. Neither of us was really mad at the other, but we were both frustrated about other things in our lives. That frustration was getting thrown around in very negative ways, and although it was not directly targeted at each other, we were managing to splatter everything with it. After a cryptic remark from hubby, I retorted, “You are way to cranky! You know what you need? … You just need a good lay.” A smile slowly spread on his face. Things got playful from there and we both relaxed enough to let it flow! And from there the tension that had been building melted away! It really was that simple.
After a very satisfying afternoon our moods were so different. We felt so connected and bonded, we were refreshed; we were giddy and laughing at the dumbest things. We had more energy and we just felt so much better all around. That couple of hours reconnected us in a way that nothing else could and helped us to feel ready to face the even more grueling week ahead.
I do have to point out that in this situation, if I was really mad at my husband and all the negativity was because of relationship issues – sex probably would not have happened until we had worked things out between us. But once we had worked things out, sex would have served as the balm to heal the relationship again. In the above situation, there was nothing to work out between the two of us, we just needed time to step away from our stressors and reconnect on a very intimate level. Sex provided just what we needed.
Sometimes our relationships get damaged from everyday living if we are not careful. Since opening myself back up to being sexual in my marriage I have found that many times – sex magically relieves some of the everyday stresses we face and helps us to come together as one. It also helps us to refocus on what is really important which is our marriage and our relationship with each other. It took me a long, long time to get to this point of understanding the importance and effects of a healthy, frequent sex life in my marriage. Sex CAN do a lot to fix many marital issues!
And on top of that it just feels really, really good!
In the early part of my marriage, I listened to a talk given by our Stake President’s wife at a women’s conference. Her talk was about marital relationships and she touched briefly upon physical intimacy. While I remember very little about most of her talk, this brief part stuck in my mind. I still remember it vividly. Basically, she said that most young couples embarking on marriage do not need to seek outside education concerning sex. It was not necessary to read “how to” books or talk to others to figure out how it works. Instead most couples living the gospel would develop close physical intimacy over time by coming together in their innocence, learning and opening up emotionally with each other through their own exploration and communication with each other, discovering sex together by experiencing it, and praying for God’s help when necessary. I remember being a little uncomfortable with her message that learning about sex, including reading “how to” books was not only unnecessary but also was not really a good ideal. I think in her generation there were many who believed the same misguided philosophy – including my parents.
Before my wedding, I received very little sexual instruction from my parents, possibly because I was already pregnant (oops) and they figured I knew enough already. They had opted me out of school sex education, so the only formal education I had on the subject was presented in a very clinical and limited form in biology class by a cranky old spinster high school teacher. I also managed to pick up a few bits and pieces of titillating facts from my friends, TV, and movies (we did not have personal computers in those days). My husband was raised with a similar lack of sex education. Our attraction and hormones helped us figure out how to accomplish “the deed” and we thought we knew all we needed to know about sex at the time. Actually, we were quite ignorant about it.
When troubles began to surface after we were married, we never considered seeking help or reading books to learn more, and there was no-one that we felt we could talk too. We just ignored the issues. Later on we bought some “safe” marital relationship books that proved to be not very helpful with the sexual relationship part. While I had discovered how to have orgasms from clitoral stimulation during masturbation in my youth, I did not learn what the clitoris was or it’s name until several years after I got married. Hubby figured out that I felt pleasure when he touched me in certain places, but for the most part he thought women felt pleasure and climaxed through intercourse the same as men. I thought I should respond that way too – but I didn’t. I was extremely naïve and had little knowledge about my own sexuality and the role it could and should play in my marriage, and was even more clueless about my husband’s sexuality and his needs. My lack of knowledge left me ripe for the negative attitudes I picked up and bought into which caused a lot of problems within my marriage. But that was not the full extent of the damage!
Lack of sex education not only affected me and my husband, our lack of knowledge and negative conditioning was also passed down to our children. We taught them what we believed and what we knew about sex mostly through our own discomfort and embarrassed attitudes. While we made a shallow attempt to teach them more about sex than our parents did – providing them with some books to read, along with having a few uncomfortable talks – all of it followed the context of don’t, don’t, don’t!! In some ways the current generation of LDS youth and young adults are way more educated about sexual mechanics and behavior than my generation, however for the most part I think as a society, we are still doing a very poor job of giving them a proper education on this subject and they are just as naïve about the complexities of sexuality and have as many hang ups as past generations.
I have come to the conclusion over the years that the advice given by the Stake President’s wife was extremely bad advice, and that kind of attitude is actually destructive to marriages. From my experience and from all the readings that I have done after opening back up sexually, I now believe sex education for young teens and adults is extremely important in helping them to grow and develop into healthy and mature sexual adults. We create an environment of sex being looked upon as “illicit”, “dirty”, and “evil” when we avoid or refuse to discuss it with our youth. Many believe the more you talk about sex with young people, the more they will be tempted to have sex. I have heard many young adults say they were advised not to talk about sex or read about it after they got engaged because it would make them too horny and tempt them to break the law of chastity. I don’t believe proper sex education causes people to be tempted – in fact I think it’s just the opposite. The more we teach about sex and sexuality, especially in the context of true Christian doctrine: how our bodies function and mature, that God created sex for the purposes of procreation AND marital pleasure and bonding, that sex is not illicit, dirty, or evil, but rather is a divine and wonderful gift within the proper limits of marital relationships, that our bodies (both men and women’s) were created by God to desire and feel sexual pleasure, that frequent sex has an extremely important and healthy place in marriage, that there is an important emotional aspect of intimacy and sex, etc. etc. – the more likely youth are to be less curious about it and will understand the reasons for not having sex before marriage and will more likely want to choose that path.
The people that I have come across, both men and women, who have the healthiest sexual attitudes and marriage are ones whose parents were very open in teaching them about their bodies and sex at a very early age. Their parents talked openly and honestly about sex and sexuality. They answered any and all questions their children asked, always providing a clear perspective, including the importance of sex within committed relationships. These parents were not ashamed about the topic of sex, or about their bodies, and were not ashamed to admit they liked sex and had it frequently, while also establishing the proper privacy boundaries concerning it. These parents did not shame their children for their budding curiosity nor did they shame them for their sexual feelings. Guilt was not their form of teaching, rather they taught them with positive messages – about the normalcy of sexual development and the importance of emotional maturity, along with the importance and advantages of making wise choices and understanding responsibility concerning their developing sexuality. These children, now confident adults, are teaching their children in the same manner.
In order for us to teach our children in a healthy way, we as parents have to be educated and have healthy attitudes about sex and sexuality. This is just one more reason for all LDS women and men to learn to embrace their own sexuality and to explore it and learn about it as much as possible (within God’s boundaries) – so that they can help educate and pass down a healthy understanding and appreciation of sex to their children. Just think of the difference we can make, not only in our own marriages, but especially in the future marriages of our children and in the generations to come. It is often said that education can cure many of society’s ills. Perhaps unhealthy marital sexual attitudes is one ill we can do away with through more education – starting with educating ourselves.
Guest post by V. L. Holt.
V is a SAHM of six and also a rocket scientist… if you count great married sex as rocket science. She has been writing for decades, and been published in numerous literary journals. She has also written for Segullah, a literary journal for LDS women. She loves writing, reading, married sex, and smooching on her youngest child who is already a year old. Her next big project is an exciting paranormal romance trilogy called “Rise of the Battle Bred”.
I’d like to thank LDS Gals for giving me this opportunity to write about one of my favorite topics of all time! I really do love sex, but it’s not exactly a walk in the park. More like a complicated launch sequence.
Please don’t get me wrong. It’s worth every lever, every button and every buzz and whistle. But I’d like to explain why your wife may seem like she’s not into it, when it’s just that she is competing in a mental obstacle course in order to get to take-off.
I am probably not quite typical with regard to my desire for frequent sexual connection with my husband, but regardless of your wife’s desire for frequency or infrequency, I can almost guarantee that she is going through a similar mental exercise.
Many people have written that sex for a woman begins as soon as her orgasm wanes. I believe this is true.
Women are amazing; I think we can all agree. Whether they stay at home with children or work full-time outside the home or something in between, they are the consummate multi-taskers.
In addition to their ability to take care of multiple things at once, they are also quite good at forgetting or putting off their own needs and wants until a later time.
Women can be goal-oriented and ambitious, and derive great satisfaction in a job well done. To them, it is worth it to procrastinate a bathroom break, lunch break or even just sitting down for a minute, in order to complete the tasks ahead of them.
A focused woman has the Right Stuff to accomplish her daily goals, even if it’s simply keeping the children alive until daddy comes home.
Where does the Rocket Science come in?
Well, the same place sex originates…the brain. I’ll walk you through my own personal algorithm to give you an idea of the sequence of events that need to take place in order to shoot into orbit!
A woman’s readiness for sex is a multi-faceted mechanism. Let’s say for simplicity’s sake that I have managed to achieve all the outward challenges in getting ready for sex. I thought about it throughout the day, sent a sexy text to Dear Husband, spent a few minutes changing the bed sheets and tidying up the laundry in my room.
I showered, shaved, flossed, even remembered to condition my hair that morning and put on deodorant. What else could I possibly do to be more ready for sex, you husbands might ask?
Even if DH put the kids to bed, started the dishwasher, turned off all the lights downstairs, let the dog back in and charged the cell phones, I have just barely begun my launch sequence. And keep in mind…I trained my whole life to be an astronaut and fly exclusively with my husband…I love what I do! I’m great at it! Waiting to pass all the exams and psychology tests was worth it! Even with my enthusiasm as a Go, several things must still be accomplished.
First, I have a mental checklist that must be satisfactorily resolved.
Kids in bed?
Sex toys available?
Deodorant and Fresh breath?
Then I start looking at DH and smiling. We cuddle, we talk, we get close physically and mentally by our conversation. In the back of my mind, I recall with relief that there are clean towels in the bathroom for cleaning up afterward. Shush, brain!
The conversation might not be sex-related, by the way. In fact, at least fifty percent of the time I need that talk-time, call it the pre-flight check if you want, in order to get closer to sex-readiness.
Then the foreplay is mutual, but my work is not over. I must continue to keep my mind on task. This is not because I’m not interested or not enjoying myself. It’s more that my entire day involves multitasking and now I DON’T HAVE TO. This is a huge transition to make.
The work becomes paying attention to my own self, my own body, my own signals, my own sensations…as a mother, I routinely ignore all of those things during the day. I have been known to put off a bathroom break for an hour because I’ve been busy tending children’s needs.
During sex I’m mentally hushing thoughts like, did I get the kids’ lunch money ready? Did I pay the mortgage on time? Does DH really think I’m hot?
I’m trying to turn off extraneous thoughts, or other thoughts that might sabotage my mood, and also encourage the thoughts that keep my head in the game…dh has a sexy body, I love what he’s doing with his right hand, and then I’ll realize I need to say those things out loud and tell him so.
Once I’ve committed to take-off, and successfully navigated through all of the mental exercises, then it’s easier to stay involved in the whole operation. From here on out, I can now let the co-pilot take the controls and help me lift off and take me to the moon.
Hopefully this analogy helps you understand why sex can be Rocket Science for your wife.
There are so many good blogs out on the subject of Christian marital sex, I feel like in many ways, I am just repeating and/or saying the same thing just using different words. I love hearing men’s perspective on this topic. Here is another blog from a man’s point of view and I especially love this post:
“3 Things He Can’t Live Without” by Matthew L Jacobson
Do you agree with Matthew’s thoughts on what men need and women have to have?
This post is in response to the comments on my last post – here!
We always thought my husband had a high sexual drive. Surprisingly, after I had my sexual awakening, his drive dropped considerably. Hearing that others had the same result happen to their spouse in similar circumstances, I have concluded that he really did not have a high drive in the first place, he was just sexually starving which caused him to be hungry for sex all the time. When he is well fed sexually and is satisfied, then he does not desire sex all the time, and instead of wanting sex daily or more, like he use too, he is actually quite content with 3 or 4 times a week.
It is human nature to crave what you can’t have, especially if what you want is sitting in front of your face all the time. This fact explains why diets fail most of the time. Once you try to cut out certain foods completely, especially your favorite foods – in my case its donuts and pastries – your craving for them intensifies . That craving increases to an almost unbearable level, when you are around those foods.
In my weight control endeavors, I have found that instead of totally restricting certain foods, I get better results when I concentrate on choosing healthier foods and eating smaller meals more often so that I am not hungry. This helps reduce the cravings for the foods that are not good for me. But when I start noticing that a craving for a certain food begins to build, if I allow myself to think that I can have it if I really want it, and will have some later, just not right now, or if I allow myself to have just a little after I fill up on some healthier foods first, then the craving goes away, most of the time. But If I don’t eat regularly and if I am really hungry, and the foods I crave the most are in front of me, it seems the craving for that food just builds and builds until I can no longer control myself and I end up on a total pig out binge which usually includes not only that particular food, but any other unhealthy one that is within my grasp. Keeping myself well fed, and knowing that I can have a food anytime I want, helps me not crave those foods as much and I am usually perfectly happy to say, “I don’t have to have that donut right now, because I know I can have it later if I still want it.”
I believe that for many people who think they have a very high sexual drive, a similar principle applies instead. Their high drive is really just a manifestation of their intense craving for the sex and connection with their spouse that they can not have. Because their spouse denies them sex most of the time they are sexually starving. And because their spouse is there, right in front of them, tempting them – the craving is there all the time and seems unbearable. If they were allowed to have sex with their spouse when ever they craved it, and if their spouse kept them regularly fed with a healthy dose of sexual and emotional connection, I think many of them would find they really have a more average sex drive instead of a high one because they would not be starving for it anymore!
One of the biggest mistakes women make in their marriages is thinking that desire for sex has to be there before they have sex. Most high drive/low drive conflicts occur because of this one mistaken notion! To desire something is to want it, to yearn for it, to wish for it strongly! The truth is that most men and women’s desire levels don’t have to be that different. Women can desire sex, want it, and yearn for it just as much as men. But in order for this to happen they need to understand that desire for sex occurs differently in women than it does in men.
Generally speaking – because of the testosterone that flows through their body – most men seem to be in a constant state of desire and can easily get aroused for sex without a lot of thought or effort. The desire for sex appears to be there most of the time – thus we say they have a high drive. Men have a natural desire for sex that comes from their hormones – or in other words their desire for sex is a physical desire. Women on the other hand – do not have the high amount of testosterone flowing through their body and for the most part are not in a state of desire and readiness for sex. And for many it seems their bodies hardly ever desire or want sex. Thus we say they have a low drive. However while women don’t have a natural immediate physical desire for sex per say, most women’s bodies like to be touched, held, and caressed. After they are touched, and held, and caressed, if they allow their brains to get into the game and allow their emotions to flow, sexual desire will begin to occur. Women’s sexual desire comes from an emotional desire.
Most men don’t choose to desire sex. The desire just seems to be there most of the time, often making women feel like it is there too much of the time. The choice men have to make is if they are going to act on their desire to have sex or not. Because the desire is usually very strong – to the point that they literally crave sex and feel they have to have it – the choice to have sex comes quite easily, no matter what else is going on around them. So for men desire does come first.
Women have occasional periods of time where they actually feel sexual desire first. This usually happens during certain times of their cycle when their hormones align just right! During these periods of time the desire is strong and like men, they crave sex and feel like they have to have it. The desire is just there – and their choice is either to act on it or not. But during the rest of the time, the desire to have sex is not there, not even a little bit, and women really could care less about sex. They don’t think about it much, they don’t really want it, they certainly don’t yearn for it or crave it, and their minds are occupied with almost everything else going on around them. But they do crave physical contact and are perfectly satisfied to just be touched and held in non-sexual ways. When confronted with having sex during the non-desire times, their initial reactions might follow these lines of thinking “Why – I don’t really want it! No thanks, not interested! What for? – I feel fine and am busy doing other stuff! You have got to be kidding – there is so much to do, why would we do that now? Good grief, didn’t we just do it? I am totally satisfied now and don’t need it!, etc.”
During the non-desire times, conflicts occur because both men and women are operating under the mistaken premise that desire for sex comes first. Men, because their desire is there all most all of the time do not understand why women don’t desire it in the same way. And they feel frustrated at the wife’s lack of desire. Women don’t understand how the men can always be ready to have sex, why they want it so much, and what the heck is so great about it that makes men have to have it so much! Yeah its good – but not that good and I am fine if we just hug and kiss!
These conflicts can be avoided. Women CAN have as much desire and possibly even more than men if they want to. They only have to learn how it really works for them. Desire for sex most often is not going to come first. It is not just there – it doesn’t flow naturally from their hormones like it does in men. Rather it flows from their brain, it flows from mentally choosing to open up to the possibility of feeling sexual desire. When they allow themselves to be touched and caressed, and then engage their brain and let the emotions flow, the sexual desire usually will come. But. they have to choose to have sex mentally, before their body will react and allow the desire to develop. The surprising effect is that the more often they make this choice, the more the desire flows, and the more the desire flows, the more often they want to make the choice.
Simply put – most men have desire and the choice to have sex follows. Most women have to choose to have sex FIRST and then desire FOLLOWS! And simply put – the more you do it the more you want it!
Sometimes Hubby and I just have to get away. We leave the stress behind, leave all the unfinished projects, leave the kids and grandkids, and just focus on each other while on a fun filled sexcation! No – its not all about sex, but sex IS a big part of these get aways and something we look forward to. We use the time to renew and refresh ourselves together. It is our time to only concentrate on each other and have fun together, which includes exciting sex.
As empty nesters, you would think we could do this any time we want at home. Alas that is not the case, at least for us. While our kids do not live with us – those that live near by spend a lot of time with us. And of course there is always tons to do around the house, and church work that is never ending, not to mention the obsessive compulsive need we Mormons have to plan church activities around the clock. And besides – there is just something a bit exciting about having sex in a hotel! Yup – I love sexcations! I think I need to start planning our next one! 😉
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