The Sex-Starved Marriage – It’s NOT just about sex!

‘The sex-starved marriage” TED talk by Michele Weiner Davis

Excellent reasons why one should not reject their spouse.

Just go with it!

Lately, there have been a few times when I really did not feel like or want to have sex when Hubby initiated.  In the olden days, my not wanting to have sex would have been a show stopper.  Fortunately, I have learned to try to keep an open mind, to just go with it, and to allow whatever happens to happen.  Occasionally – my body still does not respond and I don’t get into it physically, however, I enjoy the closeness, giving him pleasure, and laying with him entwined after – and these things make me feel satisfied and content with the encounter.  This is not pity sex, or “Fine – just get it over” sex.  Instead, I participate with enthusiasm and mental excitement even if I am not feeling physical excitement.  I enjoy the sex emotionally and while my body may not respond physically, I still participate because I enjoy my husband and I want him to enjoy me!

Most times,  as I relax and go with it, keeping an open mind in allowing my body to feel what it wants to feel, I get really turned on and we end up both having really good sex!  The last couple of times when I really really did not feel like having sex, but did anyways, my orgasms turned out to be quite intense – which totally surprised me because of feeling so physically non-sexual and non-interested before.

I talked about desire in women and the need to understand that it does not come first in this post.  But even knowing this fact – I am still pleasantly surprised at times how it works.

So, my advice to women continues to be: RELAX – JUST GO WITH IT – AND KEEP YOUR MIND OPEN TO THE POSSIBILITIES!  Even if you really really don’t feel like it!!!

Causes of lack of sexual desire in some women

Here is an excellent article written, “Sexuality and the Mormon Marriage” by Natasha Parker, aka “The Mormon Therapist“.

In this article she touches upon some causes of sexual apathy or lack of desire in some women.  There are other causes or reasons but I think these are probably the most common.

1.  Negative sexual conditioning resulting in the “Good Girl Syndrome”

2.  History of sexual abuse or trauma

3.  Hormonal changes – sometimes caused by child bearing, nursing, menstruation, or menopause

4.  Relationship issues between the husband and wife

5.  Self-image and cultural expectation issues

Four out of the above five issues contributed to my sexual apathy!  Lucky me – right?    Actually –  Unlucky husband!!!

My biggest issue was the “Good Girl Syndrome”  which kept me from addressing the other issues affecting my desire level.   This syndrome was entrenched in my psyche deeply.  Sexual desire was wrong,  and in my mind it was something that needed to be bridled and extinguished.  Passion and purity did not fit together. If I wanted to be chaste, I had to avoid thinking about sex and feeling sexual.   I could not be sexual and spiritual at the same time.  These faulty thinking patterns greatly inhibited my ability to relate sexually with my husband.  And it caused me to dismiss and even resent his sexual desires and needs.

Mormon cultural expectation and self- image was a huge part of the GGS.  I wanted to be seen as a good Mormon wife and mother.  I wanted to be spiritual.  Appearances to others was important to me.  As far as sex was concerned, I kind of figured most women were the same as me.  No-one talked about it much!  If the topic was broached, it was usually in a negative way.  I didn’t have role models. My mother never talked about sex – except in letting me know all the don’ts!   I didn’t know any Mormon women who were sexually healthy.  I am sure there were some – but like I said, no-one talked about sex!  It seemed like a taboo subject.  There were many times I wanted to talk to someone about it, but I never had the guts to bring it up, not even with my close friends.  The experience with my Bishop when I confessed I masturbated seared in my mind that Mormon women were not suppose to be sexual.

In addition I believe hormonal imbalance also contributed somewhat to my lack of sexual desire.  I had several children quickly, one after the other – so for the first 8 years of our marriage, I was either nursing or pregnant.  My hormones were a wreck – and I don’t think they ever recovered after.  I used birth control pills for awhile after the last child and what little sexual desire I had occasionally tanked even further to no desire at all – ever.  Going off the pill helped a bit, but not a whole lot, since the GGS was in full fledge by then.

Lastly – it is not the least bit surprising that Hubby and I had some major relationship issues.  All marriages have them.  Were our issues compounded by not having a good sexual relationship?  Knowing what I know now I would say definitely yes!  Back then, I didn’t think that way.  Yes, we fought – all couples fight!  My husband sulked – well, that was his problem.  There was very little physical affection between us – it led to sex so I avoided physical contact.  I wanted emotional intimacy – hubby wanted sexual intimacy.  I was angry and resentful,  sometimes spiteful.  I felt he did not help enough with the kids and house.  He felt I was too picky and controlling and had to have things done my way.  I was the strict parent, he was the lenient one.  I was overwhelmed with all the children and responsibilities.  He was overwhelmed for the same reasons plus his career.  Finances were always tight and we always seemed to be spinning our wheels and getting no-where.   What I realize now is that we had no mechanism to bring us together, to console each other, to find peace and solace with each other.  It was not until I opened myself up sexually with him during these latter years, that I found out how a good healthy sexual relationship can be this mechanism to bring couples together.  Hubby tried to get me to be more sexual with him.  He pursued, withdrew, avoided, sulked, tried to please, poured himself into his career and church callings, and eventually after many years just quit trying so hard.  Eventually, we navigated our way into a comfortable routine.  It was not particularly happy or satisfying for either of us, but it was comfortable.  Hubby still tried to initiate sex – but not as often – and he seemed to accept the occasional pity sex  as all he was ever going to get – and stopped pushing for more.

Dr. Natasha Parker ended her above article:  “Sex is good. It is of God. It is a wonderful, sacred, bonding, and procreative power; a gift that in essence allows a taste of divinity! Dorothy Allison says, “Women lose their lives not knowing they can do something different. . . . I claimed myself and remade my life. Only when I knew I belonged to myself completely did I become capable of giving myself to another, of finding joy in desire, pleasure in our love, power in this body no one else owns.”

I am so grateful that I have been able to discover that I CAN do something different.  I am enjoying the process of claiming myself and remaking my life!  I encourage others to do the same!  It’s a wonderful feeling to be able to give myself wholly to my husband and accept him giving himself to me!  Honestly there is nothing like it!

Try it and find out for yourself if you have not already done so.