LDS Gals learning to embrace sexuality

God created our bodies to enjoy sex – what's not to enjoy?

Archive for the tag “sex drive”

The Sex-Starved Marriage – It’s NOT just about sex!

‘The sex-starved marriage” TED talk by Michele Weiner Davis

Excellent reasons why one should not reject their spouse.

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The book – “Women’s Anatomy of Arousal” by Sheri Winston

I recently started reading the book “Women’s Anatomy of Arousal” by Sheri Winston.  While I have not finished it yet, I have read enough to conclude this is a must read for all women and men.  Here is part of the Amazon description of this book:

 “WINNER, 2010 BOOK OF THE YEAR AWARD! THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF SEX EDUCATORS, COUNSELORS & THERAPISTS (AASECT). Find out why Dr. Christiane Northrup has called Women’s Anatomy of Arousal “the most comprehensive, user-friendly, practical and uplifting book on women’s sexuality I’ve ever read. It’s the gold standard!” Women have a largely unknown network of structures responsible for arousal and orgasm that their owners and even most medical professionals don’t know about. We’re not just talking about Ye Olde G-Spot here. Women have an entire erectile network that, if properly stimulated, can elevate their erotic experience from “Oh!” to “Oh! Oh! Oh!” Join celebrated sexuality teacher Sheri Winston as she integrates ancient wisdom, lost knowledge and modern sexuality information in a sexy, fun, empowering guidebook that illuminates every woman’s secret paths to fabulous, orgasmically abundant sex. Whether you’re a woman or a man who loves women, this book is for you! There’s great information here, but that’s not why Winston wrote the book. She wrote it to transform people’s lives and support them to reclaim their erotic birthright. And what she shares works! When people apply the information and techniques she provides, the result is often a whole new level of sexual pleasure.” 

Sexual anatomy of women is seldom taught in our society, and when it is, it’s often taught incorrectly.  As I read through this book, I was surprised that I often felt like I was reading about parts of my body for the very first time, although I know I have read other books that contained some of the same info.  

Also while reading the book I was reminded that not only did God create the perfect body parts for the pro-creation process, but He also created the perfect body parts that all work together to allow women to feel amazing sexual pleasure, as much, if not more than men feel.  In reflecting on this process necessary for these body parts to work their magic, I could more clearly see how the sexual process, when allowed to all work together properly, has the potential to contribute to building a strong and binding connection between spouses, if they learn to use their sexuality and bodies together wisely and often. 

Here is a small sample of just how wondrous and amazing women’s sexual organs are and how they work.  Always remember the fact that this very intriguing and intricate system, including the pleasure aspect, was created by God.

   Women have erectile tissues just like men.  Men’s erectile tissues in the penis work as a single unit and the action of these valves are coordinated – which allows the penis to become erect, stay erect. and then release in the refractory period.  Women’s erectile valves don’t require coordinated effort and it’s not one functional unit.  Instead they have different compartments that can work together or independently.  Which is why women don’t have refractory periods and can have prolonged and multiple orgasms.  The book describes all the areas that erectile tissue is located, but let’s only touch on two of the areas for now.

  The Vestibular Bulbs are two big tear drop shaped wads of erectile tissue that are located beneath the labial lips, on both sides of the vaginal orifice and are connected to the shaft of the clitoris.  (The book describes them as surrounding the vagina entrance as “a pair of plump parentheses”)  When they become erect, they help intercourse to feel more pleasurable to women.  Sheri Winston suggests that if women are having vaginal penetrations without puffy (erect) bulbs – they are doing it before their body is ready and is why it may not feel that good.  Just like a man’s erection is needed for his enjoyment of intercourse – a woman’s erection of the bulbs is needed in order for the women to get the most enjoyment out of sexual penetration.   She writes “I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s so important it bears repeating.  Never let anything enter your pussy before you’re ready.  Don’t accept penetration of any sort unless it’s feeling fabulous.  It’s your job to take care of yourself by being very attuned to your own readiness and response.  Just because he’s hard and ready doesn’t mean it’s time to let him in.  Always pay attention to your own arousal and readiness and base what your do on that, not on your assessment of what he wants.”  During most of my marriage, intercourse always occurred  and often still occurs when I am not fully aroused.  This is not my husband’s fault, as I have most of the control of when he enters me.   I often encourage him to enter me when I am not aroused.  I did not understand what arousal did to my vaginal area, to these bulbs.  Is it any wonder that sexual intercourse has been the least enjoyable part of sex for me?  I now know better!

  The “G spot” is another area of erectile tissue found in the vaginal area that can also contribute to a women’s pleasurable feelings during intercourse.  It is often described on many sites as a “dime-sized spot” on the top side of the vagina wall.  Sheri says that description isn’t really correct, instead It’s a cylinder – a tube of erectile tissue that surrounds the urethral canal.  The “spot” that is always referred to as the “G spot” is  actually the underside of the cylinder that can be felt through the front part of the top wall of the vagina.  Because it is made up of erectile tissue and usually only feels good when engorged, if a women is not aroused, there is not much there for her to feel.  So again, we see the importance of arousal before intercourse. 

An interesting tidbit on the “G spot” is that not only can this area feel pleasurable when erect –  it also serves an important purpose during the sexual act.  It cushions the sensitive urethra from the mechanics of intercourse and when erect the spongy cylinder narrows the urethral opening, decreasing the chances of bacteria entering that causes painful UT infections to develop.  While there is no scientific proof, Sheri believes the fluid often expressed when squirting, may contain an antibacterial component too.

In a society where a great deal of our education about sex comes from books, movies, TV, porn, etc. which mostly focuses on the act of sexual intercourse as the main and most important event, it’s easy to see from the above how not knowing and understanding women’s anatomy and how to arouse them, especially before intercourse, can keep many women from realizing sexual enjoyment and reaching their true sexual potential.  This is even more true in the LDS culture where almost all sexual education seems to be shied away from.  In marriages where sexual encounters consist of very little foreplay (especially the right kind of foreplay), and usually consists of only intercourse, and some stimulation to the clitoris (if the women is lucky), is it a wonder that women are not all that interested in sex much of the time.  This is not the fault of most men, women also are as equally uneducated about their own bodies.  The sad reality is many women and men just don’t know better.   But with this book and all the good info and tips in it – we now have no excuse for not knowing better!  Now all we need to do is get this book into the hands of others.  This post serves as my effort to do just that!

If you have read this book already or if you get it to read, please come back and share what you learned from it and some of your thoughts. 

 

 

Top Ten Things to Do to Survive a Dry Spell in Marriage from the Wife’s Perspective – Guest Post

My friend V. L. Holt (her bio is at the bottom), who also wrote this guest post, “Sex as Rocket Science“, recently went through a short dry spell in her intimate life with her husband.  I asked her if she had any advice for women going through dry spells because of their husbands periods of lack of desire.  She consented to let me share her wisdom:

“Top Ten Things to Do to Survive a Dry Spell in Marriage from the Wife’s Perspective”

Before you freak out, have a little faith. There really are wives out there who enjoy fulfilling sexual relationships with their husbands. And when we hit a dry spell in our intimate life, we feel the pinch.

10) Find a new hobby. Very little can compete with the massive endorphin flood you get from an orgasm, so choose carefully. Bungie jumping off a bridge or sky diving are great options.

9) Visit amusement parks. Again, we’re trying to duplicate the hormone rush of good sex, so the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland isn’t going to cut it. We’re talking the Kingda Ka of Six Flags or Top Thrill Dragster of Cedar Point. With speeds upward of 120 mph, a girl can get mighty happy mighty quick. It’ll do.

8) Night out with the girls. Since hubby isn’t putting out, then it must be time to go out. Nothing gets so gut-bustingly funny as a bunch of real Mormon housewives drunk on being kidless for an evening. Plus being around extra estrogen can help tone down your sex drive so you’re not so peckish.

7) Speaking of hungry, the right food is the right stuff. Since you’re missing sex, you’re going to want to find something that will be a decent replacement without creating an even more keen desire. Avoid aphrodisiac foods like oysters, certain mushrooms or Indian food. (Think Kama Sutra.) Instead go for the things that you usually avoid because of the risk of bad breath. Garlic-stuffed cheese bites, sardines in mustard sauce, spicy BBQ pork rinds. Gnosh away!

6) Cuddle time with the kids. Studies have shown that women are capable of surviving with less sex than men comfortably because of the hormones that are involved in cuddling kids. Oxytocin and relaxin are just a couple that get released when you’re hugging or smooching on your toddler. Or adrenaline, if your toddler doesn’t want to cuddle and you end up chasing him all over the house brandishing a stuffed duck and a picture book.

5) Take flying lessons. All by yourself. If you get my drift.

4) Sex isn’t just about orgasm. Some other benefits are bonding (see #6) and unifying a couple. So if the reason you’re not making whoopee isn’t health-related, try an activity with your husband that unites you. Ganging up against your rebellious teenager whose grades mysteriously dropped two levels in one quarter can really unite you. Support your husband as he takes away the car, the phone, the internet, the bedroom door and one of the three meals. Your united front will bring you even closer.

3) There are some things you should probably avoid, you know, if you don’t want to be reminded of your low period. Things like sexy movies, sexy books, or cucumbers.

2) Surf blogs about married sex. Sometimes it’s nice to know that you’re not the only woman out there who is pining for the sweaty desperate yoga move called the beast with two backs.

1) Find a new hubby. Oh, oops! Typo! That’s not what I meant! I already put find a new *hobby* up at the top! What I meant to say, was try a little thrill-seeking stunt, like donning a raincoat and nothing else, and streaking through the park. Or if you don’t mind swallowing your pride, you could try begging for sex, but I don’t recommend it. If hubby really doesn’t feel like it, then you’re both going to feel lousy after he refuses.

I hope you enjoyed these nifty suggestions for surviving your sexual dry spell in marriage. If you end up trying anything illegal, you didn’t get the suggestion from me. And if you end up trying anything death defying and getting injured…well then hubby gets to take care of you. Maybe you’ll get lucky and he’ll give you a sponge bath.

 V. L. Holt

V. L. Holt is a SAHM of six kids ranging from missionary age to nursing age. After the third one came along, she asked a good friend how did anyone manage to make any more? Her friend suggested pushing a dresser in front of the bedroom door.

Holt also spends time writing. Her most recent accomplishment was 97: Rise of the Battle Bred, a young adult paranormal with ironically, no sex in it.

If you get a chance, check out her book.  It’s a great read, and proof that good stories don’t have to have graphic sex in them to make them sexy.

Thanks V for the great advice!

 

 

It’s just words – with a whole lot of emotion behind them

While reading through some forums where husbands and wives were talking about their low to no drive spouses – I started noticing the words used to describe their spouses and sex lives.  I decided to compile a list of some of the words that I have seen over and over on many of these forums.  Here is the list of words I pulled out after about an hour of going through a couple of forums again.  I changed some of them to their descriptive form for the purpose of this post.   I have to say, it was a depressing hour!  I felt so sad for these people and even sadder when I realized all of these words could have been used to describe me in my early marriage!

Silent – Passionless – Uncaring – Heartless – Cruel – Disrespectful – Irritating – Indifferent – Selfish – Frigid – Frustrating – Insensitive – Belittling – Rude – Rejecting – Cold – Controlling – Uncompromising – Resentful – Unresponsive – Revengeful – Asexual – Neglectful – Hurtful – Dysfunctional – Naïve – Prudish – Inhibited – Repressed – Withholding – Unwilling – Sheltered – Rigid – Anxious – Reluctant – Critical – Angry – Ambivalent – Disconnected – Dismissive – Uninvolved – Withdrawn – Unloving – Sad – Depressing – Unreasonable – Resistant – Blaming – Distracted – Unsatisfying – Offensive – Critical – Unappreciative – Confusing

These are just words, but there is a whole lot of emotions behind them – and it’s definitely not happy emotions!

 

 

Symptoms of Good Girl Syndrome

Quotes from Laura M. Brotherson’s book “And they were not ashamed”:

“The Good Girl Syndrome is a result of the negative conditioning that occurs from parents, church, and society as they teach – or fail to teach – the goodness of sexuality and its divine purposes…

The Good Girl Syndrome is caused by ignorance as well as distorted and incorrect beliefs, perceptions, attitudes and associations accumulated over time.”

“Symptoms of the “Good Girl Syndrome”:

  • Discomfort, embarrassment or inability to appropriately discuss sexual matters
  • Underlying belief that sex is bad, wrong, dirty or sinful
  • Lack of understanding of the divine purposes of sex – particularly that God intended it for pleasure, as well as procreation
  • Inability to relax and let go within the sexual experience
  • Lack of enjoyment of sexual relations – participation out of duty
  • Lack of sexual understanding and “know-how” – a simplistic perception that if I just do what’s right I will have marital bliss
  • Inappropriate inhibitions, guilt, shame or awkwardness associated with sexual relations within marriage
  • Discomfort or distaste with sexual parts of the body and body functioning”

    MH900433794

Not allowed to desire sex!

Women who have GGS generally are dealing with a mental aversion to sex, in addition to also dealing with the marital relationship issues (anger, resentment, poor communication, etc), in addition to having a low physical sex drive.   So it’s a triple whammy!  Even if the husband works on fixing his part of the relationship issues and works on meeting her needs more, the sexual issues still exist because she still has a mental aversion to sex – made worse by the low drive, but driven mostly by HER dysfunctional thinking patterns, which in reality has NOTHING to do with ANYTHING about her husband.   Not recognizing SHE has a problem, she deflects her issues, focusing instead on deficiencies she believes her husband has.  He gets the blame AND suffers the consequences!   Attempts to increase the quantity and quality of sex seldom work on these women because their mindset does not allow them to desire sex, no matter what their husbands do or don’t do.

To further understand this mental aversion it helps to understand the following realities about these women:

•  Sex is usually not pleasurable for them
•  They seldom allow themselves to get aroused.
•  When they occasionally do get aroused and have an orgasm, the mental negativity that goes on in their head far outweighs any pleasure they experience.
•  Sex does not feel like an emotionally bonding experience for them.
•  Sex has nothing to do with love in their mind.  It does not feel like an expression of love from their husband and they do not view it as a way to express love to their husband.
•  They view sex simply as a physical activity, a distasteful one at that, that they occasionally have to endure because their husband wants it.
•  Sex feels like another chore and is just one more thing they have to do for someone else.
•  Sex is not a need for them so they do not understand why it would be a need for men.

With thinking patterns like these, is it any wonder why these women don’t want to have sex?

Initiating sex techniques don’t work because these women DON”T WANT to have sexual relations, period.

Talking to these women about having more and better sex does not work, because they don’t think they have a problem.  Their husbands have the problem and need to learn more self control.

Coercing, begging, doing nice things for these women does not work.  Nothing seems to work!

Women with GGS are bothered and aggravated when their spouses are interested in having sex because they feel they are being pressured into something they don’t want to do, something they are uncomfortable doing, and something that just feels wrong to them.  So almost any kind of attempt to get them to be more sexual results only in rejection – over and over and over.  And the rejected partner feels frustrated and hurt – over and over and over.  This dysfunctional cycle is extremely harmful to the marriage.    And it will continue until one or preferably – both spouses decide to break the cycle and rebuild a functional relationship in it’s place!

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