LDS Gals learning to embrace sexuality

God created our bodies to enjoy sex – what's not to enjoy?

Archive for the tag “relationships”

Teaching children about Sex

Here is a good discussion on teaching children about sex:

http://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/collection/family-conversations-talking-about-healthy-sexuality

There are several video segments and I encourage you to watch them all.

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Are you killing your marriage?

An excellent, thought provoking article:
“5 ways you are unknowingly destroying your husband and killing your marriage” by Katelyn Carmen

KILLING your marriage – DESTROYING your husband”

Harsh words and a little dramatic – don’t you think? – Or are they!

I admit I was a bit surprised with #2. I thought she was going to go down the criticizing husbands road. I had not considered this aspect of how being negative about ourselves and other things around our husbands can be harmful to the relationship, but it is so true. Negativity (any kind of negativity) is energy draining to those who express it and those who listen to it! No-one (that I know) really enjoys being around a negative person. This one made me think – how much complaining do I really do around my husband. I need to start paying attention to this aspect of my behavior.

“Women” (and men because she says this article also applies to men), “we need to be careful about how we are caring for our husbands” (wives) “and marriages. Don’t let the small stuff ruin the things that will bring you the greatest happiness in life.”

Follow up on “An obervation” – Keep working at it!

Update on this post – “An observation”

I did not get a chance to do my experiment because the same day I wrote that post, Hubby decided we needed to talk!  Coincidentally, Hubby was feeling a little neglected also. (or perhaps he read the post lol)  When we talked – and I expressed that he had not been as touchy feely as he usually is, he was surprised.  In fact, he denied it!  Instead – he felt I was the one pulling away and being distant.

As I said before, I usually am not the touchy feely one in this relationship.  While I return the touches, hugs, and kisses, he is the one that most often starts them – mostly because its his love language and is natural for him.  Plus he does it often enough that I don’t have to that much.  However, as I said in my last post, I have had the higher sex drive and have been doing most of the sex initiation this past year and because I stopped initiating these last couple of months (I did not turn him away when he initiated), he felt I was the one who was pulling away.  Even though he had curtailed the non-sexual touching during the same time period, and even though I did not change anything else about my behavior –  I was the one creating the distance in his mind.  Regardless of who created it first, the fact was we were both feeling a rift.

The experiment I was thinking about was to be the one to start initiating non-sexual touching.  I was curious to see how he would respond since that was not our norm.  I wondered if he would then start-up his non-sexual affection again, and/or if it would increase his desire for sex a little more in some way.  I wondered if it would increase my desire levels a bit.  I didn’t get the chance though because after our talk, Hubby immediately started the kissing, hugging, and hand holding again and actually even ramped up the frequency a bit – which was already a lot.  And interestingly, he has also been initiating sex a lot more these past week.  I wonder if he is feeling a bit insecure in our relationship, a little unsure of me and my feelings – and is trying to draw me back in. (Which if that is what he is doing, I can understand, given our past history of my being a denier for so many years.)  I am still not initiating sex because my desire for sex is still low (although I go with the flow and the desire kicks in after some foreplay – usually) and perhaps this upfront lack of desire has him worried, although he has not brought it up.   Or perhaps, like my reason for not initiating non-physical touching often because he does it often enough, my initiating sex before was often enough that he did not have to.  And now he does.

Or perhaps I am over thinking this too much – and really all of this is a phase, or just related to age, or hormones, or life stresses or a combination of these life occurrences.  I guess I could just ask him – but he would probably say “What are you talking about? and then say I am too analytical about things.  (Which I am and why I have this blog 😉 )

Whatever the reasons – this experience has once again reinforced in my mind just how complicated navigating the husband/wife relationship, especially where sex is concerned.  And this experience has also reinforced to me that we can’t get complacent – we have to work at staying in love, keep communicating, keep trying to reach out to each other, and keep finding ways to stay connected and bonded.  It’s too easy for the relationship to slide and it does not take long for it to begin to erode, especially if we are not careful and mindful about nourishing and protecting it.

Rejection – a horrible feeling

I wrote about this experience on another site several months ago:

The other night as we lay in bed, I reached over and gently began to rub my husband’s pubic area.  I wasn’t looking for sex, but if it went there that was fine by me.  I just wanted a connection, to feel him, to be close to him.  I gingerly rubbed around his groin, playing with the hair – it wasn’t going anywhere for him – and that was fine (mostly).  It was comforting to just lay there and feel him. I needed to feel him.  Suddenly, he took my hand and lifted it away and placed it on the bed.  I knew he didn’t feel good, I knew he was stressed, I knew I shouldn’t take it personally -but somehow it felt personal!  It hurt, a stab of pain in my heart – and tears welled up in my eyes.  Was I not attractive to him any more, did my touch repulse him now?  I rolled over and thought of all the times, the zillion times, over and over, I did the same to him.  How many times he must have felt the same pain, asked himself the same questions.   Yes – rejection is a horrible feeling.  It cuts to the core of our being and makes us feel unloved, unwanted, and unattractive.  It hurts!  Sometimes it is not personal – but it always feels personal!

A couple of weeks ago, once again my husband was under a lot of pressure at work and had a lot of stress going on in his life from other sources too.  His libido took a huge nose dive, and every time I initiated sex he turned me down.  I tried to be understanding, but after one episode of being pushed away, feeling really hurt I blurted out “Rejection really sucks and it hurts too.  But I guess you know that since that’s all you got from me for so many years.”  He looked at me in surprise and said, “I am not rejecting you.” 

“Really?”  I replied!  “What the heck do you think you are doing when you pull away or turn away from me?  If you are NOT rejecting me, then why does it feel like you are?  I would think that you of all people would understand rejection and how it feels.”   He had no answers for me but over the next few days he changed his behavior!

I am guessing he understood the feeling of rejection – all too well, he just didn’t recognize it from the other view point!

 

 

I Love Sexcations!

Sometimes Hubby and I just have to get away.   We leave the stress behind, leave all the unfinished projects, leave the kids and grandkids, and just focus on each other while on a fun filled sexcation!  No – its not all about sex, but sex IS a big part of these get aways and something we look forward to.   We use the time to renew and refresh ourselves together.  It is our time to only concentrate on each other and have fun together, which includes exciting sex.

As empty nesters, you would think we could do this any time we want at home.  Alas that is not the case, at least for us.  While our kids do not live with us – those that live near by spend a lot of time with us.  And of course there is always tons to do around the house, and church work that is never ending, not to mention the obsessive compulsive need we Mormons have to plan church activities around the clock.  And besides – there is just something a bit exciting about having sex in a hotel!   Yup – I love sexcations!  I think I need to start planning our next one!  😉

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