LDS Gals learning to embrace sexuality

God created our bodies to enjoy sex – what's not to enjoy?

Archive for the tag “marriages”

Teaching children about Sex

Here is a good discussion on teaching children about sex:

http://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/collection/family-conversations-talking-about-healthy-sexuality

There are several video segments and I encourage you to watch them all.

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Are you killing your marriage?

An excellent, thought provoking article:
“5 ways you are unknowingly destroying your husband and killing your marriage” by Katelyn Carmen

KILLING your marriage – DESTROYING your husband”

Harsh words and a little dramatic – don’t you think? – Or are they!

I admit I was a bit surprised with #2. I thought she was going to go down the criticizing husbands road. I had not considered this aspect of how being negative about ourselves and other things around our husbands can be harmful to the relationship, but it is so true. Negativity (any kind of negativity) is energy draining to those who express it and those who listen to it! No-one (that I know) really enjoys being around a negative person. This one made me think – how much complaining do I really do around my husband. I need to start paying attention to this aspect of my behavior.

“Women” (and men because she says this article also applies to men), “we need to be careful about how we are caring for our husbands” (wives) “and marriages. Don’t let the small stuff ruin the things that will bring you the greatest happiness in life.”

Is your marriage joyful?

Here is a good article “Five Secrets that Make Marriage Joyful” by Gary and Joy Lundberg in the online LDS magazine, “Meridian”

Is your marriage joyful?  It can be!  I love that one of their tips is for both spouses to enjoy sexual intimacy – not just have sexual intimacy, but ENJOY it – both of them!

Gary and Joy Lundberg explains:

“Sexual intimacy is a vital part of the marriage relationship because it keeps you connected in a way that nothing else can. When enjoyed by both partners, it becomes a physical renewal of your love for each other—a re-commitment of your devotion and your determination to honor your marriage vows. It is a release of stress for both when both find pleasure in it. It bonds a couple, reviving your ability to face the world and all its pressures, together.”

Gary and Joy, married 58 years, really get it!!!

Thinking like a lover

valentine

Given that it’s Valentines Day today – the holiday for lovers – I think it is appropriate to write a post about being lovers.  This special holiday is a good time for us all to take a look at our husband/wife relationships and ask ourselves – are we our spouses lover?  I like this simple definition of what a lover is: “a person who is in love with another; a person who has a sexual or romantic relationship with another”.

Being a lover seems to come naturally in the beginning of a relationship and in the early years of marriage.  But somewhere along the line – especially after children come along and careers are being built – many spouses stop being lovers, they get lazy, and maybe a bit too complacent and comfortable with their relationship.

A friend posted this on Facebook.  “The woman who puts her children before her husband will soon have neither…  ”  This friend is married to a woman who I know for a fact lives her life for her children, they come first and I think this post was a direct message to her from her husband.  He is not blameless and has done many things to push her away and hurt their marriage and he has also put many things first before her.  The way they act and treat each other is definitely not my definition of being lovers.   Rather their relationship resembles a parental partnership and nothing more.  I am not sure the marriage will survive when the children are raised and gone because once they no longer have to parent together – there will be nothing left in their relationship to keep them together!

I wrote this tongue in cheek post on the negative effect that children have on parents’ libidos.  The truth is that children don’t kill libidos – spouses kill their own libidos by not giving their role as lovers the priority it needs to have.  They often allow their other roles in life, including being a mother or father, to trump their roles of being a wife or husband and lover.  They get out of the habit of thinking like lovers. acting like lovers, and making their spouses feel important and cherished.  They don’t stop loving them, but sometimes you can’t tell that fact by watching their behavior.

I hear over and over, women discussing how hard it is to switch from Mommy mode after a long hard day and suddenly trying to be all hot and horny with their spouse.  Most of them will tell you this switch does not work well because at the end of the day they are too tired to think about being a lover –  let alone acting lovingly.  Many husbands virtually ignore their wives all day long, except when they want sex – and then are surprised she  is not a willing or enthusiastic participant.

Perhaps what needs to happen is a re-prioritization of the roles of being lovers.  Perhaps they need to work on getting back into the habit of being  lovers all day long, every single day like they did in the beginning of their relationship, instead of trying to switch to that role now and then, only when necessary or on special occasions.

Think back to how you were in the beginning of your relationship.  How did you feel about your spouse?  How often did you think about them?  How did you treat them when you were with them?  How did you talk or communicate with them?  How often did you talk and communicate with them?  How did you kiss and touch?  How often did you kiss and touch?  What would have happened to your relationship if you both treated each other the way you do now?  Seriously consider that last question for a moment – would you have married each other if you acted then towards each other like you act now?

Now ask yourself – How do you feel about your spouse this minute?  How often do you think about them during a typical day.  In what way do you think about them? How do you treat them when you are with them?  How do you communicate with them?  What do you wear when you are around them?  How often do you kiss and touch each other?  Do they feel like they are loved and are in a sexual and romantic relationship with you?  Are you their lover?

Let’s get even more specific with the questions.  What happens when you wake up first thing in the morning?  Do you jump right out of bed and rush to take care of the screaming baby or get yourself ready for work?  Or do you take a minute first to cuddle up to your spouse, kiss them on the neck and say “Good morning lover!” before reluctantly leaving them to start the day?  When you are apart do you miss them terribly and look forward to being with them again?  When you are driving, does your mind wander to your spouse and do you start thinking about how sexy they were the night before and how incredibly good it felt when you made love with each other?  Throughout the day,  do things remind you of your spouse, do you ever take a minute to think how that sweet little baby has your spouse’s adorable dimple in his chin, or how your spouse would love the flowers in your boss’s office.  Do thoughts of your spouse cause you to feel a little flutter of love in your tummy?  Do you regularly text or email your spouse and tell them just how sexy you think they are and that you are thinking about them and missing them?   Do you stop what you are doing and greet your spouse with a long lingering kiss and hug when you part or when you see each other again? Daily, do you think of special things you can do for them to let them know just how much you love and cherish them?  What kind of voice and tone do you use when you talk to them throughout the day?  Would someone listening to your conversation think you were their lover, or a business partner, or even worse, their parent?  Do you regularly flirt with your spouse?  Do you enjoy pleasing them and being pleased by them – even when you can’t have a full-blown sexual encounter?  Do you think like a lover, do you act like a lover…are you your spouse’s lover?

Think like a lover – act like one – be a lover – all day long, every day!  It really is that simple (at least in theory!!)

No – you can’t eat tonight!

Imagine you sign a contract with a grocery store that you will only purchase food from their store and no where else.  You promise that you won’t go to restaurants or fast foods – you won’t go any where else to get the food that you eat.  It’s a wonderful arrangement, because you love their food and they have such a variety to choose from.  Your favorite is their bakery full of delectable delights; cinnamon rolls, brownies, pies, cheesecake, cookies, and of course the desert you crave the most – chocolate marble cake.  You look over all of their food, the meats, the dairy, the staples, etc., and you imagine how glorious it is going to taste.  All that your stomach desires you can get at this grocery store so you don’t mind the exclusive clause.  The contract is legally binding and there are severe financial penalties if you break the contract.  Why would you ever want to break the contract?  You can’t conceive that ever happening!

At first it is wonderful, it is convenient and you are enjoying this arrangement.  Life is good and you enjoy gourmet meals, simple meals, quick meals, and fancy meals.  However after a couple of years something starts to change.  The selection seems to be decreasing and the variety and quality of the food is not what it use to be.  Then after more time passes you go to the store, but you find the store is closed – and there is a sign telling you to come back another time.  So you do, and it’s closed again, and again, and again.  You are getting really hungry, and angry.  You consider going somewhere else –  but you stop as you think about the contract you signed, you made a commitment and you are bound by it.  You can not purchase food anywhere else, without paying a heavy heavy price.   “It’s not fair”  you think,  “they are suppose to have food for me to choose from.  They are suppose to be open so that I can buy my food here.  I am keeping my side of the contract, but they are not keeping theirs.” 

One morning,  your stomach grumbling wakes you and you realize you are starving.  It’s been a long time since you last ate, so you decide to try again and make a trip to the store.  It’s open but all the shelves are empty, all except in the bakery, where they have your favorite, chocolate marble cake sitting on a table. 

cake 2

Your mouth starts to water,  you lick your lips as you reach out to pick up the cake.  You are so hungry and so excited to take a bite.   Just as you touch the container, the grocery store owner slaps your hand away and snatches up the cake.   “No – I’m sorry you can’t have that today!”  she says.  “But we have an agreement, I can only buy food here and nowhere else.  I am keeping my end of the contract, but there has been less and less food over the years, and every time I drive here lately, you are closed.  I am starving, I have not eaten for weeks.  What am I suppose to do for food!”,  you wail. 

“Oh – Quit whining – you are too fat anyways – you need to lose weight.  Besides, you only think you are hungry – you don’t need to eat.  You just need to practice some self control!”   She takes the cake and walks away – before you can respond.  Standing there feeling frustrated, hungry, and really angry –  confounded, you scream loudly  “What’s in this contract for me?  This just isn’t right and not the way it’s suppose to be!”  She keeps walking away with the cake as if she did not even hear you!

Silly story?  Is it?  Isn’t this exactly what is happening in many marriages around the world?

Willard F. Harley, Jr. author of “His needs, her needs”  states:  “When a man and woman marry, they share high expectations. They commit themselves to meeting certain intense and intimate needs in each other on an exclusive basis. Each agrees to “forsake all others,” giving each other the exclusive right to meet these intimate needs. That does not imply that all needs are to be met by a spouse, but that there are a few basic needs that most of us strictly reserve for the marriage bond. Most people expect their spouses to meet these special needs, since they have agreed not to allow anyone else to meet them.

For example, when a man agrees to an exclusive relationship with his wife, he depends on her to meet his sexual need. If she fulfills this need, he finds in her a continuing source of intense pleasure, and his love grows stronger. However, if his need goes unmet, quite the opposite happens. He begins to associate her with frustration. If the frustration continues, he may decide she “just doesn’t like sex” and may try to make the best of it. But his strong need for sex remains unfulfilled. His commitment to an exclusive sexual relationship with his wife has left him with the choice of sexual frustration or infidelity. Some men never give in; they manage to make the best of it over the years. But many do succumb to the temptation of an affair. I have talked to hundreds of them in my counseling offices.”

Some men are starving – sexually – and yet their wives just don’t get it.  They expect them to develop self control, learn to live with it, and accept it, yet keep their end of the commitment and stay loyal and faithful!  I was one of these wives for many years.  I was a fool!

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