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Archive for the tag “his needs”

The Sex-Starved Marriage – It’s NOT just about sex!

‘The sex-starved marriage” TED talk by Michele Weiner Davis

Excellent reasons why one should not reject their spouse.


All he wants for Christmas is YOU!!

So… go ahead and wrap yourself up – and give him the present he really wants!!

Merry Christmas Everyone

Are you killing your marriage?

An excellent, thought provoking article:
“5 ways you are unknowingly destroying your husband and killing your marriage” by Katelyn Carmen

KILLING your marriage – DESTROYING your husband”

Harsh words and a little dramatic – don’t you think? – Or are they!

I admit I was a bit surprised with #2. I thought she was going to go down the criticizing husbands road. I had not considered this aspect of how being negative about ourselves and other things around our husbands can be harmful to the relationship, but it is so true. Negativity (any kind of negativity) is energy draining to those who express it and those who listen to it! No-one (that I know) really enjoys being around a negative person. This one made me think – how much complaining do I really do around my husband. I need to start paying attention to this aspect of my behavior.

“Women” (and men because she says this article also applies to men), “we need to be careful about how we are caring for our husbands” (wives) “and marriages. Don’t let the small stuff ruin the things that will bring you the greatest happiness in life.”

What do men really want their wives to do to show their love?

Contrast this list from LDS Living online magazine in an article “50 ways to show your husband you love him”:

  1.  TELL HIM you love him.
  2.  Make his favorite meal.
  3.  Leave a short & sweet note on the bathroom mirror for him.
  4.  Arrange for him to go golfing on a Saturday.
  5.  Say you’re sorry first.
  6. Iron his shirts for him.
  7. Notice something he has mentioned needing to replace or has been wanting and get it for him. (Even something small, like new razor blades.)
  8. Plan a date for the two of you and don’t tell him what any of the plans are.
  9. Ask him what’s one thing you could do that would help him feel more satisfied with life, then follow through.
  10. Make a card from scratch (no matter how limited your skills) to tell him how you feel about him.
  11.  Pray for him–in your own prayers and your family/couple prayers, so he can hear.
  12. Give him a foot rub.
  13. Make a list of things you love about him, write them on sticky notes, and hide them all over the house so he’ll continue finding them throughout the week.
  14.  Watch the ball game with him, and if you don’t understand what’s going on, ask questions–he’ll appreciate your efforts and interest.
  15. Ask his advice–then take it!
  16. Thank him for the things he does around the house regularly–whether it’s taking out the trash, sorting through the mail, managing bills, or anything else.
  17. Find and frame an old photo of your early dating or married days. Give it to him to keep on his desk at work. 
  18.  Take a night off to spend time with him, rather than listing all the things you need to do when he suggests relaxing with a movie.
  19. Love yourself, and don’t put yourself down. If you’re happy, he’ll be happy.
  20. Encourage him to spend a night out with his friends.
  21. Send him a text message during the day letting him know you’re thinking about him.
  22.  Run some errands for him that he hasn’t been able to get to–like taking the car to get the oil changed or picking up his dry cleaning.
  23.  Tell your children what you love about their dad.
  24.  Give him a long kiss once you’re both home at the end of the day.
  25.  Pick out a movie he would love (but that you would normally veto) and watch it together.
  26.  Keep his confidences–your girlfriends don’t need to know everything.
  27.  Start a hobby together.
  28.  On your next date, make an extra effort to look your best and get dressed up for him.
  29.  Don’t nag him.
  30.  Thank him often and verbally for being a good husband and father. Mention specific things you appreciate.
  31.  Buy his favorite book for him, or buy him a new one you think he’d love.
  32. Give him the TV remote.
  33.  Cuddle with him on the couch after the kids have gone to bed and ask him about his day.
  34.  Surprise him with a clean car and a full tank.
  35.  Make a to-do list with him of all the things you’d like to do with him in the next year.
  36. Look at him appreciatively throughout the day–and let him catch you doing it.
  37.  Take a picture of him on your phone when you catch him doing something great or sweet, and set it as your background.
  38.  Look after him when he’s sick.
  39.  Listen to him with undivided attention–no multi-tasking!
  40.  Tell him what you loved most about him when you first met.
  41.  Tell him what you love most about him today.
  42.  Buy him a gift card to his favorite lunch spot and put it in his wallet.
  43.  Surprise him with a romantic evening.
  44.  Think of his most annoying habit. Now, let it go.
  45.  Give him time to unwind after a long day’s work without immediately adding to his to-do list or complaining about your day.
  46.  Support him in his goals and help him to pursue them.
  47.  Write him love notes and hide them in his suitcase when he goes on business trips.
  48.  Hold his hand while you’re at the grocery store or in the car.
  49.  Rather than just asking him to take care of that household project, do it together.
  50.  Recreate your first date or other memorable moments during your courtship.
  51.  And, again, TELL HIM you love him.

with this list in an MSN article:  10 steps to being a better wife:

  1. Take care of yourself
  2. Say thank you often
  3. Keep the romance alive – (which includes initiate sexual play)
  4. Let him have guy time
  5. Make your husband a priority
  6. Don’t try to change him
  7. Don’t make him guess – tell him what you want
  8. Cultivate friends and interest outside your marriage
  9. Let free time be free
  10. Believe in your husband and let him know it

Are these lists that different?  (Other than Mormons tend to be a bit more prolific and think more is better sometimes – 50 vs 10 – whew, talk about being overwhelmed  (and we can’t count – there are actually 51)  lol).  I did notice that sex is not mentioned at all in the LDS article, while it is in the MSN article (in the explanation part under #3 Keep the romance alive, it says initiate sexual play).

Are LDS marriages so different from non-LDS marriages?  Are LDS men that different than non-LDS men?  I don’t think so.

I would like to hear from all men, LDS and non-LDS men – here’s your chance – tell us your list.  What are the top 10 things your wife can do to show you she loves you?  List them in the order of priority of importance to you!

3 things men need to thrive

There are so many good blogs out on the subject of Christian marital sex, I feel like in many ways, I am just repeating and/or saying the same thing just using different words.  I love hearing men’s perspective on this topic.  Here is another blog from a man’s point of view and I especially love this post:

“3 Things He Can’t Live Without”  by Matthew L Jacobson

Do you agree with Matthew’s thoughts on what men need and women have to have?

No – you can’t eat tonight!

Imagine you sign a contract with a grocery store that you will only purchase food from their store and no where else.  You promise that you won’t go to restaurants or fast foods – you won’t go any where else to get the food that you eat.  It’s a wonderful arrangement, because you love their food and they have such a variety to choose from.  Your favorite is their bakery full of delectable delights; cinnamon rolls, brownies, pies, cheesecake, cookies, and of course the desert you crave the most – chocolate marble cake.  You look over all of their food, the meats, the dairy, the staples, etc., and you imagine how glorious it is going to taste.  All that your stomach desires you can get at this grocery store so you don’t mind the exclusive clause.  The contract is legally binding and there are severe financial penalties if you break the contract.  Why would you ever want to break the contract?  You can’t conceive that ever happening!

At first it is wonderful, it is convenient and you are enjoying this arrangement.  Life is good and you enjoy gourmet meals, simple meals, quick meals, and fancy meals.  However after a couple of years something starts to change.  The selection seems to be decreasing and the variety and quality of the food is not what it use to be.  Then after more time passes you go to the store, but you find the store is closed – and there is a sign telling you to come back another time.  So you do, and it’s closed again, and again, and again.  You are getting really hungry, and angry.  You consider going somewhere else –  but you stop as you think about the contract you signed, you made a commitment and you are bound by it.  You can not purchase food anywhere else, without paying a heavy heavy price.   “It’s not fair”  you think,  “they are suppose to have food for me to choose from.  They are suppose to be open so that I can buy my food here.  I am keeping my side of the contract, but they are not keeping theirs.” 

One morning,  your stomach grumbling wakes you and you realize you are starving.  It’s been a long time since you last ate, so you decide to try again and make a trip to the store.  It’s open but all the shelves are empty, all except in the bakery, where they have your favorite, chocolate marble cake sitting on a table. 

cake 2

Your mouth starts to water,  you lick your lips as you reach out to pick up the cake.  You are so hungry and so excited to take a bite.   Just as you touch the container, the grocery store owner slaps your hand away and snatches up the cake.   “No – I’m sorry you can’t have that today!”  she says.  “But we have an agreement, I can only buy food here and nowhere else.  I am keeping my end of the contract, but there has been less and less food over the years, and every time I drive here lately, you are closed.  I am starving, I have not eaten for weeks.  What am I suppose to do for food!”,  you wail. 

“Oh – Quit whining – you are too fat anyways – you need to lose weight.  Besides, you only think you are hungry – you don’t need to eat.  You just need to practice some self control!”   She takes the cake and walks away – before you can respond.  Standing there feeling frustrated, hungry, and really angry –  confounded, you scream loudly  “What’s in this contract for me?  This just isn’t right and not the way it’s suppose to be!”  She keeps walking away with the cake as if she did not even hear you!

Silly story?  Is it?  Isn’t this exactly what is happening in many marriages around the world?

Willard F. Harley, Jr. author of “His needs, her needs”  states:  “When a man and woman marry, they share high expectations. They commit themselves to meeting certain intense and intimate needs in each other on an exclusive basis. Each agrees to “forsake all others,” giving each other the exclusive right to meet these intimate needs. That does not imply that all needs are to be met by a spouse, but that there are a few basic needs that most of us strictly reserve for the marriage bond. Most people expect their spouses to meet these special needs, since they have agreed not to allow anyone else to meet them.

For example, when a man agrees to an exclusive relationship with his wife, he depends on her to meet his sexual need. If she fulfills this need, he finds in her a continuing source of intense pleasure, and his love grows stronger. However, if his need goes unmet, quite the opposite happens. He begins to associate her with frustration. If the frustration continues, he may decide she “just doesn’t like sex” and may try to make the best of it. But his strong need for sex remains unfulfilled. His commitment to an exclusive sexual relationship with his wife has left him with the choice of sexual frustration or infidelity. Some men never give in; they manage to make the best of it over the years. But many do succumb to the temptation of an affair. I have talked to hundreds of them in my counseling offices.”

Some men are starving – sexually – and yet their wives just don’t get it.  They expect them to develop self control, learn to live with it, and accept it, yet keep their end of the commitment and stay loyal and faithful!  I was one of these wives for many years.  I was a fool!

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