LDS Gals learning to embrace sexuality

God created our bodies to enjoy sex – what's not to enjoy?

Archive for the tag “getting in the mood”

The Sex-Starved Marriage – It’s NOT just about sex!

‘The sex-starved marriage” TED talk by Michele Weiner Davis

Excellent reasons why one should not reject their spouse.

All he wants for Christmas is YOU!!

So… go ahead and wrap yourself up – and give him the present he really wants!!

Merry Christmas Everyone

The book – “Women’s Anatomy of Arousal” by Sheri Winston

I recently started reading the book “Women’s Anatomy of Arousal” by Sheri Winston.  While I have not finished it yet, I have read enough to conclude this is a must read for all women and men.  Here is part of the Amazon description of this book:

 “WINNER, 2010 BOOK OF THE YEAR AWARD! THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF SEX EDUCATORS, COUNSELORS & THERAPISTS (AASECT). Find out why Dr. Christiane Northrup has called Women’s Anatomy of Arousal “the most comprehensive, user-friendly, practical and uplifting book on women’s sexuality I’ve ever read. It’s the gold standard!” Women have a largely unknown network of structures responsible for arousal and orgasm that their owners and even most medical professionals don’t know about. We’re not just talking about Ye Olde G-Spot here. Women have an entire erectile network that, if properly stimulated, can elevate their erotic experience from “Oh!” to “Oh! Oh! Oh!” Join celebrated sexuality teacher Sheri Winston as she integrates ancient wisdom, lost knowledge and modern sexuality information in a sexy, fun, empowering guidebook that illuminates every woman’s secret paths to fabulous, orgasmically abundant sex. Whether you’re a woman or a man who loves women, this book is for you! There’s great information here, but that’s not why Winston wrote the book. She wrote it to transform people’s lives and support them to reclaim their erotic birthright. And what she shares works! When people apply the information and techniques she provides, the result is often a whole new level of sexual pleasure.” 

Sexual anatomy of women is seldom taught in our society, and when it is, it’s often taught incorrectly.  As I read through this book, I was surprised that I often felt like I was reading about parts of my body for the very first time, although I know I have read other books that contained some of the same info.  

Also while reading the book I was reminded that not only did God create the perfect body parts for the pro-creation process, but He also created the perfect body parts that all work together to allow women to feel amazing sexual pleasure, as much, if not more than men feel.  In reflecting on this process necessary for these body parts to work their magic, I could more clearly see how the sexual process, when allowed to all work together properly, has the potential to contribute to building a strong and binding connection between spouses, if they learn to use their sexuality and bodies together wisely and often. 

Here is a small sample of just how wondrous and amazing women’s sexual organs are and how they work.  Always remember the fact that this very intriguing and intricate system, including the pleasure aspect, was created by God.

   Women have erectile tissues just like men.  Men’s erectile tissues in the penis work as a single unit and the action of these valves are coordinated – which allows the penis to become erect, stay erect. and then release in the refractory period.  Women’s erectile valves don’t require coordinated effort and it’s not one functional unit.  Instead they have different compartments that can work together or independently.  Which is why women don’t have refractory periods and can have prolonged and multiple orgasms.  The book describes all the areas that erectile tissue is located, but let’s only touch on two of the areas for now.

  The Vestibular Bulbs are two big tear drop shaped wads of erectile tissue that are located beneath the labial lips, on both sides of the vaginal orifice and are connected to the shaft of the clitoris.  (The book describes them as surrounding the vagina entrance as “a pair of plump parentheses”)  When they become erect, they help intercourse to feel more pleasurable to women.  Sheri Winston suggests that if women are having vaginal penetrations without puffy (erect) bulbs – they are doing it before their body is ready and is why it may not feel that good.  Just like a man’s erection is needed for his enjoyment of intercourse – a woman’s erection of the bulbs is needed in order for the women to get the most enjoyment out of sexual penetration.   She writes “I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s so important it bears repeating.  Never let anything enter your pussy before you’re ready.  Don’t accept penetration of any sort unless it’s feeling fabulous.  It’s your job to take care of yourself by being very attuned to your own readiness and response.  Just because he’s hard and ready doesn’t mean it’s time to let him in.  Always pay attention to your own arousal and readiness and base what your do on that, not on your assessment of what he wants.”  During most of my marriage, intercourse always occurred  and often still occurs when I am not fully aroused.  This is not my husband’s fault, as I have most of the control of when he enters me.   I often encourage him to enter me when I am not aroused.  I did not understand what arousal did to my vaginal area, to these bulbs.  Is it any wonder that sexual intercourse has been the least enjoyable part of sex for me?  I now know better!

  The “G spot” is another area of erectile tissue found in the vaginal area that can also contribute to a women’s pleasurable feelings during intercourse.  It is often described on many sites as a “dime-sized spot” on the top side of the vagina wall.  Sheri says that description isn’t really correct, instead It’s a cylinder – a tube of erectile tissue that surrounds the urethral canal.  The “spot” that is always referred to as the “G spot” is  actually the underside of the cylinder that can be felt through the front part of the top wall of the vagina.  Because it is made up of erectile tissue and usually only feels good when engorged, if a women is not aroused, there is not much there for her to feel.  So again, we see the importance of arousal before intercourse. 

An interesting tidbit on the “G spot” is that not only can this area feel pleasurable when erect –  it also serves an important purpose during the sexual act.  It cushions the sensitive urethra from the mechanics of intercourse and when erect the spongy cylinder narrows the urethral opening, decreasing the chances of bacteria entering that causes painful UT infections to develop.  While there is no scientific proof, Sheri believes the fluid often expressed when squirting, may contain an antibacterial component too.

In a society where a great deal of our education about sex comes from books, movies, TV, porn, etc. which mostly focuses on the act of sexual intercourse as the main and most important event, it’s easy to see from the above how not knowing and understanding women’s anatomy and how to arouse them, especially before intercourse, can keep many women from realizing sexual enjoyment and reaching their true sexual potential.  This is even more true in the LDS culture where almost all sexual education seems to be shied away from.  In marriages where sexual encounters consist of very little foreplay (especially the right kind of foreplay), and usually consists of only intercourse, and some stimulation to the clitoris (if the women is lucky), is it a wonder that women are not all that interested in sex much of the time.  This is not the fault of most men, women also are as equally uneducated about their own bodies.  The sad reality is many women and men just don’t know better.   But with this book and all the good info and tips in it – we now have no excuse for not knowing better!  Now all we need to do is get this book into the hands of others.  This post serves as my effort to do just that!

If you have read this book already or if you get it to read, please come back and share what you learned from it and some of your thoughts. 

 

 

Thinking like a lover

valentine

Given that it’s Valentines Day today – the holiday for lovers – I think it is appropriate to write a post about being lovers.  This special holiday is a good time for us all to take a look at our husband/wife relationships and ask ourselves – are we our spouses lover?  I like this simple definition of what a lover is: “a person who is in love with another; a person who has a sexual or romantic relationship with another”.

Being a lover seems to come naturally in the beginning of a relationship and in the early years of marriage.  But somewhere along the line – especially after children come along and careers are being built – many spouses stop being lovers, they get lazy, and maybe a bit too complacent and comfortable with their relationship.

A friend posted this on Facebook.  “The woman who puts her children before her husband will soon have neither…  ”  This friend is married to a woman who I know for a fact lives her life for her children, they come first and I think this post was a direct message to her from her husband.  He is not blameless and has done many things to push her away and hurt their marriage and he has also put many things first before her.  The way they act and treat each other is definitely not my definition of being lovers.   Rather their relationship resembles a parental partnership and nothing more.  I am not sure the marriage will survive when the children are raised and gone because once they no longer have to parent together – there will be nothing left in their relationship to keep them together!

I wrote this tongue in cheek post on the negative effect that children have on parents’ libidos.  The truth is that children don’t kill libidos – spouses kill their own libidos by not giving their role as lovers the priority it needs to have.  They often allow their other roles in life, including being a mother or father, to trump their roles of being a wife or husband and lover.  They get out of the habit of thinking like lovers. acting like lovers, and making their spouses feel important and cherished.  They don’t stop loving them, but sometimes you can’t tell that fact by watching their behavior.

I hear over and over, women discussing how hard it is to switch from Mommy mode after a long hard day and suddenly trying to be all hot and horny with their spouse.  Most of them will tell you this switch does not work well because at the end of the day they are too tired to think about being a lover –  let alone acting lovingly.  Many husbands virtually ignore their wives all day long, except when they want sex – and then are surprised she  is not a willing or enthusiastic participant.

Perhaps what needs to happen is a re-prioritization of the roles of being lovers.  Perhaps they need to work on getting back into the habit of being  lovers all day long, every single day like they did in the beginning of their relationship, instead of trying to switch to that role now and then, only when necessary or on special occasions.

Think back to how you were in the beginning of your relationship.  How did you feel about your spouse?  How often did you think about them?  How did you treat them when you were with them?  How did you talk or communicate with them?  How often did you talk and communicate with them?  How did you kiss and touch?  How often did you kiss and touch?  What would have happened to your relationship if you both treated each other the way you do now?  Seriously consider that last question for a moment – would you have married each other if you acted then towards each other like you act now?

Now ask yourself – How do you feel about your spouse this minute?  How often do you think about them during a typical day.  In what way do you think about them? How do you treat them when you are with them?  How do you communicate with them?  What do you wear when you are around them?  How often do you kiss and touch each other?  Do they feel like they are loved and are in a sexual and romantic relationship with you?  Are you their lover?

Let’s get even more specific with the questions.  What happens when you wake up first thing in the morning?  Do you jump right out of bed and rush to take care of the screaming baby or get yourself ready for work?  Or do you take a minute first to cuddle up to your spouse, kiss them on the neck and say “Good morning lover!” before reluctantly leaving them to start the day?  When you are apart do you miss them terribly and look forward to being with them again?  When you are driving, does your mind wander to your spouse and do you start thinking about how sexy they were the night before and how incredibly good it felt when you made love with each other?  Throughout the day,  do things remind you of your spouse, do you ever take a minute to think how that sweet little baby has your spouse’s adorable dimple in his chin, or how your spouse would love the flowers in your boss’s office.  Do thoughts of your spouse cause you to feel a little flutter of love in your tummy?  Do you regularly text or email your spouse and tell them just how sexy you think they are and that you are thinking about them and missing them?   Do you stop what you are doing and greet your spouse with a long lingering kiss and hug when you part or when you see each other again? Daily, do you think of special things you can do for them to let them know just how much you love and cherish them?  What kind of voice and tone do you use when you talk to them throughout the day?  Would someone listening to your conversation think you were their lover, or a business partner, or even worse, their parent?  Do you regularly flirt with your spouse?  Do you enjoy pleasing them and being pleased by them – even when you can’t have a full-blown sexual encounter?  Do you think like a lover, do you act like a lover…are you your spouse’s lover?

Think like a lover – act like one – be a lover – all day long, every day!  It really is that simple (at least in theory!!)

Sex as Rocket Science

Guest post by V. L. Holt. 

V is a SAHM of six and also a rocket scientist… if you count great married sex as rocket science.  She has been writing for decades, and been published in numerous literary journals.  She has also written for Segullah, a literary journal for LDS women.  She loves writing, reading, married sex, and smooching on her youngest child who is already a year old.  Her next big project is an exciting paranormal romance trilogy called “Rise of the Battle Bred”.

I’d like to thank LDS Gals for giving me this opportunity to write about one of my favorite topics of all time!  I really do love sex, but it’s not exactly a walk in the park.  More like a complicated launch sequence.

Please don’t get me wrong.  It’s worth every lever, every button and every buzz and whistle.  But I’d like to explain why your wife may seem like she’s not into it, when it’s just that she is competing in a mental obstacle course in order to get to take-off.

I am probably not quite typical with regard to my desire for frequent sexual connection with my husband, but regardless of your wife’s desire for frequency or infrequency, I can almost guarantee that she is going through a similar mental exercise.

Many people have written that sex for a woman begins as soon as her orgasm wanes.  I believe this is true.

Women are amazing; I think we can all agree.  Whether they stay at home with children or work full-time outside the home or something in between, they are the consummate multi-taskers.

In addition to their ability to take care of multiple things at once, they are also quite good at forgetting or putting off their own needs and wants until a later time.

Women can be goal-oriented and ambitious, and derive great satisfaction in a job well done.  To them, it is worth it to procrastinate a bathroom break, lunch break or even just sitting down for a minute, in order to complete the tasks ahead of them.

A focused woman has the Right Stuff to accomplish her daily goals, even if it’s simply keeping the children alive until daddy comes home.

Where does the Rocket Science come in?

Well, the same place sex originates…the brain.  I’ll walk you through my own personal algorithm to give you an idea of the sequence of events that need to take place in order to shoot into orbit!

A woman’s readiness for sex is a multi-faceted mechanism.  Let’s say for simplicity’s sake that I have managed to achieve all the outward challenges in getting ready for sex.  I thought about it throughout the day, sent a sexy text to Dear Husband, spent a few minutes changing the bed sheets and tidying up the laundry in my room.

I showered, shaved, flossed, even remembered to condition my hair that morning and put on deodorant.  What else could I possibly do to be more ready for sex, you husbands might ask?

Oh, plenty.

Even if DH put the kids to bed, started the dishwasher, turned off all the lights downstairs, let the dog back in and charged the cell phones, I have just barely begun my launch sequence.  And keep in mind…I trained my whole life to be an astronaut and fly exclusively with my husband…I love what I do!  I’m great at it!  Waiting to pass all the exams and psychology tests was worth it!  Even with my enthusiasm as a Go, several things must still be accomplished.

First, I have a mental checklist that must be satisfactorily resolved.

Kids in bed?
Doors locked?
Sex toys available?
Lube handy?
Deodorant and Fresh breath?

Then I start looking at DH and smiling. We cuddle, we talk, we get close physically and mentally by our conversation.  In the back of my mind, I recall with relief that there are clean towels in the bathroom for cleaning up afterward.  Shush, brain!

The conversation might not be sex-related, by the way.  In fact, at least fifty percent of the time I need that talk-time, call it the pre-flight check if you want, in order to get closer to sex-readiness.

Then the foreplay is mutual, but my work is not over.  I must continue to keep my mind on task. This is not because I’m not interested or not enjoying myself.  It’s more that my entire day involves multitasking and now I DON’T HAVE TO.  This is a huge transition to make.

The work becomes paying attention to my own self, my own body, my own signals, my own sensations…as a mother, I routinely ignore all of those things during the day.  I have been known to put off a bathroom break for an hour because I’ve been busy tending children’s needs.

During sex I’m mentally hushing thoughts like, did I get the kids’ lunch money ready? Did I pay the mortgage on time? Does DH really think I’m hot?

I’m trying to turn off extraneous thoughts, or other thoughts that might sabotage my mood, and also encourage the thoughts that keep my head in the game…dh has a sexy body, I love what he’s doing with his right hand, and then I’ll realize I need to say those things out loud and tell him so.

I’ve heard of women who are able to go from 0 to Blast-off in five minutes or less.  I am not one of those astronauts.  I need a good twenty minutes or more in order to leave the launch pad.        rocket_7

Once I’ve committed to take-off, and successfully navigated through all of the mental exercises, then it’s easier to stay involved in the whole operation.  From here on out, I can now let the co-pilot take the controls and help me lift off and take me to the moon.

Hopefully this analogy helps you understand why sex can be Rocket Science for your wife.

Clipart from Clipartheaven.com

Post Navigation

Awaken-Love

Claim God's Powerful Gift

Our Poly Life

Our life as a Polyamorous Quad, with 10 kids.

The Forgiven Wife

Learning to Dance with Desire

Frankly Speaking

We need to talk.

Little Corner of Paradise - Intimacy in an LDS Marriage

God created our bodies to enjoy sex - what's not to enjoy?

The Peaceful Wife

Living in Submission to Christ as Lord

Latter-Day Marriage

God created our bodies to enjoy sex - what's not to enjoy?

Naked at Our Age - Joan Price - Sex & Aging Views & News

God created our bodies to enjoy sex - what's not to enjoy?

Rock His World

A Place to Learn How To Make Marriages Rock!

The Mormon Therapist

God created our bodies to enjoy sex - what's not to enjoy?

Hot, Holy & Humorous

God created our bodies to enjoy sex - what's not to enjoy?