LDS Gals learning to embrace sexuality

God created our bodies to enjoy sex – what's not to enjoy?

Archive for the tag “choices”

The Sex-Starved Marriage – It’s NOT just about sex!

‘The sex-starved marriage” TED talk by Michele Weiner Davis

Excellent reasons why one should not reject their spouse.

Teaching children about Sex

Here is a good discussion on teaching children about sex:

http://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/collection/family-conversations-talking-about-healthy-sexuality

There are several video segments and I encourage you to watch them all.

All he wants for Christmas is YOU!!

So… go ahead and wrap yourself up – and give him the present he really wants!!

Merry Christmas Everyone

Is your marriage joyful?

Here is a good article “Five Secrets that Make Marriage Joyful” by Gary and Joy Lundberg in the online LDS magazine, “Meridian”

Is your marriage joyful?  It can be!  I love that one of their tips is for both spouses to enjoy sexual intimacy – not just have sexual intimacy, but ENJOY it – both of them!

Gary and Joy Lundberg explains:

“Sexual intimacy is a vital part of the marriage relationship because it keeps you connected in a way that nothing else can. When enjoyed by both partners, it becomes a physical renewal of your love for each other—a re-commitment of your devotion and your determination to honor your marriage vows. It is a release of stress for both when both find pleasure in it. It bonds a couple, reviving your ability to face the world and all its pressures, together.”

Gary and Joy, married 58 years, really get it!!!

Just go with it!

Lately, there have been a few times when I really did not feel like or want to have sex when Hubby initiated.  In the olden days, my not wanting to have sex would have been a show stopper.  Fortunately, I have learned to try to keep an open mind, to just go with it, and to allow whatever happens to happen.  Occasionally – my body still does not respond and I don’t get into it physically, however, I enjoy the closeness, giving him pleasure, and laying with him entwined after – and these things make me feel satisfied and content with the encounter.  This is not pity sex, or “Fine – just get it over” sex.  Instead, I participate with enthusiasm and mental excitement even if I am not feeling physical excitement.  I enjoy the sex emotionally and while my body may not respond physically, I still participate because I enjoy my husband and I want him to enjoy me!

Most times,  as I relax and go with it, keeping an open mind in allowing my body to feel what it wants to feel, I get really turned on and we end up both having really good sex!  The last couple of times when I really really did not feel like having sex, but did anyways, my orgasms turned out to be quite intense – which totally surprised me because of feeling so physically non-sexual and non-interested before.

I talked about desire in women and the need to understand that it does not come first in this post.  But even knowing this fact – I am still pleasantly surprised at times how it works.

So, my advice to women continues to be: RELAX – JUST GO WITH IT – AND KEEP YOUR MIND OPEN TO THE POSSIBILITIES!  Even if you really really don’t feel like it!!!

Thinking like a lover

valentine

Given that it’s Valentines Day today – the holiday for lovers – I think it is appropriate to write a post about being lovers.  This special holiday is a good time for us all to take a look at our husband/wife relationships and ask ourselves – are we our spouses lover?  I like this simple definition of what a lover is: “a person who is in love with another; a person who has a sexual or romantic relationship with another”.

Being a lover seems to come naturally in the beginning of a relationship and in the early years of marriage.  But somewhere along the line – especially after children come along and careers are being built – many spouses stop being lovers, they get lazy, and maybe a bit too complacent and comfortable with their relationship.

A friend posted this on Facebook.  “The woman who puts her children before her husband will soon have neither…  ”  This friend is married to a woman who I know for a fact lives her life for her children, they come first and I think this post was a direct message to her from her husband.  He is not blameless and has done many things to push her away and hurt their marriage and he has also put many things first before her.  The way they act and treat each other is definitely not my definition of being lovers.   Rather their relationship resembles a parental partnership and nothing more.  I am not sure the marriage will survive when the children are raised and gone because once they no longer have to parent together – there will be nothing left in their relationship to keep them together!

I wrote this tongue in cheek post on the negative effect that children have on parents’ libidos.  The truth is that children don’t kill libidos – spouses kill their own libidos by not giving their role as lovers the priority it needs to have.  They often allow their other roles in life, including being a mother or father, to trump their roles of being a wife or husband and lover.  They get out of the habit of thinking like lovers. acting like lovers, and making their spouses feel important and cherished.  They don’t stop loving them, but sometimes you can’t tell that fact by watching their behavior.

I hear over and over, women discussing how hard it is to switch from Mommy mode after a long hard day and suddenly trying to be all hot and horny with their spouse.  Most of them will tell you this switch does not work well because at the end of the day they are too tired to think about being a lover –  let alone acting lovingly.  Many husbands virtually ignore their wives all day long, except when they want sex – and then are surprised she  is not a willing or enthusiastic participant.

Perhaps what needs to happen is a re-prioritization of the roles of being lovers.  Perhaps they need to work on getting back into the habit of being  lovers all day long, every single day like they did in the beginning of their relationship, instead of trying to switch to that role now and then, only when necessary or on special occasions.

Think back to how you were in the beginning of your relationship.  How did you feel about your spouse?  How often did you think about them?  How did you treat them when you were with them?  How did you talk or communicate with them?  How often did you talk and communicate with them?  How did you kiss and touch?  How often did you kiss and touch?  What would have happened to your relationship if you both treated each other the way you do now?  Seriously consider that last question for a moment – would you have married each other if you acted then towards each other like you act now?

Now ask yourself – How do you feel about your spouse this minute?  How often do you think about them during a typical day.  In what way do you think about them? How do you treat them when you are with them?  How do you communicate with them?  What do you wear when you are around them?  How often do you kiss and touch each other?  Do they feel like they are loved and are in a sexual and romantic relationship with you?  Are you their lover?

Let’s get even more specific with the questions.  What happens when you wake up first thing in the morning?  Do you jump right out of bed and rush to take care of the screaming baby or get yourself ready for work?  Or do you take a minute first to cuddle up to your spouse, kiss them on the neck and say “Good morning lover!” before reluctantly leaving them to start the day?  When you are apart do you miss them terribly and look forward to being with them again?  When you are driving, does your mind wander to your spouse and do you start thinking about how sexy they were the night before and how incredibly good it felt when you made love with each other?  Throughout the day,  do things remind you of your spouse, do you ever take a minute to think how that sweet little baby has your spouse’s adorable dimple in his chin, or how your spouse would love the flowers in your boss’s office.  Do thoughts of your spouse cause you to feel a little flutter of love in your tummy?  Do you regularly text or email your spouse and tell them just how sexy you think they are and that you are thinking about them and missing them?   Do you stop what you are doing and greet your spouse with a long lingering kiss and hug when you part or when you see each other again? Daily, do you think of special things you can do for them to let them know just how much you love and cherish them?  What kind of voice and tone do you use when you talk to them throughout the day?  Would someone listening to your conversation think you were their lover, or a business partner, or even worse, their parent?  Do you regularly flirt with your spouse?  Do you enjoy pleasing them and being pleased by them – even when you can’t have a full-blown sexual encounter?  Do you think like a lover, do you act like a lover…are you your spouse’s lover?

Think like a lover – act like one – be a lover – all day long, every day!  It really is that simple (at least in theory!!)

The angel and the devil – both were lying!

angel and devil

When I first opened myself back up sexually and allowed myself to enjoy having sex with my husband again, the “Good Girl Syndrome” was still thriving within me.  While I made the decision to allow myself to be sexual again, it was more or less based on the reasoning that I was just going to be a bad girl from then on and enjoy sex no matter what the costs were. A couple of years later, I ended up seeking help from a sex therapist because of some hormonal related physical issues that threatened to take away my new found enjoyment of sex. It was during this time that I finally confronted the faulty thinking patterns about sex which had negatively influenced me for so many years!

During one of the sex therapy sessions I tried to convey to the therapist that I often felt torn between the desire to be good and the desire to be bad. I told her I felt like I had a devil on one shoulder saying  “Go ahead, be bad, have sex.  Go ahead and enjoy it! Think of all the things you have been missing.  Forget being spiritual and enjoy being sexual instead!” On the other shoulder, the angel was saying  “Don’t do it!  Be good!  You have to be strong and control yourself and your desires.  You must stay chaste, pure, and spiritual.  You can’t be sexual and remain spiritual. You have to endure to the end – don’t succumb now! “

As I described to the therapist the battle that raged in my head between the devil telling me to be bad, and the angel telling me to be good, a light bulb suddenly turned on in my mind!  It was at this very moment that it became clear to me that both the devil and the angel on my shoulder were telling lies.  I was lying to myself!  It finally hit me that the choice to be sexual is not about choosing to be bad over being good and these thoughts I had always bought into were just plain wrong!

God is the one that made us sexual beings.  He is the one that created our bodies.  He commanded us to have sexual relations in marriage.  Why would God create us to be sexual, why would He command us to have sexual relations in marriage if it was bad and evil? He wouldn’t!

That day in the therapist’s office I began to realize for the first time just how faulty my thinking patterns really had been!  After some deep pondering, reading, and processing with the therapist (who btw was not LDS), I finally began to grasp the concept that sex was really a gift given to me by God.  I started to comprehend that God fully intends for us to wisely use this gift in our marriage, not only for procreation, but also to enhance the husband/wife relationship and to make it stronger.  I began to see that sex within marriage was not only a gift, it was a privilege.  Finally, I understood that being sexual was not a choice between being bad and good, as I had thought, but rather a choice between accepting God’s gift to me or rejecting His gift.

With the above recognition came the acceptance that:

I CAN be good and still be sexual with my husband!

 I CAN be good and still enjoy pleasure and passion!

I CAN be sexual and still be spiritual!

I CAN even have fun being sexual without having to be embarrassed,  without feeling guilty or ashamed!

I CAN have lustful thoughts and desires for my husband!

Not only can I do these things – but I am learning that God actually wants me to do these things!  He wants me to enjoy the gift He gave me, the gift He gave my marriage.  He wants me to use this gift to enhance and strengthen my relationship with my husband, to draw us closer together, to bind us, and to help us to become one in purpose.  He wants me to understand that it is not only a special gift, it is also a divine privilege.

A gift and privilege that I can either choose to accept , treasure, and enjoy  or one that I can reject!

It’s just a matter of choice and understanding what the true choice is!

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