So… go ahead and wrap yourself up – and give him the present he really wants!!
Merry Christmas Everyone
This post is my response to baroquelylyrical85’s comment made here
20 years is a long time without answers? Try almost 50! lol
Let’s address “I just want to know where to look to find answers about who I am”. I think you already have the answer to this question – you just have not accepted the truth of this answer fully yet! You are a beautiful daughter of God – created by God – in his image – with an amazing body that was created by Him. Please don’t ever see yourself as anything less. And remember – God created all of your body – all of it – even your sexual parts, including your clitoris. To quote some wise words – “God don’t make junk”! But man does – often through the misuse of God’s creations.
Really accepting that you are a daughter of God and that God created your amazing body can and should help you with your sexuality issues. Think about this – among many many other things – your body was created to be sexual. You have a clitoris that has no other purpose but to give you pleasurable feelings. Your body was created to have sexual feelings and desires, and was created in a miraculous way to allow you to experience amazing sensations and wonderful pleasure when having sex. You have been blessed with sexual feelings and desires (a high drive as you call it) – and those were given to you by God! It sounds like you may see that as a heavy burden – something that you need to get rid of – instead of seeing it as the special gift it is – and seeing that it is something to treasure and to embrace – while also learning to take care of and use in the proper way. Why do you beat yourself up for having what He gave you – for having what He wanted you to have?
As a child – I discovered a wonderful substance that tasted so good. Sugar! It is an amazing creation. When added to other ingredients it makes delicious treats. The more you eat it, the more you want it. Yet for good reasons, that I could not understand as a child, my parents would limit this wonderful food and not let me eat it all the time, only occasionally. Who created sugar – who made it taste so good? God did and I believe that He planned for us to enjoy sugar and to receive pleasure from eating sweet things throughout our life. He also knew that because it tasted so good, it would be misused and cause problems for many people. He knew we would have to learn to have boundaries when eating sugar in order to avoid the consequences of the misuse of it.
I learned as I grew up why my parents limited my intake of sugary treats. Sugar tastes really good, but it has a lot of calories without any nutritional value. In excess, sugar can be harmful. As I matured I figured out that sugar is not bad in and of itself, and has an appropriate place in my life, but overuse and abuse of it IS bad and not healthy for me. There were many that told me sugar is bad in and of itself and something I should avoid all together. I didn’t buy into that ideal at all! Instead through experience, I learned for myself that sugar is good or bad based simply on how I use it, how much of it I eat, and when I eat it. If I partake of sugar with restraint and moderation – it can be a wonderful addition to my life. But if I eat too much of it or eat it at the wrong times, like right before going to sleep without brushing my teeth – it can wreck all sorts of havoc with my body and my health. A lot of that learning came from experiencing the consequences of not restraining or moderating my intake of sugar – and some of those consequences were quite painful – like tooth aches from tooth decay, etc. I had wise parents that tried to teach me and warn me. If I had listened and trusted them – I may have avoided some of the painful consequences from eating too much sugar.
I think we can use this analogy of sugar to look at sexuality. You say that when you were just a child – you figured out that certain parts of your body felt good when you touched them. Ask yourself why did those parts feel good? Isn’t it simply because God made them to feel good? He planned those parts of your body – just as he planned everything else. He planned for you to receive pleasure and to give pleasure with your body. He planned for all of his children to have joy from their sexuality – IF they used their gift wisely. And he knew, that unfortunately not everyone would be wise. Some don’t understand what a wonderful gift sex is. We see evidence all around us of the misuse and abuse of this special gift and we can see the pain and sorrow that comes from that misuse. However, this misuse and abuse of it does not make it a bad thing in and of itself. Although there are many who would like us to think it is. There are messages all around us (some even come from our religions) that tell us sex IS bad, ugly, evil and something we should avoid. Thus the creation of the “Good girls don’t” syndrome – and the plunge of many people’s self esteem because they have strong desires for this “evil” thing!
There are also messages on the opposite spectrum that lead us to believe that anything goes as far as our sexuality is concerned – that we can do anything that feels good as long as we don’t hurt anyone else. These are a few of the many false teachings that come from man. Sex is a good thing, it is a gift to us from God – but one that should be clearly understood, cherished, and used appropriately within the boundaries that the Creator of it has designated.
When we buy into any of these kinds of false messages – then sex becomes a “problem”, a source of pain, or a burden for us to deal with – not a source of joy. God created us as sexual beings! It is part of who we are – part of who he intended us to be. He has asked us to take care of our bodies and to use our God given gifts wisely. To think that sex is bad – is to equate that we are bad, that God made us bad. We are fighting against God with this faulty thought process – and basically throwing his gift in the trash and calling it junk.
Looking at the other end of the spectrum – to think that anything goes as long as it feels good – ignores the counsel from God to take care of our bodies and to use our God given gifts wisely and appropriately as he designates. We only have to look around us to see why we need to follow God’s counsel concerning sex. The fact that the negative consequences of this “anything goes” behavior wrecks havoc with people’s lives and with society has clearly been shown and proven throughout the world’s history. To think we can avoid those consequences ignores this evidence.
We have to work hard NOT to buy into the negative messages about sex (the whole spectrum of them) – especially the ones we pick up from our religions. We have to work hard to remember that sex is an amazing gift from God – and our sexuality is a wonderful part of who we are. We can learn to use this gift wisely and experience great joy and pleasure because of it. We can learn to control ourselves, moderate our behavior appropriately, and channel our sexual desires – while still embracing our sexuality. It’s a process though – a life long process of learning. Learning most often takes place from our own experiences (both good and bad ones).
So while these learning experiences may sometimes be very painful – they too are a good thing – something God planned for His children to have here on earth.
Coming up – Part 2 addressing “how to handle myself so I can deal with how I feel and make the best decisions for me and my relationship with my Heavenly Father.”
I recently started reading the book “Women’s Anatomy of Arousal” by Sheri Winston. While I have not finished it yet, I have read enough to conclude this is a must read for all women and men. Here is part of the Amazon description of this book:
“WINNER, 2010 BOOK OF THE YEAR AWARD! THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF SEX EDUCATORS, COUNSELORS & THERAPISTS (AASECT). Find out why Dr. Christiane Northrup has called Women’s Anatomy of Arousal “the most comprehensive, user-friendly, practical and uplifting book on women’s sexuality I’ve ever read. It’s the gold standard!” Women have a largely unknown network of structures responsible for arousal and orgasm that their owners and even most medical professionals don’t know about. We’re not just talking about Ye Olde G-Spot here. Women have an entire erectile network that, if properly stimulated, can elevate their erotic experience from “Oh!” to “Oh! Oh! Oh!” Join celebrated sexuality teacher Sheri Winston as she integrates ancient wisdom, lost knowledge and modern sexuality information in a sexy, fun, empowering guidebook that illuminates every woman’s secret paths to fabulous, orgasmically abundant sex. Whether you’re a woman or a man who loves women, this book is for you! There’s great information here, but that’s not why Winston wrote the book. She wrote it to transform people’s lives and support them to reclaim their erotic birthright. And what she shares works! When people apply the information and techniques she provides, the result is often a whole new level of sexual pleasure.”
Sexual anatomy of women is seldom taught in our society, and when it is, it’s often taught incorrectly. As I read through this book, I was surprised that I often felt like I was reading about parts of my body for the very first time, although I know I have read other books that contained some of the same info.
Also while reading the book I was reminded that not only did God create the perfect body parts for the pro-creation process, but He also created the perfect body parts that all work together to allow women to feel amazing sexual pleasure, as much, if not more than men feel. In reflecting on this process necessary for these body parts to work their magic, I could more clearly see how the sexual process, when allowed to all work together properly, has the potential to contribute to building a strong and binding connection between spouses, if they learn to use their sexuality and bodies together wisely and often.
Here is a small sample of just how wondrous and amazing women’s sexual organs are and how they work. Always remember the fact that this very intriguing and intricate system, including the pleasure aspect, was created by God.
Women have erectile tissues just like men. Men’s erectile tissues in the penis work as a single unit and the action of these valves are coordinated – which allows the penis to become erect, stay erect. and then release in the refractory period. Women’s erectile valves don’t require coordinated effort and it’s not one functional unit. Instead they have different compartments that can work together or independently. Which is why women don’t have refractory periods and can have prolonged and multiple orgasms. The book describes all the areas that erectile tissue is located, but let’s only touch on two of the areas for now.
The Vestibular Bulbs are two big tear drop shaped wads of erectile tissue that are located beneath the labial lips, on both sides of the vaginal orifice and are connected to the shaft of the clitoris. (The book describes them as surrounding the vagina entrance as “a pair of plump parentheses”) When they become erect, they help intercourse to feel more pleasurable to women. Sheri Winston suggests that if women are having vaginal penetrations without puffy (erect) bulbs – they are doing it before their body is ready and is why it may not feel that good. Just like a man’s erection is needed for his enjoyment of intercourse – a woman’s erection of the bulbs is needed in order for the women to get the most enjoyment out of sexual penetration. She writes “I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s so important it bears repeating. Never let anything enter your pussy before you’re ready. Don’t accept penetration of any sort unless it’s feeling fabulous. It’s your job to take care of yourself by being very attuned to your own readiness and response. Just because he’s hard and ready doesn’t mean it’s time to let him in. Always pay attention to your own arousal and readiness and base what your do on that, not on your assessment of what he wants.” During most of my marriage, intercourse always occurred and often still occurs when I am not fully aroused. This is not my husband’s fault, as I have most of the control of when he enters me. I often encourage him to enter me when I am not aroused. I did not understand what arousal did to my vaginal area, to these bulbs. Is it any wonder that sexual intercourse has been the least enjoyable part of sex for me? I now know better!
The “G spot” is another area of erectile tissue found in the vaginal area that can also contribute to a women’s pleasurable feelings during intercourse. It is often described on many sites as a “dime-sized spot” on the top side of the vagina wall. Sheri says that description isn’t really correct, instead It’s a cylinder – a tube of erectile tissue that surrounds the urethral canal. The “spot” that is always referred to as the “G spot” is actually the underside of the cylinder that can be felt through the front part of the top wall of the vagina. Because it is made up of erectile tissue and usually only feels good when engorged, if a women is not aroused, there is not much there for her to feel. So again, we see the importance of arousal before intercourse.
An interesting tidbit on the “G spot” is that not only can this area feel pleasurable when erect – it also serves an important purpose during the sexual act. It cushions the sensitive urethra from the mechanics of intercourse and when erect the spongy cylinder narrows the urethral opening, decreasing the chances of bacteria entering that causes painful UT infections to develop. While there is no scientific proof, Sheri believes the fluid often expressed when squirting, may contain an antibacterial component too.
In a society where a great deal of our education about sex comes from books, movies, TV, porn, etc. which mostly focuses on the act of sexual intercourse as the main and most important event, it’s easy to see from the above how not knowing and understanding women’s anatomy and how to arouse them, especially before intercourse, can keep many women from realizing sexual enjoyment and reaching their true sexual potential. This is even more true in the LDS culture where almost all sexual education seems to be shied away from. In marriages where sexual encounters consist of very little foreplay (especially the right kind of foreplay), and usually consists of only intercourse, and some stimulation to the clitoris (if the women is lucky), is it a wonder that women are not all that interested in sex much of the time. This is not the fault of most men, women also are as equally uneducated about their own bodies. The sad reality is many women and men just don’t know better. But with this book and all the good info and tips in it – we now have no excuse for not knowing better! Now all we need to do is get this book into the hands of others. This post serves as my effort to do just that!
If you have read this book already or if you get it to read, please come back and share what you learned from it and some of your thoughts.
I came across this article “7 signs of a troubled marriage“.
A couple of things stuck out to me. First there is this quote”
“Lots of folks–more often women in my experience–condone their behavior by saying they don’t want to have sex if they don’t feel like it but this position readily becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Both men and women get a boost of oxytocin–the bonding hormone–when sexual or even when cuddling, so paradoxically, if you have sex, you will then feel close (and more sexual) again. It’s a bit like priming the pump.”
Although I already knew this – it just hit me again how if you don’t have sex because you don’t want to have sex because you don’t feel like it makes us not feel like it more and more, and then we want it less and less. To reverse the cycle, you have more sex, which makes you feel like having more sex, which makes you want it more!! It’s amazing to think that this is how God created our bodies to work! He created our bodies to get a boost of the bonding hormone – oxytocin when we have sex and cuddle. So the answer to a low libido is right here for most women – but they just won’t do it!! Many therapists call this answer the “Fake it till you make it” technique.
The other part of this article that stuck out to me is this:
“If the only time that you spend with your mate is conducting the business of the marriage–doing chores, paying bills, managing child care–then the relationship ceases to have the qualities of a deep and tender friendship. As the old Michael Johnson song so aptly put it, “Love will get you through times of no sex better than sex will get you through times of no love…”
One thing I can say about my marriage, even during the long sexual desert period, was we maintained a friendship and spent time together on a regular basis as friends. I like being with my husband, we have fun together. We have always had a weekly date night, we grocery shopped together, when our children were old enough to be at home alone – we walked together in the morning. Even during the years of my GGS when sex was at a minimum (often only once a month for some of those years) we still spent a lot of time together enjoying each other in a non-sexual way. I know that many times, Hubby hoped this time together would help me want to have sex more with him. But sadly, it didn’t – my GGS was just too entrenched. I have wondered often if this friendship and time to together made a difference in our marriage surviving the sexual lean years. It definitely played a part in my being comfortable enough with my husband to reach out to him when I had my sexual awakening.
While these words come from a song – do you agree with the concept “Love will get you through times of no sex better than sex will get you through times of no love…”?
Thoughts on this article?
Contrast this list from LDS Living online magazine in an article “50 ways to show your husband you love him”:
with this list in an MSN article: 10 steps to being a better wife:
Are these lists that different? (Other than Mormons tend to be a bit more prolific and think more is better sometimes – 50 vs 10 – whew, talk about being overwhelmed (and we can’t count – there are actually 51) lol). I did notice that sex is not mentioned at all in the LDS article, while it is in the MSN article (in the explanation part under #3 Keep the romance alive, it says initiate sexual play).
Are LDS marriages so different from non-LDS marriages? Are LDS men that different than non-LDS men? I don’t think so.
I would like to hear from all men, LDS and non-LDS men – here’s your chance – tell us your list. What are the top 10 things your wife can do to show you she loves you? List them in the order of priority of importance to you!
For most of our marriage, the only kind of sex Hubby got from me was pity sex, or duty sex is another term often used to describe it. The real term for it should be extremely unfulfilling bad sex! This kind of sex only happened in our marriage after Hubby had tried unsuccessfully for a long period of time (weeks and sometimes as long as a month or two) to have sex with me and was rejected over and over and was finally loosing patience. So I would finally give in with the words, “Fine, if you have to do this, just hurry and get it over with!”. Then I would lay there and let him have intercourse missionary style. No foreplay, no kissing, no touching my breasts, – nothing else was allowed – he was only allowed to put it in and have an orgasm, the quicker the better!
Usually as I laid there like a cold fish, while he was doing his thing – I felt resentment towards him the whole time. Why did I have to do this? I just want to sleep? This makes me feel bad. Don’t touch my breast. Don’t even think about kissing me. Why is it taking so long? He just using me!
This sounds romantic , loving, and fun – right? Not to mention a nice bonding experience that allowed us to feel closer as husband and wife – right? Of course not! The only thing this kind of sex accomplished in my marriage was it served as a very unsatisfactory sexual tension release for my husband. The kind of release that I think he soon began to resent – yet he accepted it anyways!
I have always wondered why! Why didn’t he just say “No way – I think I will just take care of myself! What you are offering is not in the least bit fulfilling and is just plain destructive to our relationship! If you can’t participate fully, lovingingly, because you want to be with me and love me back, then I am not interested in being with you sexually – at all! Just so you know though, you are killing our marriage and the love I once had for you is slipping away because of your coldness and your negative attitude towards sex. I can not guarantee how long I will put up with this behavior from you. I am committed to our marriage, but I did not get married to live with a sister, friend, or whatever. I got married to have a wife, a wife that I can be with physically in every way, the way God intended, not just emotionally! I want… I NEED a wife who loves me and wants to be with me physically and participates fully in the physical intimacy aspect. IF you insist upon continuing on this path as far as sex is concerned that is your choice, but I will have to re-evaluate what I need to do to find happiness in my life! Because I am NOT happy now – at all! So as far as I am concerned – don’t bother to offer your obligatory “lie there like a cold fish” sex anymore, because I won’t be accepting it again – ever!!!”
I am sure he thought these things, why did he not just say it? I wonder what would have happened if he had said this and showed he meant it with his actions! Would I have changed sooner if he had insisted upon us getting counseling? Would this kind of response have served as a wake up call to me? I guess we will never know! Fortunately for him – I woke up on my own, years later. But so much precious time has been wasted in the process. Time that we can never get back!
Spouses, don’t waste the time like we did. Life is too short! Don’t allow this kind of sex in your marriage. It has no place, and serves no purpose! In my opinion it is actually destructive to the relationship! There comes a time when your bodies don’t work like they use to when you were younger. If you wait too long, the choice to have a happy frequent sex life may be taken away from you – either because of physical issues – or because the marital relationship will deteriorate to the point of not surviving. Insist upon getting help as soon as possible if this is all your spouse has to offer you or if this is all you have to offer your spouse! The sooner that this issue is dealt with properly in your marriage, the happier and more fulfilling your marriage and relationship can be – the way God intended it to be. The clock is ticking!!
Sometimes Hubby and I just have to get away. We leave the stress behind, leave all the unfinished projects, leave the kids and grandkids, and just focus on each other while on a fun filled sexcation! No – its not all about sex, but sex IS a big part of these get aways and something we look forward to. We use the time to renew and refresh ourselves together. It is our time to only concentrate on each other and have fun together, which includes exciting sex.
As empty nesters, you would think we could do this any time we want at home. Alas that is not the case, at least for us. While our kids do not live with us – those that live near by spend a lot of time with us. And of course there is always tons to do around the house, and church work that is never ending, not to mention the obsessive compulsive need we Mormons have to plan church activities around the clock. And besides – there is just something a bit exciting about having sex in a hotel! Yup – I love sexcations! I think I need to start planning our next one! 😉
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