LDS Gals learning to embrace sexuality

God created our bodies to enjoy sex – what's not to enjoy?

Archive for the category “Marital Sex”

The Sex-Starved Marriage – It’s NOT just about sex!

‘The sex-starved marriage” TED talk by Michele Weiner Davis

Excellent reasons why one should not reject their spouse.

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All he wants for Christmas is YOU!!

So… go ahead and wrap yourself up – and give him the present he really wants!!

Merry Christmas Everyone

Sex Slump!

I know, I know – it’s been a while!  You could say I am in a sort of sex slump!  Time to pull myself up and get out of it!

Here is an article on some ideals on how to do that!  I’ll let you know if any of them work!   lol

Are you in a sex slump? The 20 reasons you’re just not in the mood (and how to get your mojo back)

At least I have a holiday weekend to do some mojo work!! 

 

The book – “Women’s Anatomy of Arousal” by Sheri Winston

I recently started reading the book “Women’s Anatomy of Arousal” by Sheri Winston.  While I have not finished it yet, I have read enough to conclude this is a must read for all women and men.  Here is part of the Amazon description of this book:

 “WINNER, 2010 BOOK OF THE YEAR AWARD! THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF SEX EDUCATORS, COUNSELORS & THERAPISTS (AASECT). Find out why Dr. Christiane Northrup has called Women’s Anatomy of Arousal “the most comprehensive, user-friendly, practical and uplifting book on women’s sexuality I’ve ever read. It’s the gold standard!” Women have a largely unknown network of structures responsible for arousal and orgasm that their owners and even most medical professionals don’t know about. We’re not just talking about Ye Olde G-Spot here. Women have an entire erectile network that, if properly stimulated, can elevate their erotic experience from “Oh!” to “Oh! Oh! Oh!” Join celebrated sexuality teacher Sheri Winston as she integrates ancient wisdom, lost knowledge and modern sexuality information in a sexy, fun, empowering guidebook that illuminates every woman’s secret paths to fabulous, orgasmically abundant sex. Whether you’re a woman or a man who loves women, this book is for you! There’s great information here, but that’s not why Winston wrote the book. She wrote it to transform people’s lives and support them to reclaim their erotic birthright. And what she shares works! When people apply the information and techniques she provides, the result is often a whole new level of sexual pleasure.” 

Sexual anatomy of women is seldom taught in our society, and when it is, it’s often taught incorrectly.  As I read through this book, I was surprised that I often felt like I was reading about parts of my body for the very first time, although I know I have read other books that contained some of the same info.  

Also while reading the book I was reminded that not only did God create the perfect body parts for the pro-creation process, but He also created the perfect body parts that all work together to allow women to feel amazing sexual pleasure, as much, if not more than men feel.  In reflecting on this process necessary for these body parts to work their magic, I could more clearly see how the sexual process, when allowed to all work together properly, has the potential to contribute to building a strong and binding connection between spouses, if they learn to use their sexuality and bodies together wisely and often. 

Here is a small sample of just how wondrous and amazing women’s sexual organs are and how they work.  Always remember the fact that this very intriguing and intricate system, including the pleasure aspect, was created by God.

   Women have erectile tissues just like men.  Men’s erectile tissues in the penis work as a single unit and the action of these valves are coordinated – which allows the penis to become erect, stay erect. and then release in the refractory period.  Women’s erectile valves don’t require coordinated effort and it’s not one functional unit.  Instead they have different compartments that can work together or independently.  Which is why women don’t have refractory periods and can have prolonged and multiple orgasms.  The book describes all the areas that erectile tissue is located, but let’s only touch on two of the areas for now.

  The Vestibular Bulbs are two big tear drop shaped wads of erectile tissue that are located beneath the labial lips, on both sides of the vaginal orifice and are connected to the shaft of the clitoris.  (The book describes them as surrounding the vagina entrance as “a pair of plump parentheses”)  When they become erect, they help intercourse to feel more pleasurable to women.  Sheri Winston suggests that if women are having vaginal penetrations without puffy (erect) bulbs – they are doing it before their body is ready and is why it may not feel that good.  Just like a man’s erection is needed for his enjoyment of intercourse – a woman’s erection of the bulbs is needed in order for the women to get the most enjoyment out of sexual penetration.   She writes “I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s so important it bears repeating.  Never let anything enter your pussy before you’re ready.  Don’t accept penetration of any sort unless it’s feeling fabulous.  It’s your job to take care of yourself by being very attuned to your own readiness and response.  Just because he’s hard and ready doesn’t mean it’s time to let him in.  Always pay attention to your own arousal and readiness and base what your do on that, not on your assessment of what he wants.”  During most of my marriage, intercourse always occurred  and often still occurs when I am not fully aroused.  This is not my husband’s fault, as I have most of the control of when he enters me.   I often encourage him to enter me when I am not aroused.  I did not understand what arousal did to my vaginal area, to these bulbs.  Is it any wonder that sexual intercourse has been the least enjoyable part of sex for me?  I now know better!

  The “G spot” is another area of erectile tissue found in the vaginal area that can also contribute to a women’s pleasurable feelings during intercourse.  It is often described on many sites as a “dime-sized spot” on the top side of the vagina wall.  Sheri says that description isn’t really correct, instead It’s a cylinder – a tube of erectile tissue that surrounds the urethral canal.  The “spot” that is always referred to as the “G spot” is  actually the underside of the cylinder that can be felt through the front part of the top wall of the vagina.  Because it is made up of erectile tissue and usually only feels good when engorged, if a women is not aroused, there is not much there for her to feel.  So again, we see the importance of arousal before intercourse. 

An interesting tidbit on the “G spot” is that not only can this area feel pleasurable when erect –  it also serves an important purpose during the sexual act.  It cushions the sensitive urethra from the mechanics of intercourse and when erect the spongy cylinder narrows the urethral opening, decreasing the chances of bacteria entering that causes painful UT infections to develop.  While there is no scientific proof, Sheri believes the fluid often expressed when squirting, may contain an antibacterial component too.

In a society where a great deal of our education about sex comes from books, movies, TV, porn, etc. which mostly focuses on the act of sexual intercourse as the main and most important event, it’s easy to see from the above how not knowing and understanding women’s anatomy and how to arouse them, especially before intercourse, can keep many women from realizing sexual enjoyment and reaching their true sexual potential.  This is even more true in the LDS culture where almost all sexual education seems to be shied away from.  In marriages where sexual encounters consist of very little foreplay (especially the right kind of foreplay), and usually consists of only intercourse, and some stimulation to the clitoris (if the women is lucky), is it a wonder that women are not all that interested in sex much of the time.  This is not the fault of most men, women also are as equally uneducated about their own bodies.  The sad reality is many women and men just don’t know better.   But with this book and all the good info and tips in it – we now have no excuse for not knowing better!  Now all we need to do is get this book into the hands of others.  This post serves as my effort to do just that!

If you have read this book already or if you get it to read, please come back and share what you learned from it and some of your thoughts. 

 

 

Top Ten Things to Do to Survive a Dry Spell in Marriage from the Wife’s Perspective – Guest Post

My friend V. L. Holt (her bio is at the bottom), who also wrote this guest post, “Sex as Rocket Science“, recently went through a short dry spell in her intimate life with her husband.  I asked her if she had any advice for women going through dry spells because of their husbands periods of lack of desire.  She consented to let me share her wisdom:

“Top Ten Things to Do to Survive a Dry Spell in Marriage from the Wife’s Perspective”

Before you freak out, have a little faith. There really are wives out there who enjoy fulfilling sexual relationships with their husbands. And when we hit a dry spell in our intimate life, we feel the pinch.

10) Find a new hobby. Very little can compete with the massive endorphin flood you get from an orgasm, so choose carefully. Bungie jumping off a bridge or sky diving are great options.

9) Visit amusement parks. Again, we’re trying to duplicate the hormone rush of good sex, so the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland isn’t going to cut it. We’re talking the Kingda Ka of Six Flags or Top Thrill Dragster of Cedar Point. With speeds upward of 120 mph, a girl can get mighty happy mighty quick. It’ll do.

8) Night out with the girls. Since hubby isn’t putting out, then it must be time to go out. Nothing gets so gut-bustingly funny as a bunch of real Mormon housewives drunk on being kidless for an evening. Plus being around extra estrogen can help tone down your sex drive so you’re not so peckish.

7) Speaking of hungry, the right food is the right stuff. Since you’re missing sex, you’re going to want to find something that will be a decent replacement without creating an even more keen desire. Avoid aphrodisiac foods like oysters, certain mushrooms or Indian food. (Think Kama Sutra.) Instead go for the things that you usually avoid because of the risk of bad breath. Garlic-stuffed cheese bites, sardines in mustard sauce, spicy BBQ pork rinds. Gnosh away!

6) Cuddle time with the kids. Studies have shown that women are capable of surviving with less sex than men comfortably because of the hormones that are involved in cuddling kids. Oxytocin and relaxin are just a couple that get released when you’re hugging or smooching on your toddler. Or adrenaline, if your toddler doesn’t want to cuddle and you end up chasing him all over the house brandishing a stuffed duck and a picture book.

5) Take flying lessons. All by yourself. If you get my drift.

4) Sex isn’t just about orgasm. Some other benefits are bonding (see #6) and unifying a couple. So if the reason you’re not making whoopee isn’t health-related, try an activity with your husband that unites you. Ganging up against your rebellious teenager whose grades mysteriously dropped two levels in one quarter can really unite you. Support your husband as he takes away the car, the phone, the internet, the bedroom door and one of the three meals. Your united front will bring you even closer.

3) There are some things you should probably avoid, you know, if you don’t want to be reminded of your low period. Things like sexy movies, sexy books, or cucumbers.

2) Surf blogs about married sex. Sometimes it’s nice to know that you’re not the only woman out there who is pining for the sweaty desperate yoga move called the beast with two backs.

1) Find a new hubby. Oh, oops! Typo! That’s not what I meant! I already put find a new *hobby* up at the top! What I meant to say, was try a little thrill-seeking stunt, like donning a raincoat and nothing else, and streaking through the park. Or if you don’t mind swallowing your pride, you could try begging for sex, but I don’t recommend it. If hubby really doesn’t feel like it, then you’re both going to feel lousy after he refuses.

I hope you enjoyed these nifty suggestions for surviving your sexual dry spell in marriage. If you end up trying anything illegal, you didn’t get the suggestion from me. And if you end up trying anything death defying and getting injured…well then hubby gets to take care of you. Maybe you’ll get lucky and he’ll give you a sponge bath.

 V. L. Holt

V. L. Holt is a SAHM of six kids ranging from missionary age to nursing age. After the third one came along, she asked a good friend how did anyone manage to make any more? Her friend suggested pushing a dresser in front of the bedroom door.

Holt also spends time writing. Her most recent accomplishment was 97: Rise of the Battle Bred, a young adult paranormal with ironically, no sex in it.

If you get a chance, check out her book.  It’s a great read, and proof that good stories don’t have to have graphic sex in them to make them sexy.

Thanks V for the great advice!

 

 

Just go with it!

Lately, there have been a few times when I really did not feel like or want to have sex when Hubby initiated.  In the olden days, my not wanting to have sex would have been a show stopper.  Fortunately, I have learned to try to keep an open mind, to just go with it, and to allow whatever happens to happen.  Occasionally – my body still does not respond and I don’t get into it physically, however, I enjoy the closeness, giving him pleasure, and laying with him entwined after – and these things make me feel satisfied and content with the encounter.  This is not pity sex, or “Fine – just get it over” sex.  Instead, I participate with enthusiasm and mental excitement even if I am not feeling physical excitement.  I enjoy the sex emotionally and while my body may not respond physically, I still participate because I enjoy my husband and I want him to enjoy me!

Most times,  as I relax and go with it, keeping an open mind in allowing my body to feel what it wants to feel, I get really turned on and we end up both having really good sex!  The last couple of times when I really really did not feel like having sex, but did anyways, my orgasms turned out to be quite intense – which totally surprised me because of feeling so physically non-sexual and non-interested before.

I talked about desire in women and the need to understand that it does not come first in this post.  But even knowing this fact – I am still pleasantly surprised at times how it works.

So, my advice to women continues to be: RELAX – JUST GO WITH IT – AND KEEP YOUR MIND OPEN TO THE POSSIBILITIES!  Even if you really really don’t feel like it!!!

Follow up on “An obervation” – Keep working at it!

Update on this post – “An observation”

I did not get a chance to do my experiment because the same day I wrote that post, Hubby decided we needed to talk!  Coincidentally, Hubby was feeling a little neglected also. (or perhaps he read the post lol)  When we talked – and I expressed that he had not been as touchy feely as he usually is, he was surprised.  In fact, he denied it!  Instead – he felt I was the one pulling away and being distant.

As I said before, I usually am not the touchy feely one in this relationship.  While I return the touches, hugs, and kisses, he is the one that most often starts them – mostly because its his love language and is natural for him.  Plus he does it often enough that I don’t have to that much.  However, as I said in my last post, I have had the higher sex drive and have been doing most of the sex initiation this past year and because I stopped initiating these last couple of months (I did not turn him away when he initiated), he felt I was the one who was pulling away.  Even though he had curtailed the non-sexual touching during the same time period, and even though I did not change anything else about my behavior –  I was the one creating the distance in his mind.  Regardless of who created it first, the fact was we were both feeling a rift.

The experiment I was thinking about was to be the one to start initiating non-sexual touching.  I was curious to see how he would respond since that was not our norm.  I wondered if he would then start-up his non-sexual affection again, and/or if it would increase his desire for sex a little more in some way.  I wondered if it would increase my desire levels a bit.  I didn’t get the chance though because after our talk, Hubby immediately started the kissing, hugging, and hand holding again and actually even ramped up the frequency a bit – which was already a lot.  And interestingly, he has also been initiating sex a lot more these past week.  I wonder if he is feeling a bit insecure in our relationship, a little unsure of me and my feelings – and is trying to draw me back in. (Which if that is what he is doing, I can understand, given our past history of my being a denier for so many years.)  I am still not initiating sex because my desire for sex is still low (although I go with the flow and the desire kicks in after some foreplay – usually) and perhaps this upfront lack of desire has him worried, although he has not brought it up.   Or perhaps, like my reason for not initiating non-physical touching often because he does it often enough, my initiating sex before was often enough that he did not have to.  And now he does.

Or perhaps I am over thinking this too much – and really all of this is a phase, or just related to age, or hormones, or life stresses or a combination of these life occurrences.  I guess I could just ask him – but he would probably say “What are you talking about? and then say I am too analytical about things.  (Which I am and why I have this blog 😉 )

Whatever the reasons – this experience has once again reinforced in my mind just how complicated navigating the husband/wife relationship, especially where sex is concerned.  And this experience has also reinforced to me that we can’t get complacent – we have to work at staying in love, keep communicating, keep trying to reach out to each other, and keep finding ways to stay connected and bonded.  It’s too easy for the relationship to slide and it does not take long for it to begin to erode, especially if we are not careful and mindful about nourishing and protecting it.

An observation!

Hubby and I have been on a downward spiral the last couple of months as far as sexual frequency is concerned.  His desire levels have been slowly decreasing for the past year or so (possible reasons why are for another post) but mine have remained the same, up to this point.  During this year long decline, I have been the major initiator and he has been the accommodating party.  However, for whatever reasons (also another post), this past couple of months my desire levels have also decreased to the point where I feel like I can have sex or leave it and be fine either way.  This is the first time I have felt this way since my sexual re-awakening about 7 years ago.  The result is our sexual frequency has decreased from about 3-4 times a week, to about 1-2 times a week, because I am not initiating as much. While our frequency has declined before for short periods of time – this is the longest time period that it has been this low since my re-awakening.

While this decline should be troubling to me, what is bothering me more is that Hubby and I seem more emotionally distant around each other, less touchy feely, and short tempered and snippy at each other.  We have been going to bed different times so the nighttime cuddling is not occurring often.  From the very beginning of our relationship, Hubby has always been physically affectionate towards me every chance he could get away with it.  He was raised in a loving demonstrative family, while I was raised in a fairly cold, and non-touchy family and his main love language is touch.  He likes to hold hands, hug, put his arms around me, cuddle etc. – even when his desire decreased this past year – his non-sexual displays of affection did not.  He usually comes and finds me to kiss me goodbye before leaving to go to work, but not lately.  The past several weeks he has yelled on his way out the door “I am leaving – have a good day”.  So not only is our sexual frequency decreasing so is our overall physical contact.   For the first time that I can remember – last night we went to see a movie and he did not once reach over to hold my hand.   He finally put his arms around me the very last part though – so it’s not all stopping.

I wonder – are the displays of affectionate touching decreasing because we are having less sex or because we are more emotionally distant lately or because Hubby is going through a phase?  Is my sexual desire decreasing because Hubby desires me less, or because he seems more physically distant, or because I am going through a phase?

Maybe we are both just really tired or getting lazy or going into winter hibernation mode.

All I know – is things are changing and I am pretty sure it’s not for the good!

I think I will have to do an experiment this next month or so.   I will let you know the results.

.

What do men really want their wives to do to show their love?

Contrast this list from LDS Living online magazine in an article “50 ways to show your husband you love him”:

  1.  TELL HIM you love him.
  2.  Make his favorite meal.
  3.  Leave a short & sweet note on the bathroom mirror for him.
  4.  Arrange for him to go golfing on a Saturday.
  5.  Say you’re sorry first.
  6. Iron his shirts for him.
  7. Notice something he has mentioned needing to replace or has been wanting and get it for him. (Even something small, like new razor blades.)
  8. Plan a date for the two of you and don’t tell him what any of the plans are.
  9. Ask him what’s one thing you could do that would help him feel more satisfied with life, then follow through.
  10. Make a card from scratch (no matter how limited your skills) to tell him how you feel about him.
  11.  Pray for him–in your own prayers and your family/couple prayers, so he can hear.
  12. Give him a foot rub.
  13. Make a list of things you love about him, write them on sticky notes, and hide them all over the house so he’ll continue finding them throughout the week.
  14.  Watch the ball game with him, and if you don’t understand what’s going on, ask questions–he’ll appreciate your efforts and interest.
  15. Ask his advice–then take it!
  16. Thank him for the things he does around the house regularly–whether it’s taking out the trash, sorting through the mail, managing bills, or anything else.
  17. Find and frame an old photo of your early dating or married days. Give it to him to keep on his desk at work. 
  18.  Take a night off to spend time with him, rather than listing all the things you need to do when he suggests relaxing with a movie.
  19. Love yourself, and don’t put yourself down. If you’re happy, he’ll be happy.
  20. Encourage him to spend a night out with his friends.
  21. Send him a text message during the day letting him know you’re thinking about him.
  22.  Run some errands for him that he hasn’t been able to get to–like taking the car to get the oil changed or picking up his dry cleaning.
  23.  Tell your children what you love about their dad.
  24.  Give him a long kiss once you’re both home at the end of the day.
  25.  Pick out a movie he would love (but that you would normally veto) and watch it together.
  26.  Keep his confidences–your girlfriends don’t need to know everything.
  27.  Start a hobby together.
  28.  On your next date, make an extra effort to look your best and get dressed up for him.
  29.  Don’t nag him.
  30.  Thank him often and verbally for being a good husband and father. Mention specific things you appreciate.
  31.  Buy his favorite book for him, or buy him a new one you think he’d love.
  32. Give him the TV remote.
  33.  Cuddle with him on the couch after the kids have gone to bed and ask him about his day.
  34.  Surprise him with a clean car and a full tank.
  35.  Make a to-do list with him of all the things you’d like to do with him in the next year.
  36. Look at him appreciatively throughout the day–and let him catch you doing it.
  37.  Take a picture of him on your phone when you catch him doing something great or sweet, and set it as your background.
  38.  Look after him when he’s sick.
  39.  Listen to him with undivided attention–no multi-tasking!
  40.  Tell him what you loved most about him when you first met.
  41.  Tell him what you love most about him today.
  42.  Buy him a gift card to his favorite lunch spot and put it in his wallet.
  43.  Surprise him with a romantic evening.
  44.  Think of his most annoying habit. Now, let it go.
  45.  Give him time to unwind after a long day’s work without immediately adding to his to-do list or complaining about your day.
  46.  Support him in his goals and help him to pursue them.
  47.  Write him love notes and hide them in his suitcase when he goes on business trips.
  48.  Hold his hand while you’re at the grocery store or in the car.
  49.  Rather than just asking him to take care of that household project, do it together.
  50.  Recreate your first date or other memorable moments during your courtship.
  51.  And, again, TELL HIM you love him.

with this list in an MSN article:  10 steps to being a better wife:

  1. Take care of yourself
  2. Say thank you often
  3. Keep the romance alive – (which includes initiate sexual play)
  4. Let him have guy time
  5. Make your husband a priority
  6. Don’t try to change him
  7. Don’t make him guess – tell him what you want
  8. Cultivate friends and interest outside your marriage
  9. Let free time be free
  10. Believe in your husband and let him know it

Are these lists that different?  (Other than Mormons tend to be a bit more prolific and think more is better sometimes – 50 vs 10 – whew, talk about being overwhelmed  (and we can’t count – there are actually 51)  lol).  I did notice that sex is not mentioned at all in the LDS article, while it is in the MSN article (in the explanation part under #3 Keep the romance alive, it says initiate sexual play).

Are LDS marriages so different from non-LDS marriages?  Are LDS men that different than non-LDS men?  I don’t think so.

I would like to hear from all men, LDS and non-LDS men – here’s your chance – tell us your list.  What are the top 10 things your wife can do to show you she loves you?  List them in the order of priority of importance to you!

Christmas is almost here!

The gifts are all wrapped, the stockings are hung, and the fire is lit. The food is almost ready and now we are just waiting for the kids and grandkids to make their appearances.

Finally, I can relax and sit back and enjoy the festive fun and all the fruits of my efforts!

As far as sex goes – all I can say right now is – it’s a good thing Santa Baby has already given her Christmas treats – cause this woman is exhausted! But that’s OK – cause we have a getaway planned for this weekend.

stock-photo-14356408-santa-claus-costume-on-the-beach

I am sooooo excited – it’s one of these!

I hope everyone’s holiday is full of fun, love, and joy (and of course – throw some sex in there somewhere for good measure)!

Merry Christmas!!

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