LDS Gals learning to embrace sexuality

God created our bodies to enjoy sex – what's not to enjoy?

Archive for the category “Articles”

Are you killing your marriage?

An excellent, thought provoking article:
“5 ways you are unknowingly destroying your husband and killing your marriage” by Katelyn Carmen

KILLING your marriage – DESTROYING your husband”

Harsh words and a little dramatic – don’t you think? – Or are they!

I admit I was a bit surprised with #2. I thought she was going to go down the criticizing husbands road. I had not considered this aspect of how being negative about ourselves and other things around our husbands can be harmful to the relationship, but it is so true. Negativity (any kind of negativity) is energy draining to those who express it and those who listen to it! No-one (that I know) really enjoys being around a negative person. This one made me think – how much complaining do I really do around my husband. I need to start paying attention to this aspect of my behavior.

“Women” (and men because she says this article also applies to men), “we need to be careful about how we are caring for our husbands” (wives) “and marriages. Don’t let the small stuff ruin the things that will bring you the greatest happiness in life.”

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Sex Slump!

I know, I know – it’s been a while!  You could say I am in a sort of sex slump!  Time to pull myself up and get out of it!

Here is an article on some ideals on how to do that!  I’ll let you know if any of them work!   lol

Are you in a sex slump? The 20 reasons you’re just not in the mood (and how to get your mojo back)

At least I have a holiday weekend to do some mojo work!! 

 

Is your marriage joyful?

Here is a good article “Five Secrets that Make Marriage Joyful” by Gary and Joy Lundberg in the online LDS magazine, “Meridian”

Is your marriage joyful?  It can be!  I love that one of their tips is for both spouses to enjoy sexual intimacy – not just have sexual intimacy, but ENJOY it – both of them!

Gary and Joy Lundberg explains:

“Sexual intimacy is a vital part of the marriage relationship because it keeps you connected in a way that nothing else can. When enjoyed by both partners, it becomes a physical renewal of your love for each other—a re-commitment of your devotion and your determination to honor your marriage vows. It is a release of stress for both when both find pleasure in it. It bonds a couple, reviving your ability to face the world and all its pressures, together.”

Gary and Joy, married 58 years, really get it!!!

Warning signs of a troubled marriage

I came across this article “7 signs of a troubled marriage“.
A couple of things stuck out to me.  First there is this quote”

“Lots of folks–more often women in my experience–condone their behavior by saying they don’t want to have sex if they don’t feel like it but this position readily becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Both men and women get a boost of oxytocin–the bonding hormone–when sexual or even when cuddling, so paradoxically, if you have sex, you will then feel close (and more sexual) again. It’s a bit like priming the pump.”

Although I already knew this – it just hit me again how if you don’t have sex because you don’t want to have sex because you don’t feel like it makes us not feel like it more and more, and then we want it less and less.  To reverse the cycle, you have more sex, which makes you feel like having more sex, which makes you want it more!!   It’s amazing to think that this is how God created our bodies to work!  He created our bodies to get a boost of the bonding hormone – oxytocin when we have sex and cuddle.  So the answer to a low libido is right here for most women – but they just won’t do it!!  Many therapists call this answer the “Fake it till you make it” technique.
The other part of this article that stuck out to me is this:

“If the only time that you spend with your mate is conducting the business of the marriage–doing chores, paying bills, managing child care–then the relationship ceases to have the qualities of a deep and tender friendship. As the old Michael Johnson song so aptly put it, “Love will get you through times of no sex better than sex will get you through times of no love…”

One thing I can say about my marriage, even during the long sexual desert period, was we maintained a friendship and spent time together on a regular basis as friends.  I like being with my husband, we have fun together.  We have always had a weekly date night, we grocery shopped together, when our children were old enough to be at home alone – we walked together in the morning.  Even during the years of my GGS when sex was at a minimum (often only once a month for some of those years) we still spent a lot of time together enjoying each other in a non-sexual way.   I know that many times, Hubby hoped this time together would help me want to have sex more with him.  But sadly, it didn’t – my GGS was just too entrenched.  I have wondered often if this friendship and time to together made a difference in our marriage surviving the sexual lean years.  It definitely played a part in my being comfortable enough with my husband to reach out to him when I had my sexual awakening.

While these words come from a song – do you agree with the concept “Love will get you through times of no sex better than sex will get you through times of no love…”?
Thoughts on this article?

What do men really want their wives to do to show their love?

Contrast this list from LDS Living online magazine in an article “50 ways to show your husband you love him”:

  1.  TELL HIM you love him.
  2.  Make his favorite meal.
  3.  Leave a short & sweet note on the bathroom mirror for him.
  4.  Arrange for him to go golfing on a Saturday.
  5.  Say you’re sorry first.
  6. Iron his shirts for him.
  7. Notice something he has mentioned needing to replace or has been wanting and get it for him. (Even something small, like new razor blades.)
  8. Plan a date for the two of you and don’t tell him what any of the plans are.
  9. Ask him what’s one thing you could do that would help him feel more satisfied with life, then follow through.
  10. Make a card from scratch (no matter how limited your skills) to tell him how you feel about him.
  11.  Pray for him–in your own prayers and your family/couple prayers, so he can hear.
  12. Give him a foot rub.
  13. Make a list of things you love about him, write them on sticky notes, and hide them all over the house so he’ll continue finding them throughout the week.
  14.  Watch the ball game with him, and if you don’t understand what’s going on, ask questions–he’ll appreciate your efforts and interest.
  15. Ask his advice–then take it!
  16. Thank him for the things he does around the house regularly–whether it’s taking out the trash, sorting through the mail, managing bills, or anything else.
  17. Find and frame an old photo of your early dating or married days. Give it to him to keep on his desk at work. 
  18.  Take a night off to spend time with him, rather than listing all the things you need to do when he suggests relaxing with a movie.
  19. Love yourself, and don’t put yourself down. If you’re happy, he’ll be happy.
  20. Encourage him to spend a night out with his friends.
  21. Send him a text message during the day letting him know you’re thinking about him.
  22.  Run some errands for him that he hasn’t been able to get to–like taking the car to get the oil changed or picking up his dry cleaning.
  23.  Tell your children what you love about their dad.
  24.  Give him a long kiss once you’re both home at the end of the day.
  25.  Pick out a movie he would love (but that you would normally veto) and watch it together.
  26.  Keep his confidences–your girlfriends don’t need to know everything.
  27.  Start a hobby together.
  28.  On your next date, make an extra effort to look your best and get dressed up for him.
  29.  Don’t nag him.
  30.  Thank him often and verbally for being a good husband and father. Mention specific things you appreciate.
  31.  Buy his favorite book for him, or buy him a new one you think he’d love.
  32. Give him the TV remote.
  33.  Cuddle with him on the couch after the kids have gone to bed and ask him about his day.
  34.  Surprise him with a clean car and a full tank.
  35.  Make a to-do list with him of all the things you’d like to do with him in the next year.
  36. Look at him appreciatively throughout the day–and let him catch you doing it.
  37.  Take a picture of him on your phone when you catch him doing something great or sweet, and set it as your background.
  38.  Look after him when he’s sick.
  39.  Listen to him with undivided attention–no multi-tasking!
  40.  Tell him what you loved most about him when you first met.
  41.  Tell him what you love most about him today.
  42.  Buy him a gift card to his favorite lunch spot and put it in his wallet.
  43.  Surprise him with a romantic evening.
  44.  Think of his most annoying habit. Now, let it go.
  45.  Give him time to unwind after a long day’s work without immediately adding to his to-do list or complaining about your day.
  46.  Support him in his goals and help him to pursue them.
  47.  Write him love notes and hide them in his suitcase when he goes on business trips.
  48.  Hold his hand while you’re at the grocery store or in the car.
  49.  Rather than just asking him to take care of that household project, do it together.
  50.  Recreate your first date or other memorable moments during your courtship.
  51.  And, again, TELL HIM you love him.

with this list in an MSN article:  10 steps to being a better wife:

  1. Take care of yourself
  2. Say thank you often
  3. Keep the romance alive – (which includes initiate sexual play)
  4. Let him have guy time
  5. Make your husband a priority
  6. Don’t try to change him
  7. Don’t make him guess – tell him what you want
  8. Cultivate friends and interest outside your marriage
  9. Let free time be free
  10. Believe in your husband and let him know it

Are these lists that different?  (Other than Mormons tend to be a bit more prolific and think more is better sometimes – 50 vs 10 – whew, talk about being overwhelmed  (and we can’t count – there are actually 51)  lol).  I did notice that sex is not mentioned at all in the LDS article, while it is in the MSN article (in the explanation part under #3 Keep the romance alive, it says initiate sexual play).

Are LDS marriages so different from non-LDS marriages?  Are LDS men that different than non-LDS men?  I don’t think so.

I would like to hear from all men, LDS and non-LDS men – here’s your chance – tell us your list.  What are the top 10 things your wife can do to show you she loves you?  List them in the order of priority of importance to you!

5 Automatic Benefits of Sex You Might Not Know {But Should…}

5 Automatic Benefits of Sex You Might Not Know {But Should…}

Since I can’t seem to find time to write on here lately – here is a great site for you to check out!

Are you a happy wife?  Check out this site dedicated to help you become one if you are not and stay one if you are!

Let’s all make it a goal to be HAPPY this year!

Home courses to help make your marriage better!

I posted a new link in the Resources area –  Making Marriages More Passionate: Courses Taught By LDS Therapist Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife

Dr Fife is a psychotherapist and is a member of the LDS church.  She has put together some video courses that you can purchase and work through at home to strengthen your marriage. Right now she is having a sale on them.  I do not have any experience with these courses, but I have read  some of her articles and listened to some of her podcasts and so far have been impressed by what I have read and heard.

Here is an interview with her printed in  “The Mormon Women Project”.
 http://www.mormonwomen.com/2012/10/30/the-intimate-side-of-marriage/

Is sex important to a marriage?

I just read this article, “Why touch is so important in a loving marriage!” by Dr. Charles & Dr. Elizabeth Schmitz. (Thanks Mr.Shorty for the link)

In this article the Schmitz’s wrote something that I was quite surprised by (bolding added): “Over the years we have interviewed thousands of successfully married couples, and most report a reasonable degree of satisfaction with their sex life. But here is our most important research finding concerning this issue: no marriage was ever made successful because the couple had a great sex life!”

OK – I can go along with that one!  Sex is just one component of a marriage, so I can agree that ONLY having a great sex life will not make a marriage successful, especially if the other components are not good!  But then they go on to say (bolding added): “You see, marriage is a multi-faceted and highly complex relationship, and in the best marriages, no one aspect stands out as the “make or break” part of it. The truth is, there are seven pervasive characteristics present in all successful marriages. And guess what: sex isn’t one of them! Sex is only one part of the seven characteristics of a successful marriage.”

Sex isn’t one of the seven pervasive characteristics present in all successful marriages?  Really???  I have a hard time believing that statement! If sex is not one of the seven why does it seem like the lack of sex is one of the top complaints about marriage.  So where is their conclusion coming from?

I remember reading somewhere the ideal that goes something like this (I am going off memory here)  – while sex contributes to only about 10% towards the satisfaction of a marriage, the lack of sex becomes about 90% of the problems in a marriage.  In many marriages, this is definitely the situation.  When you are ranking the importance of things, it makes a difference who you ask to do the ranking.   If you are asking sex starved spouses, they would rank the importance of sex high, but if you are asking the spouses who are denying sex in the marriage, they would rank the importance low.  Couples who have successful marriages, which apparently is where the authors are getting these rankings from, most likely do not have issues with lack of sex – so because it flows naturally out of the relationship, they may not rank its importance as high as those who are missing it, although I would think they would still recognize it’s importance to a point.

I was a bit confused when the authors wrote: “And more importantly, when we asked successfully married couples how important sex is to the success of their marriage — to rank on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest — the average rank was only 6! This finding has held true over the more than 30 years of our research. The results are hardly a resounding endorsement for the importance of sex in a successful marriage.”   My conclusion is a little different from theirs.  I am thinking an average ranking of 6 actually says it IS important in a successful marriage.  You have to consider that they are probably surveying  couples of all ages, which would affect the ratings.  My life experience tells me that importance rankings change in different stages of marriage, or in other words, what is important to newly weds is different from couples with children, which is different from empty nesters, which is different from couples dealing with aging issues.  Also, with in the stages, the importance rankings can be different even between the couples themselves, or in other words a young man may rank the importance of sex high while his young wife ranks it low, etc.   An overall average ranking of 6, considering the different stages of all the participants, seems like it is still up there high on the importance scale in my book.   Part of my confusion comes because the authors write on one hand it has an average ranking of 6, but on the other hand it is not one of the seven characteristics of a successful marriage.  Not sure where they are getting the seven from then!!

According to this couple who wrote the article – “Touch” plays one of the seven important roles in a successful marriage.  They say sex is only one form of touch, there are many forms of touch, and no single form “wins the day”.  Rather the key lies in an “accumulation of touching”!  OK… I am still trying to wrap my head around this concept, and I am not sure I totally agree with it.  However, in a way I can kind of see what they are saying.  I know that when sex gets taken off the table, more often than not, touch also goes out the window.  I did not allow much touching during my denial years, because it led to fights about sex.  When I allowed any touching or kissing or hugging, Hubby tried to take it further to get sex.  So it was easier (on me) to just stop the touching part to begin with.   Because of this, not only was their lack of sex, there was also lack of touching, kissing, & hugging for the most part.  And now that sex is very much a big part of our life – there is also a lot of touching going on too – including in non-sexual situations.  We hold hands, hug, kiss, caress, bump shoulders, pat, tickle, dance, snuggle, spoon, etc. – A LOT!!!  Touching is very important to us, but most of our touching has a bit of a sexual element in it somewhere even if it does not immediately lead to full-blown sex.  Maybe that’s why I am having a hard time understanding the point of this article.  Or perhaps this is just a matter of what comes first – the chicken or the egg?  Are they saying that touching is the important part because it allows the sexual part to flow more naturally?

I don’t know!  As I think about it even more – back in the denial days, I don’t think Hubby would have thought our marriage was all that much better if we touched a lot – but still did not have sex!   I know that now that my drive is on the high side – I would not be happy to only have touching and no sex.  So I am not sure I really understand what this article is really trying to say here.  It almost seems like they are trying to negate the importance of sex in a marriage.   If that is the case, I am not sure I can agree with that conclusion.

How about you – what are your thoughts on this article?

3 things men need to thrive

There are so many good blogs out on the subject of Christian marital sex, I feel like in many ways, I am just repeating and/or saying the same thing just using different words.  I love hearing men’s perspective on this topic.  Here is another blog from a man’s point of view and I especially love this post:

“3 Things He Can’t Live Without”  by Matthew L Jacobson

Do you agree with Matthew’s thoughts on what men need and women have to have?

Wow – Check out this article on porn and young teens

I knew it was bad – but I had no clue it was this bad – A must read for EVERY parent!

Experiment that convinced me online porn is the most pernicious threat facing  children today: By ex-lads’ mag editor MARTIN DAUBNEY

While interviewing a class of twenty 13 & 14 year old teens, both boys and girls, for a documentary on online porn, the interviewers were surprised when they found out what these teens know.

The article describes one shocking revelation –  ” But when Jonny pinned their lists on the  board, it turned out that the children’s extensive knowledge of porn terms was  not only startling, it superseded that of every adult in the room – including  the sex education consultant himself.

Martin was shocked by what the teenagers said

‘Nugget, what’s that?’ asked  Jonny.

‘A nugget is a girl who has no arms or legs  and has sex in a porno movie,’ chortled one young, pimply boy, to an outburst of  embarrassed laughter from some, and outright revulsion from others.

The adults in attendance were incredulous at  the thought that not only did this kind of porn exist, but that a 14-year-old  boy may have actually watched it.”

The article continues “But the more mundane answers were just as  shocking. For example, the first word every single boy and girl in the group put  on their list was ‘anal’.

Read the rest of the article!  Online porn is the most pernicious threat facing children today! on Mail Online.

Very disturbing!!

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