Follow up on “An obervation” – Keep working at it!
Update on this post – “An observation”
I did not get a chance to do my experiment because the same day I wrote that post, Hubby decided we needed to talk! Coincidentally, Hubby was feeling a little neglected also. (or perhaps he read the post lol) When we talked – and I expressed that he had not been as touchy feely as he usually is, he was surprised. In fact, he denied it! Instead – he felt I was the one pulling away and being distant.
As I said before, I usually am not the touchy feely one in this relationship. While I return the touches, hugs, and kisses, he is the one that most often starts them – mostly because its his love language and is natural for him. Plus he does it often enough that I don’t have to that much. However, as I said in my last post, I have had the higher sex drive and have been doing most of the sex initiation this past year and because I stopped initiating these last couple of months (I did not turn him away when he initiated), he felt I was the one who was pulling away. Even though he had curtailed the non-sexual touching during the same time period, and even though I did not change anything else about my behavior – I was the one creating the distance in his mind. Regardless of who created it first, the fact was we were both feeling a rift.
The experiment I was thinking about was to be the one to start initiating non-sexual touching. I was curious to see how he would respond since that was not our norm. I wondered if he would then start-up his non-sexual affection again, and/or if it would increase his desire for sex a little more in some way. I wondered if it would increase my desire levels a bit. I didn’t get the chance though because after our talk, Hubby immediately started the kissing, hugging, and hand holding again and actually even ramped up the frequency a bit – which was already a lot. And interestingly, he has also been initiating sex a lot more these past week. I wonder if he is feeling a bit insecure in our relationship, a little unsure of me and my feelings – and is trying to draw me back in. (Which if that is what he is doing, I can understand, given our past history of my being a denier for so many years.) I am still not initiating sex because my desire for sex is still low (although I go with the flow and the desire kicks in after some foreplay – usually) and perhaps this upfront lack of desire has him worried, although he has not brought it up. Or perhaps, like my reason for not initiating non-physical touching often because he does it often enough, my initiating sex before was often enough that he did not have to. And now he does.
Or perhaps I am over thinking this too much – and really all of this is a phase, or just related to age, or hormones, or life stresses or a combination of these life occurrences. I guess I could just ask him – but he would probably say “What are you talking about? and then say I am too analytical about things. (Which I am and why I have this blog 😉 )
Whatever the reasons – this experience has once again reinforced in my mind just how complicated navigating the husband/wife relationship, especially where sex is concerned. And this experience has also reinforced to me that we can’t get complacent – we have to work at staying in love, keep communicating, keep trying to reach out to each other, and keep finding ways to stay connected and bonded. It’s too easy for the relationship to slide and it does not take long for it to begin to erode, especially if we are not careful and mindful about nourishing and protecting it.