Thinking like a lover
Given that it’s Valentines Day today – the holiday for lovers – I think it is appropriate to write a post about being lovers. This special holiday is a good time for us all to take a look at our husband/wife relationships and ask ourselves – are we our spouses lover? I like this simple definition of what a lover is: “a person who is in love with another; a person who has a sexual or romantic relationship with another”.
Being a lover seems to come naturally in the beginning of a relationship and in the early years of marriage. But somewhere along the line – especially after children come along and careers are being built – many spouses stop being lovers, they get lazy, and maybe a bit too complacent and comfortable with their relationship.
A friend posted this on Facebook. “The woman who puts her children before her husband will soon have neither… ” This friend is married to a woman who I know for a fact lives her life for her children, they come first and I think this post was a direct message to her from her husband. He is not blameless and has done many things to push her away and hurt their marriage and he has also put many things first before her. The way they act and treat each other is definitely not my definition of being lovers. Rather their relationship resembles a parental partnership and nothing more. I am not sure the marriage will survive when the children are raised and gone because once they no longer have to parent together – there will be nothing left in their relationship to keep them together!
I wrote this tongue in cheek post on the negative effect that children have on parents’ libidos. The truth is that children don’t kill libidos – spouses kill their own libidos by not giving their role as lovers the priority it needs to have. They often allow their other roles in life, including being a mother or father, to trump their roles of being a wife or husband and lover. They get out of the habit of thinking like lovers. acting like lovers, and making their spouses feel important and cherished. They don’t stop loving them, but sometimes you can’t tell that fact by watching their behavior.
I hear over and over, women discussing how hard it is to switch from Mommy mode after a long hard day and suddenly trying to be all hot and horny with their spouse. Most of them will tell you this switch does not work well because at the end of the day they are too tired to think about being a lover – let alone acting lovingly. Many husbands virtually ignore their wives all day long, except when they want sex – and then are surprised she is not a willing or enthusiastic participant.
Perhaps what needs to happen is a re-prioritization of the roles of being lovers. Perhaps they need to work on getting back into the habit of being lovers all day long, every single day like they did in the beginning of their relationship, instead of trying to switch to that role now and then, only when necessary or on special occasions.
Think back to how you were in the beginning of your relationship. How did you feel about your spouse? How often did you think about them? How did you treat them when you were with them? How did you talk or communicate with them? How often did you talk and communicate with them? How did you kiss and touch? How often did you kiss and touch? What would have happened to your relationship if you both treated each other the way you do now? Seriously consider that last question for a moment – would you have married each other if you acted then towards each other like you act now?
Now ask yourself – How do you feel about your spouse this minute? How often do you think about them during a typical day. In what way do you think about them? How do you treat them when you are with them? How do you communicate with them? What do you wear when you are around them? How often do you kiss and touch each other? Do they feel like they are loved and are in a sexual and romantic relationship with you? Are you their lover?
Let’s get even more specific with the questions. What happens when you wake up first thing in the morning? Do you jump right out of bed and rush to take care of the screaming baby or get yourself ready for work? Or do you take a minute first to cuddle up to your spouse, kiss them on the neck and say “Good morning lover!” before reluctantly leaving them to start the day? When you are apart do you miss them terribly and look forward to being with them again? When you are driving, does your mind wander to your spouse and do you start thinking about how sexy they were the night before and how incredibly good it felt when you made love with each other? Throughout the day, do things remind you of your spouse, do you ever take a minute to think how that sweet little baby has your spouse’s adorable dimple in his chin, or how your spouse would love the flowers in your boss’s office. Do thoughts of your spouse cause you to feel a little flutter of love in your tummy? Do you regularly text or email your spouse and tell them just how sexy you think they are and that you are thinking about them and missing them? Do you stop what you are doing and greet your spouse with a long lingering kiss and hug when you part or when you see each other again? Daily, do you think of special things you can do for them to let them know just how much you love and cherish them? What kind of voice and tone do you use when you talk to them throughout the day? Would someone listening to your conversation think you were their lover, or a business partner, or even worse, their parent? Do you regularly flirt with your spouse? Do you enjoy pleasing them and being pleased by them – even when you can’t have a full-blown sexual encounter? Do you think like a lover, do you act like a lover…are you your spouse’s lover?
Think like a lover – act like one – be a lover – all day long, every day! It really is that simple (at least in theory!!)