LDS Gals learning to embrace sexuality

God created our bodies to enjoy sex – what's not to enjoy?

An observation!

Hubby and I have been on a downward spiral the last couple of months as far as sexual frequency is concerned.  His desire levels have been slowly decreasing for the past year or so (possible reasons why are for another post) but mine have remained the same, up to this point.  During this year long decline, I have been the major initiator and he has been the accommodating party.  However, for whatever reasons (also another post), this past couple of months my desire levels have also decreased to the point where I feel like I can have sex or leave it and be fine either way.  This is the first time I have felt this way since my sexual re-awakening about 7 years ago.  The result is our sexual frequency has decreased from about 3-4 times a week, to about 1-2 times a week, because I am not initiating as much. While our frequency has declined before for short periods of time – this is the longest time period that it has been this low since my re-awakening.

While this decline should be troubling to me, what is bothering me more is that Hubby and I seem more emotionally distant around each other, less touchy feely, and short tempered and snippy at each other.  We have been going to bed different times so the nighttime cuddling is not occurring often.  From the very beginning of our relationship, Hubby has always been physically affectionate towards me every chance he could get away with it.  He was raised in a loving demonstrative family, while I was raised in a fairly cold, and non-touchy family and his main love language is touch.  He likes to hold hands, hug, put his arms around me, cuddle etc. – even when his desire decreased this past year – his non-sexual displays of affection did not.  He usually comes and finds me to kiss me goodbye before leaving to go to work, but not lately.  The past several weeks he has yelled on his way out the door “I am leaving – have a good day”.  So not only is our sexual frequency decreasing so is our overall physical contact.   For the first time that I can remember – last night we went to see a movie and he did not once reach over to hold my hand.   He finally put his arms around me the very last part though – so it’s not all stopping.

I wonder – are the displays of affectionate touching decreasing because we are having less sex or because we are more emotionally distant lately or because Hubby is going through a phase?  Is my sexual desire decreasing because Hubby desires me less, or because he seems more physically distant, or because I am going through a phase?

Maybe we are both just really tired or getting lazy or going into winter hibernation mode.

All I know – is things are changing and I am pretty sure it’s not for the good!

I think I will have to do an experiment this next month or so.   I will let you know the results.



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6 thoughts on “An observation!

  1. Oh my goodness, that is crazy! Something is wrong, you need to ask him why he isn’t kissing you goodbye or holding your hand. My hubby is the same, kiss hello, kiss goodbye, always grabbing my hand, my bum If he stopped all that and the sex died down I would be more shocked at the not acknowledging me when he was leaving the house over only having sex 2 times a week. That would be the first sign something wasn’t right, after 20 yrs, if he stopped groping me, or hugging me screaming, ” where’s my wife!??” As he walks in I would be asking ‘ what’s going on’????
    He grew up with affection, I did not. We got a kiss on our birthday
    He kissed family everytime he left them etc
    I don’t grab him as much as he grabs me, cos I know he will grab me, but if he stopped then it would be like being flat mates, or brother and sister…

    Something is not right, if all along he has been the one initiating …hugging, kissing. yelling ” where is the most beautiful woman in the world” as he comes in etc.

    Good luck

  2. And I just read this on some site. Maybe you are missing this hormone , hence the antsy feelings? Just a thought..

    One of them is called oxytocin, and this powerful hormone will bond you to your husband with more power than extra-strength superglue. Oxytocin is released into your bloodstream during sexual arousal, and it can both relax you and help you feel emotionally connected to your husband. We’re talking major husband-related warm fuzzies… and what’s not to love about that?

  3. I am going through a similar phase (using the term phase gives me hope that it’s temporary). We are experiencing some distance in our marriage. I hesitate to say it’s mostly me, but think it is. The reason I hesitate is because of our ages. We are both probably experiencing a lot of hormonal things that are operating in the background but have been so gradual over the years that I think you tend to discount their significance. She is not on HRT. I am not on testosterone. I do take blood pressure meds. She does have problems getting enough and quality sleep. We get NO exercise. Our energy levels are compromised. I am getting way less work as a self-employed. Money is tight. It is easy for me to feel depressed at times; not clinically so or chronically, but often enough to make my overall outlook on life seem sporadic.

    You get the picture. As we age there are so many issues that can affect both our ability and desire to be whom we “were” just a few short months ago. Then when the intimacy declines and the sexual frequency drops along with it, things get really confusing and disorienting. The whys of it can be overwhelming. I would suggest looking at things that have no seeming direct effect on desire. Is you lifestyle healthy of declining. How does a healthy diet and exercise fit into BOTH your lives? Does he still feel professionally vital and necessary in his work? What meds are you taking that may be a problem. Even if you have taken them in the past with no problem, you body is changing with age. Does he have ED issues on occasion that make sex disappointing and him feel less virile? Are you finding new challenges and interests to keep you feeling vital? Is it possible either of you has changed your ideas of how sex is “done” or your preferences/abilities have changed and you are subconsciously limiting the variety of your sexual experiences? Is one of you is no longer able to deliver the same “sex” of the past and your partner is reading this as a loss of interest, passion or willingness to be adventurous? It is so easy to both misunderstand and misinterpret the dynamic when there is inadequate communication. Even if you talk about it, that may not be enough if you haven’t “thought” about it. It’s easy to say, “Yeah, I guess I’m just a little tired from work, or stressed about….” You have to put time into seeking out your issues and doing it honestly or the communication may be for naught. “I’ve just been tired from work a lot lately” will not help solve the issue when what you should be saying is, “I am finding our sex a little boring and unsatisfying since I can keep a firm erection,” or “I am finding sex less desirable because of a lack of non-sexual intimacy,” or “Sex is less satisfying when we do it because I don’t orgasm as easily or as often as I used to, especially with PIV sex. I need more oral.” (This could apply to either of you.) You really have to seek out and own the issues that are at the root of the problem and that isn’t always very obvious or easy to address when acknowledged.

    • You are right Dan! You have given good advice!

      In our relationship I am usually the analytical one that is looking for the whys and the solutions. Hubby tends to be more laid back and will let things go for awhile to see if they self correct. I have to admit, sometimes his way works. lol (But then I still try to figure out why lol)

      • Even though you are MIA I am trolling your past post and reread this one and have a new question that may not longer be relevant.

        “However, for whatever reasons (also another post), this past couple of months my desire levels have also decreased to the point where I feel like I can have sex or leave it and be fine either way.”

        Did you mean sex with your husband or sex in general, as in no desire for therapeutic masturbation for release on occasion? I know you did a later post about your Hitachi friend dying so it would seem you were talking about sex with your husband. How are things now with him and sex, him and you and you and sex?

  4. Pingback: Follow up on “An obervation” – Keep working at it! | LDS Gals learning to embrace sexuality

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