LDS Gals learning to embrace sexuality

God created our bodies to enjoy sex – what's not to enjoy?

Pity Sex!

For most of our marriage, the only kind of sex Hubby got from me was pity sex, or duty sex is another term often used to describe it.  The real term for it should be extremely unfulfilling bad sex!  This kind of sex only happened in our marriage after Hubby had tried unsuccessfully for a long period of time (weeks and sometimes as long as a month or two) to have sex with me and was rejected over and over and was finally loosing patience.  So I would finally give in with the words, “Fine, if you have to do this, just hurry and get it over with!”.  Then I would lay there and let him have intercourse missionary style.  No foreplay, no kissing, no touching my breasts, – nothing else was allowed – he was only allowed to put it in and have an orgasm, the quicker the better!

Usually as I laid there like a cold fish, while he was doing his thing – I felt resentment towards him the whole time.  Why did I have to do this?  I just want to sleep?  This makes me feel bad.  Don’t touch my breast.  Don’t even think about kissing me.  Why is it taking so long?  He just using me!

This sounds romantic , loving, and fun – right?  Not to mention a nice bonding experience that allowed us to feel closer as husband and wife – right?  Of course not!  The only thing this kind of sex accomplished in my marriage was it served as a very unsatisfactory sexual tension release for my husband.  The kind of release that I think he soon began to resent – yet he accepted it anyways! 

I have always wondered why!  Why didn’t he just say “No way – I think I will just take care of myself!  What you are offering is not in the least bit fulfilling and is just plain destructive to our relationship!  If you can’t participate fully, lovingingly, because you want to be with me and love me back, then I am not interested in being with you sexually – at all!  Just so you know though, you are killing our marriage and the love I once had for you is slipping away because of your coldness and your negative attitude towards sex.  I can not guarantee how long I will put up with this behavior from you.  I am committed to our marriage, but I did not get married to live with a sister, friend, or whatever.  I got married to have a wife, a wife that I can be with physically in every way, the way God intended, not just emotionally!  I want… I NEED a wife who loves me and wants to be with me physically and participates fully in the physical intimacy aspect.  IF you insist upon continuing on this path as far as sex is concerned that is your choice, but I will have to re-evaluate what I need to do to find happiness in my life!  Because I am NOT happy now – at all!  So as far as I am concerned – don’t bother to offer your obligatory “lie there like a cold fish” sex anymore, because I won’t be accepting it again – ever!!!”

I am sure he thought these things, why did he not just say it?  I wonder what would have happened if he had said this and showed he meant it with his actions!  Would I have changed sooner if he had insisted upon us getting counseling?  Would this kind of response have served as a wake up call to me?  I guess we will never know!  Fortunately for him – I woke up on my own, years later.  But so much precious time has been wasted in the process.  Time that we can never get back!

Spouses, don’t waste the time like we did.  Life is too short!  Don’t allow this kind of sex in your marriage.  It has no place, and serves no purpose!  In my opinion it is actually destructive to the relationship! There comes a time when your bodies don’t work like they use to when you were younger.  If you wait too long, the choice to have a happy frequent sex life may be taken away from you – either because of physical issues – or because the marital relationship will deteriorate to the point of not surviving.   Insist upon getting help as soon as possible if this is all your spouse has to offer you or if this is all you have to offer your spouse!  The sooner that this issue is dealt with properly in your marriage, the happier and more fulfilling your marriage and relationship can be – the way God intended it to be.  The clock is ticking!!

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4 thoughts on “Pity Sex!

  1. Australian sex therapist Bettina Arndt, in her book “The Sex Diaries”, shared an interesting anecdote (even took the title of one of the chapters from this anecdote). Apparently she knew someone who knew a couple where the conditions for sex, as laid out by the wife were, “You can have fifty thrusts, but don’t jiggle my book.”

    One of Gary Lundberg’s (LDS LMFT who wrote 14 secrets to a happy marriage) secrets to a happy marriage is “Enjoy intimacy — both of you.” It seems to me there is real value for marriage in learning as a couple how to get both husband and wife to be present and engaged and enjoying sex and sexuality.

    • Wow Dave! I didn’t think it could get any sadder! But you proved me wrong! That story is really sad!

      There is great value of couples learning to both be present and engaged in enjoying sex and sexuality! But it’s sad how many couples do not get to this point! And in my opinion, even sadder that the spouse who is being rejected feels he has not other options but to put up with it! I know there are no easy answers to solve these issues and every person has to figure how what to do for themselves. Thanks for your comments!

  2. Why didn’t he say that? Same reason a person lost in the wilderness will eat worms and bugs, it was all that was available to him. You can’t starve a person for days then expect them to hold out for fine a meal from a five star restaurant.

    • Yes, that is true. Especially in Mormon marriages where they enter into these marriage thinking in terms of forever! And also, since for some Mormon’s, masturbation is also off the table, so these spouses have absolutely no other alternatives. Thanks for your comments, LDM, I appreciate your perspective.

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