For most of our marriage, the only kind of sex Hubby got from me was pity sex, or duty sex is another term often used to describe it. The real term for it should be extremely unfulfilling bad sex! This kind of sex only happened in our marriage after Hubby had tried unsuccessfully for a long period of time (weeks and sometimes as long as a month or two) to have sex with me and was rejected over and over and was finally loosing patience. So I would finally give in with the words, “Fine, if you have to do this, just hurry and get it over with!”. Then I would lay there and let him have intercourse missionary style. No foreplay, no kissing, no touching my breasts, – nothing else was allowed – he was only allowed to put it in and have an orgasm, the quicker the better!
Usually as I laid there like a cold fish, while he was doing his thing – I felt resentment towards him the whole time. Why did I have to do this? I just want to sleep? This makes me feel bad. Don’t touch my breast. Don’t even think about kissing me. Why is it taking so long? He just using me!
This sounds romantic , loving, and fun – right? Not to mention a nice bonding experience that allowed us to feel closer as husband and wife – right? Of course not! The only thing this kind of sex accomplished in my marriage was it served as a very unsatisfactory sexual tension release for my husband. The kind of release that I think he soon began to resent – yet he accepted it anyways!
I have always wondered why! Why didn’t he just say “No way – I think I will just take care of myself! What you are offering is not in the least bit fulfilling and is just plain destructive to our relationship! If you can’t participate fully, lovingingly, because you want to be with me and love me back, then I am not interested in being with you sexually – at all! Just so you know though, you are killing our marriage and the love I once had for you is slipping away because of your coldness and your negative attitude towards sex. I can not guarantee how long I will put up with this behavior from you. I am committed to our marriage, but I did not get married to live with a sister, friend, or whatever. I got married to have a wife, a wife that I can be with physically in every way, the way God intended, not just emotionally! I want… I NEED a wife who loves me and wants to be with me physically and participates fully in the physical intimacy aspect. IF you insist upon continuing on this path as far as sex is concerned that is your choice, but I will have to re-evaluate what I need to do to find happiness in my life! Because I am NOT happy now – at all! So as far as I am concerned – don’t bother to offer your obligatory “lie there like a cold fish” sex anymore, because I won’t be accepting it again – ever!!!”
I am sure he thought these things, why did he not just say it? I wonder what would have happened if he had said this and showed he meant it with his actions! Would I have changed sooner if he had insisted upon us getting counseling? Would this kind of response have served as a wake up call to me? I guess we will never know! Fortunately for him – I woke up on my own, years later. But so much precious time has been wasted in the process. Time that we can never get back!
Spouses, don’t waste the time like we did. Life is too short! Don’t allow this kind of sex in your marriage. It has no place, and serves no purpose! In my opinion it is actually destructive to the relationship! There comes a time when your bodies don’t work like they use to when you were younger. If you wait too long, the choice to have a happy frequent sex life may be taken away from you – either because of physical issues – or because the marital relationship will deteriorate to the point of not surviving. Insist upon getting help as soon as possible if this is all your spouse has to offer you or if this is all you have to offer your spouse! The sooner that this issue is dealt with properly in your marriage, the happier and more fulfilling your marriage and relationship can be – the way God intended it to be. The clock is ticking!!