Sex as Rocket Science
Guest post by V. L. Holt.
V is a SAHM of six and also a rocket scientist… if you count great married sex as rocket science. She has been writing for decades, and been published in numerous literary journals. She has also written for Segullah, a literary journal for LDS women. She loves writing, reading, married sex, and smooching on her youngest child who is already a year old. Her next big project is an exciting paranormal romance trilogy called “Rise of the Battle Bred”.
I’d like to thank LDS Gals for giving me this opportunity to write about one of my favorite topics of all time! I really do love sex, but it’s not exactly a walk in the park. More like a complicated launch sequence.
Please don’t get me wrong. It’s worth every lever, every button and every buzz and whistle. But I’d like to explain why your wife may seem like she’s not into it, when it’s just that she is competing in a mental obstacle course in order to get to take-off.
I am probably not quite typical with regard to my desire for frequent sexual connection with my husband, but regardless of your wife’s desire for frequency or infrequency, I can almost guarantee that she is going through a similar mental exercise.
Many people have written that sex for a woman begins as soon as her orgasm wanes. I believe this is true.
Women are amazing; I think we can all agree. Whether they stay at home with children or work full-time outside the home or something in between, they are the consummate multi-taskers.
In addition to their ability to take care of multiple things at once, they are also quite good at forgetting or putting off their own needs and wants until a later time.
Women can be goal-oriented and ambitious, and derive great satisfaction in a job well done. To them, it is worth it to procrastinate a bathroom break, lunch break or even just sitting down for a minute, in order to complete the tasks ahead of them.
A focused woman has the Right Stuff to accomplish her daily goals, even if it’s simply keeping the children alive until daddy comes home.
Where does the Rocket Science come in?
Well, the same place sex originates…the brain. I’ll walk you through my own personal algorithm to give you an idea of the sequence of events that need to take place in order to shoot into orbit!
A woman’s readiness for sex is a multi-faceted mechanism. Let’s say for simplicity’s sake that I have managed to achieve all the outward challenges in getting ready for sex. I thought about it throughout the day, sent a sexy text to Dear Husband, spent a few minutes changing the bed sheets and tidying up the laundry in my room.
I showered, shaved, flossed, even remembered to condition my hair that morning and put on deodorant. What else could I possibly do to be more ready for sex, you husbands might ask?
Even if DH put the kids to bed, started the dishwasher, turned off all the lights downstairs, let the dog back in and charged the cell phones, I have just barely begun my launch sequence. And keep in mind…I trained my whole life to be an astronaut and fly exclusively with my husband…I love what I do! I’m great at it! Waiting to pass all the exams and psychology tests was worth it! Even with my enthusiasm as a Go, several things must still be accomplished.
First, I have a mental checklist that must be satisfactorily resolved.
Kids in bed?
Sex toys available?
Deodorant and Fresh breath?
Then I start looking at DH and smiling. We cuddle, we talk, we get close physically and mentally by our conversation. In the back of my mind, I recall with relief that there are clean towels in the bathroom for cleaning up afterward. Shush, brain!
The conversation might not be sex-related, by the way. In fact, at least fifty percent of the time I need that talk-time, call it the pre-flight check if you want, in order to get closer to sex-readiness.
Then the foreplay is mutual, but my work is not over. I must continue to keep my mind on task. This is not because I’m not interested or not enjoying myself. It’s more that my entire day involves multitasking and now I DON’T HAVE TO. This is a huge transition to make.
The work becomes paying attention to my own self, my own body, my own signals, my own sensations…as a mother, I routinely ignore all of those things during the day. I have been known to put off a bathroom break for an hour because I’ve been busy tending children’s needs.
During sex I’m mentally hushing thoughts like, did I get the kids’ lunch money ready? Did I pay the mortgage on time? Does DH really think I’m hot?
I’m trying to turn off extraneous thoughts, or other thoughts that might sabotage my mood, and also encourage the thoughts that keep my head in the game…dh has a sexy body, I love what he’s doing with his right hand, and then I’ll realize I need to say those things out loud and tell him so.
Once I’ve committed to take-off, and successfully navigated through all of the mental exercises, then it’s easier to stay involved in the whole operation. From here on out, I can now let the co-pilot take the controls and help me lift off and take me to the moon.
Hopefully this analogy helps you understand why sex can be Rocket Science for your wife.