Understanding desire does not come first
One of the biggest mistakes women make in their marriages is thinking that desire for sex has to be there before they have sex. Most high drive/low drive conflicts occur because of this one mistaken notion! To desire something is to want it, to yearn for it, to wish for it strongly! The truth is that most men and women’s desire levels don’t have to be that different. Women can desire sex, want it, and yearn for it just as much as men. But in order for this to happen they need to understand that desire for sex occurs differently in women than it does in men.
Generally speaking – because of the testosterone that flows through their body – most men seem to be in a constant state of desire and can easily get aroused for sex without a lot of thought or effort. The desire for sex appears to be there most of the time – thus we say they have a high drive. Men have a natural desire for sex that comes from their hormones – or in other words their desire for sex is a physical desire. Women on the other hand – do not have the high amount of testosterone flowing through their body and for the most part are not in a state of desire and readiness for sex. And for many it seems their bodies hardly ever desire or want sex. Thus we say they have a low drive. However while women don’t have a natural immediate physical desire for sex per say, most women’s bodies like to be touched, held, and caressed. After they are touched, and held, and caressed, if they allow their brains to get into the game and allow their emotions to flow, sexual desire will begin to occur. Women’s sexual desire comes from an emotional desire.
Most men don’t choose to desire sex. The desire just seems to be there most of the time, often making women feel like it is there too much of the time. The choice men have to make is if they are going to act on their desire to have sex or not. Because the desire is usually very strong – to the point that they literally crave sex and feel they have to have it – the choice to have sex comes quite easily, no matter what else is going on around them. So for men desire does come first.
Women have occasional periods of time where they actually feel sexual desire first. This usually happens during certain times of their cycle when their hormones align just right! During these periods of time the desire is strong and like men, they crave sex and feel like they have to have it. The desire is just there – and their choice is either to act on it or not. But during the rest of the time, the desire to have sex is not there, not even a little bit, and women really could care less about sex. They don’t think about it much, they don’t really want it, they certainly don’t yearn for it or crave it, and their minds are occupied with almost everything else going on around them. But they do crave physical contact and are perfectly satisfied to just be touched and held in non-sexual ways. When confronted with having sex during the non-desire times, their initial reactions might follow these lines of thinking “Why – I don’t really want it! No thanks, not interested! What for? – I feel fine and am busy doing other stuff! You have got to be kidding – there is so much to do, why would we do that now? Good grief, didn’t we just do it? I am totally satisfied now and don’t need it!, etc.”
During the non-desire times, conflicts occur because both men and women are operating under the mistaken premise that desire for sex comes first. Men, because their desire is there all most all of the time do not understand why women don’t desire it in the same way. And they feel frustrated at the wife’s lack of desire. Women don’t understand how the men can always be ready to have sex, why they want it so much, and what the heck is so great about it that makes men have to have it so much! Yeah its good – but not that good and I am fine if we just hug and kiss!
These conflicts can be avoided. Women CAN have as much desire and possibly even more than men if they want to. They only have to learn how it really works for them. Desire for sex most often is not going to come first. It is not just there – it doesn’t flow naturally from their hormones like it does in men. Rather it flows from their brain, it flows from mentally choosing to open up to the possibility of feeling sexual desire. When they allow themselves to be touched and caressed, and then engage their brain and let the emotions flow, the sexual desire usually will come. But. they have to choose to have sex mentally, before their body will react and allow the desire to develop. The surprising effect is that the more often they make this choice, the more the desire flows, and the more the desire flows, the more often they want to make the choice.
Simply put – most men have desire and the choice to have sex follows. Most women have to choose to have sex FIRST and then desire FOLLOWS! And simply put – the more you do it the more you want it!