LDS Gals learning to embrace sexuality

God created our bodies to enjoy sex – what's not to enjoy?

Understanding desire does not come first


One of the biggest mistakes women make in their marriages is thinking that desire for sex has to be there before  they have sex.  Most high drive/low drive conflicts occur because of this one mistaken notion!  To desire something is to want it, to yearn for it, to wish for it strongly!   The truth is that most men and women’s desire levels don’t have to be that different.  Women can desire sex, want it, and yearn for it just as much as men.  But in order for this to happen they need to understand that desire for sex occurs differently in women than it does in men.

Generally speaking – because of the testosterone that flows through their body – most men seem to be in a constant state of desire and can easily get aroused for sex without a lot of thought or effort.   The desire for sex appears to be there most of the time – thus we say they have a high drive.  Men have a natural desire for sex that comes from their hormones – or in other words their desire for sex is a physical desire.  Women on the other hand – do not have the high amount of testosterone flowing through their body and for the most part are not in a state of desire and readiness for sex.  And for many it seems their bodies hardly ever desire or want sex.  Thus we say they have a low drive. However while women don’t have a natural immediate physical desire for sex per say, most women’s bodies like to be touched, held, and caressed.  After they are touched, and held, and caressed, if they allow their brains to get into the game and allow their emotions to flow, sexual desire will begin to occur.  Women’s sexual desire comes from an emotional desire.

Most men don’t choose to desire sex.  The desire just seems to be there most of the time, often making women feel like it is there too much of the time.  The choice men have to make is if they are going to act on their desire to have sex or not.  Because the desire is usually very strong – to the point that they literally crave sex and feel they have to have it – the choice to have sex comes quite easily, no matter what else is going on around them.  So for men desire does come first.

Women have occasional periods of time where they actually feel sexual desire first.  This usually happens during certain times of their cycle when their hormones align just right!  During these periods of time the desire is strong and like men, they crave sex and feel like they have to have it.  The desire is just there – and their choice is either to act on it or not.  But during the rest of the time, the desire to have sex is not there, not even a little bit, and women really could care less about sex.  They don’t think about it much, they don’t really want it,  they certainly don’t yearn for it or crave it, and their minds are occupied with almost everything else going on around them.  But they do crave physical contact and are perfectly satisfied to just be touched and held in non-sexual ways.  When confronted with having sex during the non-desire times, their initial reactions might follow these lines of thinking  “Why – I don’t really want it!  No thanks, not interested!  What for? – I feel fine and am busy doing other stuff!  You have got to be kidding – there is so much to do, why would we do that now?  Good grief, didn’t we just do it?   I am totally satisfied now and don’t need it!,  etc.”

During the non-desire times, conflicts occur because both men and women are operating under the mistaken premise that desire for sex comes first.  Men, because their desire is there all most all of the time do not understand why women don’t desire it in the same way.  And they feel frustrated at the wife’s lack of desire.  Women don’t understand how the men can always be ready to have sex, why they want it so much, and what the heck is so great about it that makes men have to have it so much!  Yeah its good – but not that good and I am fine if we just hug and kiss!

These conflicts can be avoided.  Women CAN have as much desire and possibly even more than men if they want to.  They only have to learn how it really works for them.  Desire for sex most often is not going to come first.  It is not just there – it doesn’t flow naturally from their hormones like it does in men.  Rather it flows from their brain, it flows from mentally choosing to open up to the possibility of feeling sexual desire.  When they allow themselves to be touched and caressed, and then engage their brain and let the emotions flow, the sexual desire usually will come.  But. they have to choose to have sex mentally, before their body will react and allow the desire to develop.  The surprising effect is that the more often they make this choice, the more the desire flows, and the more the desire flows, the more often they want to make the choice.

Simply put – most men have desire and the choice to have sex follows.  Most women have to choose to have sex FIRST and then desire FOLLOWS!  And simply put – the more you do it the more you want it!


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12 thoughts on “Understanding desire does not come first

  1. A Happy Hubby on said:

    Oh how this is true and not understanding it causes issues for husbands and wives. I wish all newlyweds knew this general truth.

    I am married to what I believe is a lower desire spose. It has taken decades for me to understand her lack of desire is not a reflection on how she loves me or not. Now I KNOW this and I am trying to now to FEEL it. I have to admit knowing the fact does not take away the emotional sting.

    One item I have noticed. My wife every few months will know that it has been a long time since we have had sex and will tell me, “I am too tired, but if you want to caress my breasts you can do that.” So I take what I can get! But the interesting thing was that for 10 times on a row (over about 2 years) everytime tjis happened in just a few minutes she turned over and went for it! But she wouldn’t agree to allow me to “fondle” her into the mood a few days later!

  2. My husband is always playing with my back…( if he’s awake?!!) I then either choose to think..ok, I’m going there ( rather than I’m too tired, I can’t be bothered etc which I found was useless thinking) but if I really can’t be bothered..after a while I say ‘ thank you’ very loudly!

    But I do try and align my thinking.
    Men have sex to ‘ feel emotional’ which I learnt off Laura’s book. Who am I to stop that from happening!???
    Women need sex to feel sexual. They are already emotional.
    This is a way to feel sexual, and therefore balanced.

  3. A Happy Hubby on said:

    One other thing I wanted to mention just in hopes that it helps enlighten a wife about how guys brains work (or how messed up they can be).

    When I was at my lowest point and in depression over why my wife never desired me, I came to look at my sexual drive as an evil thing. It even got to the point where I was trying to find out if castration was an option. I figured that my marriage would be greatly improved if my dang desire was taken away.

    I realize now how wrong I was going down that path, but even now I feel my desire is a burden that I always have to deal with. Even now with my Dr saying my testosterone is low I feel an ever present desire.

  4. If it is low, wouldn’t that make it hardly any desire at all?

  5. A Happy Hubby on said:

    Kiss – that it my point. My Dr is telling me that my testosterone is considered low, as in below rhe norm. Even at this level that is medically considered low, my desire is still very strong. Maybe not quite like my late teens, but still feels ever present and strong.

  6. What would you be like if it was normal or high!???

    • A Happy Hubby on said:

      Well to answer, “what would it be like if my testosterone was normal?”. When it was normal and the amount of intimacy is low, it is like you are starving while sitting in a kitchen at a restaurant with all the wonderful smells of food being cooked, but you are only given a few crumbs every once in a while.

      See the post on, ” No –you can’t eat tonight!” (nor tomorrow, nor the next week, …)

  7. Very very hard for you. That’s for sure.

  8. Pardon me while I take slight issue with your portrayal of men. You kind of make it sound like we are walking around 24/7 with an erection hoping to find a way to make good use of it. I guess it may seem like that at times, but that isn’t really the case.

    I think it is more the case that men are able to shift gears into ‘sex mode’ very quickly, and because men are visually stimulated they are frequently provoked to do that. I’m also not really sure what you mean by men desiring sex “too much of the time”. What is the standard for deciding how much is too much?

    The main message is exactly right though. And the wonderful thing is that if a woman freely decides to go ahead and gives her husband the chance, he can bring her to the point where her desire wakes up and she hungers for him sexually. Then in the end you both have big silly grins on.

    It is a wonderful thing to see your wife hot for you and have her take the initiative, it is also a wonderful thing to have the power to take her from room temperature to white hot.

  9. Welcome LDM! Thank you for your clarifications! I made some changes in the post and hope it reads better now.

    As far as the low testosterone issue, all men’s testosterone decreases as they age. It not only can affect their sexual performance and desire level, but it can also affect a man’s general feeling of well being and his energy level. There are many ways to increase your testosterone levels, ranging from exercise and diet changes, to using vitamins & supplements, to actual testosterone replacement therapy. Just google low testosterone and you can find tons of information.

    Happy Hubby, I am saddened that a man would be made to feel that bad about having sexual desire for his wife, that he would consider something as drastic as castration. I have heard other men express feeling the same way. I truly hope this blog will help at least one woman to wake up and change her ways! A man should never have to feel that the normal God given sexual desire he has for his wife is evil or wrong. But alas, unfortunately, there are many who are made to feel this way!

  10. Pingback: Just go with it! | LDS Gals learning to embrace sexuality

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