The angel and the devil – both were lying!
When I first opened myself back up sexually and allowed myself to enjoy having sex with my husband again, the “Good Girl Syndrome” was still thriving within me. While I made the decision to allow myself to be sexual again, it was more or less based on the reasoning that I was just going to be a bad girl from then on and enjoy sex no matter what the costs were. A couple of years later, I ended up seeking help from a sex therapist because of some hormonal related physical issues that threatened to take away my new found enjoyment of sex. It was during this time that I finally confronted the faulty thinking patterns about sex which had negatively influenced me for so many years!
During one of the sex therapy sessions I tried to convey to the therapist that I often felt torn between the desire to be good and the desire to be bad. I told her I felt like I had a devil on one shoulder saying “Go ahead, be bad, have sex. Go ahead and enjoy it! Think of all the things you have been missing. Forget being spiritual and enjoy being sexual instead!” On the other shoulder, the angel was saying “Don’t do it! Be good! You have to be strong and control yourself and your desires. You must stay chaste, pure, and spiritual. You can’t be sexual and remain spiritual. You have to endure to the end – don’t succumb now! “
As I described to the therapist the battle that raged in my head between the devil telling me to be bad, and the angel telling me to be good, a light bulb suddenly turned on in my mind! It was at this very moment that it became clear to me that both the devil and the angel on my shoulder were telling lies. I was lying to myself! It finally hit me that the choice to be sexual is not about choosing to be bad over being good and these thoughts I had always bought into were just plain wrong!
God is the one that made us sexual beings. He is the one that created our bodies. He commanded us to have sexual relations in marriage. Why would God create us to be sexual, why would He command us to have sexual relations in marriage if it was bad and evil? He wouldn’t!
That day in the therapist’s office I began to realize for the first time just how faulty my thinking patterns really had been! After some deep pondering, reading, and processing with the therapist (who btw was not LDS), I finally began to grasp the concept that sex was really a gift given to me by God. I started to comprehend that God fully intends for us to wisely use this gift in our marriage, not only for procreation, but also to enhance the husband/wife relationship and to make it stronger. I began to see that sex within marriage was not only a gift, it was a privilege. Finally, I understood that being sexual was not a choice between being bad and good, as I had thought, but rather a choice between accepting God’s gift to me or rejecting His gift.
With the above recognition came the acceptance that:
I CAN be good and still be sexual with my husband!
I CAN be good and still enjoy pleasure and passion!
I CAN be sexual and still be spiritual!
I CAN even have fun being sexual without having to be embarrassed, without feeling guilty or ashamed!
I CAN have lustful thoughts and desires for my husband!
Not only can I do these things – but I am learning that God actually wants me to do these things! He wants me to enjoy the gift He gave me, the gift He gave my marriage. He wants me to use this gift to enhance and strengthen my relationship with my husband, to draw us closer together, to bind us, and to help us to become one in purpose. He wants me to understand that it is not only a special gift, it is also a divine privilege.
A gift and privilege that I can either choose to accept , treasure, and enjoy or one that I can reject!
It’s just a matter of choice and understanding what the true choice is!