LDS Gals learning to embrace sexuality

God created our bodies to enjoy sex – what's not to enjoy?

Symptoms of Good Girl Syndrome

Quotes from Laura M. Brotherson’s book “And they were not ashamed”:

“The Good Girl Syndrome is a result of the negative conditioning that occurs from parents, church, and society as they teach – or fail to teach – the goodness of sexuality and its divine purposes…

The Good Girl Syndrome is caused by ignorance as well as distorted and incorrect beliefs, perceptions, attitudes and associations accumulated over time.”

“Symptoms of the “Good Girl Syndrome”:

  • Discomfort, embarrassment or inability to appropriately discuss sexual matters
  • Underlying belief that sex is bad, wrong, dirty or sinful
  • Lack of understanding of the divine purposes of sex – particularly that God intended it for pleasure, as well as procreation
  • Inability to relax and let go within the sexual experience
  • Lack of enjoyment of sexual relations – participation out of duty
  • Lack of sexual understanding and “know-how” – a simplistic perception that if I just do what’s right I will have marital bliss
  • Inappropriate inhibitions, guilt, shame or awkwardness associated with sexual relations within marriage
  • Discomfort or distaste with sexual parts of the body and body functioning”


Not allowed to desire sex!

Women who have GGS generally are dealing with a mental aversion to sex, in addition to also dealing with the marital relationship issues (anger, resentment, poor communication, etc), in addition to having a low physical sex drive.   So it’s a triple whammy!  Even if the husband works on fixing his part of the relationship issues and works on meeting her needs more, the sexual issues still exist because she still has a mental aversion to sex – made worse by the low drive, but driven mostly by HER dysfunctional thinking patterns, which in reality has NOTHING to do with ANYTHING about her husband.   Not recognizing SHE has a problem, she deflects her issues, focusing instead on deficiencies she believes her husband has.  He gets the blame AND suffers the consequences!   Attempts to increase the quantity and quality of sex seldom work on these women because their mindset does not allow them to desire sex, no matter what their husbands do or don’t do.

To further understand this mental aversion it helps to understand the following realities about these women:

•  Sex is usually not pleasurable for them
•  They seldom allow themselves to get aroused.
•  When they occasionally do get aroused and have an orgasm, the mental negativity that goes on in their head far outweighs any pleasure they experience.
•  Sex does not feel like an emotionally bonding experience for them.
•  Sex has nothing to do with love in their mind.  It does not feel like an expression of love from their husband and they do not view it as a way to express love to their husband.
•  They view sex simply as a physical activity, a distasteful one at that, that they occasionally have to endure because their husband wants it.
•  Sex feels like another chore and is just one more thing they have to do for someone else.
•  Sex is not a need for them so they do not understand why it would be a need for men.

With thinking patterns like these, is it any wonder why these women don’t want to have sex?

Initiating sex techniques don’t work because these women DON”T WANT to have sexual relations, period.

Talking to these women about having more and better sex does not work, because they don’t think they have a problem.  Their husbands have the problem and need to learn more self control.

Coercing, begging, doing nice things for these women does not work.  Nothing seems to work!

Women with GGS are bothered and aggravated when their spouses are interested in having sex because they feel they are being pressured into something they don’t want to do, something they are uncomfortable doing, and something that just feels wrong to them.  So almost any kind of attempt to get them to be more sexual results only in rejection – over and over and over.  And the rejected partner feels frustrated and hurt – over and over and over.  This dysfunctional cycle is extremely harmful to the marriage.    And it will continue until one or preferably – both spouses decide to break the cycle and rebuild a functional relationship in it’s place!


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3 thoughts on “Symptoms of Good Girl Syndrome

  1. “Talking to these women about having more and better sex does not work, because they don’t think they have a problem. Their husbands have the problem and need to learn more self control.”

    That really is the crux of the lack-of-desire issue. Until we recognize and admit we have a problem, the problem is the property of the other person: “YOU have the problem, YOU deal with it. I’m just fine.”

    The low/no desire person with GGS isn’t always aware that their behavior is not typical of being well-adjusted, especially if they have no external frame of reference to draw from. “Isn’t everyone like me?” When frank sexual dialog is taboo, embarrassing or uncomfortable, they have nothing to compare their situation to, and if the behavior of their spouse makes them uncomfortable, he must be abnormal in his behavior. Until both side are willing to admit they may have some flaws in their logic and seek out accurate information as to what is really typical (BOO “Normal”) with others, they cannot resolve the problem.

    What is really sad is when they are made aware of accurate typical behaviors and continue to insist everyone else is wrong, sinful, perverted, over-sexed and abnormal. Now you have a husband who is already the victim of long-term refusal who is looking at long-term therapy that may or may not work. It takes a heck of a man to stick that out and stay and not have an affair during the process. Now tell that LDS man he can’t masturbate either or he risks Temple.

    • Yes, I am amazed a man would stay in this type of marriage. But many do, and not just LDS. Mine did, thankfully. As far as the masturbation issue, I suspect most men in this situation masturbate. And I think most Bishops are understanding and sympathetic and don’t keep them from going to the temple for it. After all they are men too!!

      • Seriously!? Treating a woman who struggles because she was taught incorrect principles this way, loracfray and Dan, is only going to further damage the relationship. Furthermore, masturbation is never appropriate. It is breaking the law of chastity and temple covenants. Speaking as a woman who was raised with very incorrect information on sexual intimacy, it is possible to change, but only through the support of a loving husband who has open communication and full trust and comfort of his wife. It is a very long process because those thoughts and views become engrained over a childhood.

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