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No – you can’t eat tonight!

Imagine you sign a contract with a grocery store that you will only purchase food from their store and no where else.  You promise that you won’t go to restaurants or fast foods – you won’t go any where else to get the food that you eat.  It’s a wonderful arrangement, because you love their food and they have such a variety to choose from.  Your favorite is their bakery full of delectable delights; cinnamon rolls, brownies, pies, cheesecake, cookies, and of course the desert you crave the most – chocolate marble cake.  You look over all of their food, the meats, the dairy, the staples, etc., and you imagine how glorious it is going to taste.  All that your stomach desires you can get at this grocery store so you don’t mind the exclusive clause.  The contract is legally binding and there are severe financial penalties if you break the contract.  Why would you ever want to break the contract?  You can’t conceive that ever happening!

At first it is wonderful, it is convenient and you are enjoying this arrangement.  Life is good and you enjoy gourmet meals, simple meals, quick meals, and fancy meals.  However after a couple of years something starts to change.  The selection seems to be decreasing and the variety and quality of the food is not what it use to be.  Then after more time passes you go to the store, but you find the store is closed – and there is a sign telling you to come back another time.  So you do, and it’s closed again, and again, and again.  You are getting really hungry, and angry.  You consider going somewhere else –  but you stop as you think about the contract you signed, you made a commitment and you are bound by it.  You can not purchase food anywhere else, without paying a heavy heavy price.   “It’s not fair”  you think,  “they are suppose to have food for me to choose from.  They are suppose to be open so that I can buy my food here.  I am keeping my side of the contract, but they are not keeping theirs.” 

One morning,  your stomach grumbling wakes you and you realize you are starving.  It’s been a long time since you last ate, so you decide to try again and make a trip to the store.  It’s open but all the shelves are empty, all except in the bakery, where they have your favorite, chocolate marble cake sitting on a table. 

cake 2

Your mouth starts to water,  you lick your lips as you reach out to pick up the cake.  You are so hungry and so excited to take a bite.   Just as you touch the container, the grocery store owner slaps your hand away and snatches up the cake.   “No – I’m sorry you can’t have that today!”  she says.  “But we have an agreement, I can only buy food here and nowhere else.  I am keeping my end of the contract, but there has been less and less food over the years, and every time I drive here lately, you are closed.  I am starving, I have not eaten for weeks.  What am I suppose to do for food!”,  you wail. 

“Oh – Quit whining – you are too fat anyways – you need to lose weight.  Besides, you only think you are hungry – you don’t need to eat.  You just need to practice some self control!”   She takes the cake and walks away – before you can respond.  Standing there feeling frustrated, hungry, and really angry –  confounded, you scream loudly  “What’s in this contract for me?  This just isn’t right and not the way it’s suppose to be!”  She keeps walking away with the cake as if she did not even hear you!

Silly story?  Is it?  Isn’t this exactly what is happening in many marriages around the world?

Willard F. Harley, Jr. author of “His needs, her needs”  states:  “When a man and woman marry, they share high expectations. They commit themselves to meeting certain intense and intimate needs in each other on an exclusive basis. Each agrees to “forsake all others,” giving each other the exclusive right to meet these intimate needs. That does not imply that all needs are to be met by a spouse, but that there are a few basic needs that most of us strictly reserve for the marriage bond. Most people expect their spouses to meet these special needs, since they have agreed not to allow anyone else to meet them.

For example, when a man agrees to an exclusive relationship with his wife, he depends on her to meet his sexual need. If she fulfills this need, he finds in her a continuing source of intense pleasure, and his love grows stronger. However, if his need goes unmet, quite the opposite happens. He begins to associate her with frustration. If the frustration continues, he may decide she “just doesn’t like sex” and may try to make the best of it. But his strong need for sex remains unfulfilled. His commitment to an exclusive sexual relationship with his wife has left him with the choice of sexual frustration or infidelity. Some men never give in; they manage to make the best of it over the years. But many do succumb to the temptation of an affair. I have talked to hundreds of them in my counseling offices.”

Some men are starving – sexually – and yet their wives just don’t get it.  They expect them to develop self control, learn to live with it, and accept it, yet keep their end of the commitment and stay loyal and faithful!  I was one of these wives for many years.  I was a fool!


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7 thoughts on “No – you can’t eat tonight!

  1. Willard F. Harley, Jr. author of “His needs, her needs” states: “When a man and woman marry, they share high expectations. They commit themselves to meeting certain intense and intimate needs in each other on an exclusive basis. Each agrees to “forsake all others,” giving each other the exclusive right to meet these intimate needs.

    So why does she stop having these high expectations? Cos he is boring in bed? Comes way to early? Doesn’t help her come? Only wants sex doesn’t want to kiss etc, won’t help her get to bed at a reasonable hour to spend time ‘ having all the sex’ …what changes?
    ESP if things were going well.
    Or at least he thought they seemed to be, but maybe he had his head so far up his ar#* he couldn’t tell how rubbish he was…

    I think most of the time it’s cos the man is rubbish at making love. Won’t educate himself, wont talk to her, won’t explore different thing, won’t even brush his teeth and she gets sick of it.
    Puts it to one side and calls the sex ‘ finished’

  2. I think that is the case some of the time, Kiss – but not all the time. It wasn’t the case for us, although we were both quite naïve, and neither of us was very good at making love. Unfortunately – I never gave him a chance to improve – because of my stupid good girl syndrome thinking patterns, and I certainly did not try to improve back then.

  3. But if it started well ( yours may not have) and then it goes off the boil….why?
    Yours is different, ( but much better now)
    What about normal non lds women, I wonder what replaces ggs in them!!?
    I married a convert , he was 26, lived with women. A right whore! I was raised lds. But for some reason I didn’t have ggs with him ( had it slightly in the first marriage , again he was a convert so it was okish…we were young though. If we had both been members all our lives it might have been hard. Naive, not educated etc, but both men knew their way around a woman!)

    It’s weird on the most part don’t seem to engage their brain and so dont have ggs. We ‘ think’ as we do it and that’s where the problems come.
    If we can re change our thinking to ‘ this is why you waited you horn dog!!’ And went for it , it might work out better long term.
    Men need to say things that will re change our minds….

    Mine was good like that. Right in the beginning, so I didn’t ever think I was doing ‘ anything wrong’ if it was making us both happy and we still had our recommends!!!
    Must be ok.

  4. If I understand your question right – “if it starts off well, then goes off the boil – Why?” – (I love your colorful language btw) – you are asking why women start off Ok with sex – and then it dwindles later? When that happens I think it’s usually caused by relationship issues, hormone imbalances, and/or stresses of life. I suspect relationship issues is the biggest problem – resentment, anger, feeling that they aren’t valued or loved, lack of having their own needs met, fights over financial stresses, children rearing disagreements, etc. etc. Navigating the sexual arena in marriages is extremely complicated and can be driven or derailed because of many factors. If I didn’t understand your question right – rephrase it and I will try again!

    GGS is not necessarily a Mormon syndrome or even a religious syndrome. Many women are taught or they somehow pick up negative attitudes towards sex – that sex is bad, that women should not be sexual, or that they should be ashamed of their sexuality. While it may not be tied to religious beliefs, the concept and the results are the same. And you are absolutely right that it is just a matter of changing their thinking!

    So simple in theory – but not simple in practice!

    • Yeah, that’s what I meant.
      Starts off great….then cold as a rock


      But you answered it …it’s prob the solution ( the coldness) to all the other symptoms / issues going on.

      Ggs I am sure rears it’s head within the first 3 mths, starts off great and within that time frozen!!!
      That needs therapy

      The first needs communicating and service to each other to get back what they had.
      Not nessecaarity outside help unless a bishop needs to use keys re repentance etc.

      Ggs is just years of saying no to your boyfriend cos he can’t seem to think it or say it, then..oh!! It’s ok,, …!!!! Cos we got a piece of paper
      but in my head it’s still NO!!

      I blame the boyfriend!!! Having to make the girl always stop him.
      I’ve told my youth Sunday school class, that if you are having to keep your standards in the relationship…and they aren’t, dump em. It won’t be worth the brain freeze later on!
      Get out early ‘ before you fall in love’
      Nothing will change , he/ she will just get worse and push and push and then you end up in the bishops office which is soooo embarrassing.
      And half the class agreed cos their dads the branch president.

      You should both be in control…not just one of you.
      Those feelings are good, they are from god, never feel guilty about them, just keep them in check so your marriage can be a happy one. Not a guilt filled fest.
      There is a place for those feelings to be explored and it ain’t at 2 am in some blokes car

  5. It’s interesting how food is such a serviceable and prefect metaphor for sex. I too use it quite frequently. It’s fascinating how the clergy and society are so restrictive with sexual fidelity but don’t bother stressing how with the fidelity and exclusivity comes a responsibility to be sexually available and hopefully willing and desirous of sex to there is joy and communion to be shared in the act.

  6. We get caught up in the lists of do’s and don’ts and miss the big picture sometimes, especially where sex is concerned. Sex is truly a gift from God for marriages. God knew what he was doing – healthy, frequent sex can be extremely bonding to a husband and wife and bring great joy and many many blessings to a marriage. There IS a responsibility – to understand the gift it is – and to use it wisely and with prudence, to enjoy it and appreciate it’s powers – for both good and bad, and to make sure each others needs are satisfactorily met. It can be a challenge and sometimes a test. But I think God probably designed it to be that way!

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