Where am I now – Learning to embrace my sexuality
My story continues – Re-awakening and learning to embrace my sexuality:
In my mid 40’s my life took a U-turn. This is the period of my life that I now refer to as my re-awakening period – both sexually and spiritually. It was during this time that I started to have sexual feelings stir in me for the first time in a long long time. It was also during this same period of time that I started to question my beliefs in the Mormon church. Eventually, in a very painful process, I ended up pretty much tearing all of my life long beliefs apart in order to examine what it was I really believed. Along the way I also started questioning why I had turned myself off sexually. As I once again began to rebuild my spiritual faith and worked on figuring out which beliefs I could hold firm to and which ones I could not, I came to the conclusion that I turned myself off sexually for no good reason. I made a decision, a strong commitment to allow myself to feel sexual again and to continue the process of exploring my sexuality with my husband. He thought he had died and gone to heaven. Several times he jokingly asked me, “Who are you, and what have you done with my wife!” He also feared it would not last long. But it has continued – its been over 7 years now.
This re-awakening and questioning period was the beginning of my journey – a long over-due journey into learning to embrace my sexuality. It has not been easy as old habits die slowly, and faulty thinking patterns resurface now and then. As my journey continues, I am constantly discovering so many amazing benefits to my marriage because of the change in my attitude about sex. My relationship with my husband is better than I could ever have imagined and the quality of my marriage increases daily – simply from having a frequent, loving, healthy sexual relationship together. I am still learning and growing. I am rebuilding my faith in the Mormon church, bit by bit – trying to weed out what I consider to be teachings of men, and cultural teachings, while keeping the core doctrines centered around Jesus Christ. I am concentrating on rebuilding my relationship with God through prayer, reading scriptures about doctrines that help me improve my relationship with Christ, and working on accepting His grace and His atonement in my life. Rebuilding my spiritual beliefs has turned out to be an important part of my sexual journey. I believe that spirituality and sexuality can and should co-exist quite nicely. Meshing them has not been easy – and I am a long ways from where I want to be. But I persevere in trying!
I want to share my thoughts and experiences on this blog in the hopes that it may help others who are or who have gone through some similar experiences. I hope to help others avoid or overcome the pitfalls I experienced. My story is not unique to women in the LDS church. Many, many women have problems dealing with and accepting their sexuality and their spirituality. Life is too short, and so much time is wasted with destructive relationship cycles and faulty thinking patterns. These cycles and patterns can be changed – if we really want them to. It all begins with a choice – the choice to change!